No Direction

I have a new blog because I am... NO LONGER A SOPHOMORE. So I definitely could not have a blog (im batmaaaaaan -Katie) that implies that I am one. I'm not a sophomoric little second-year. I'm a third year, with an infantile enthusiasm and the mindset of a four year old.

As of right now, I have no time to reflect upon the events of my second year here at UCSD as I'm about to hit the town with my A-TEAM of ladies. Hannibal, Face, Murdock, and BA are going to go the rock the world.

I love them all and am happy to be spending my last night with them. That sentence could sum up my year quite easily.

WHAT DOES SPACE LOOK LIKE?!?! (I know the answer to this.)

SPACE LOOKS LIKE A RACCOON.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Hey Chelsey... What's God to you?

I've been avoiding this question for quite some time simply because this question is hard for me to answer.
Above all else, I believe God is love. He is the very being, essence, and creator of love. He is the one person I'm using my whole life to learn how to please. He is the one person I will spend my whole life attempting to be more like- loving beyond all conditions and all boundaries. I believe in God more than I believe in a heaven, a hell, angels, demons, and so forth. I don't really care what happens after this life but I know that I will do my best to make Him happy because I know He is there. I don't doubt His existence because I know I wouldn't be here without Him. He's saved my life more times than I can believe and it solidifies my faith in His existence. He has a purpose for me and each breath I take and I'm happy to take them for Him.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

What are some of your short and long term goals in life?

Short term- write more, blog more, read more, exercise more, enjoy this summer, make the most of the last two years of this wonderful stage of my life.
Long term- I'm leaving them open. I'm unsure how my future is going to go and I'm ok with that. I like having so many possibilities. It's the first time I've never had a set plan in mind. I have many ideas about what I want to do, but nothing solid, nothing defined. it'll stay that way for awhile hopefully. I'll just work to achieve above goals and enjoy life as it comes at me and as God sees fit.
Now, this sounds like I'm really cool and laid-back, but if you know me, and I'm assuming you do because you found this somehow, you would know I'm not. I'm usually super wired and freaking out and plan, plan, plan, plan, plan. This is only a recent development and could be because I'm too lazy to formulate a plan. Or it could be because I've actually let go of the reins of life. We'll see.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I don't know yet. That's hard for me to answer. I've wanted to help teens my whole life, but I don't know if that's what I'm made to do or maybe not made to do it the way I'm going about it-becoming a counselor. I'm not sure if that's because I'm not in the right academic program right now or if it's because that's simply what I'm not supposed to do.
I'm dabbling in writing, considering it as a future career. It's hard and it's scary and I have no idea why anyone would want to read anything that I write. But I want to. I have a feeling the life of a writer would suit me more than any.
Also on the table is possibly working for Disney. This is contingent upon acceptance into the internship program, liking my experience there, and seeing if Disney will take me or possibly doing the next step in the Disney internship process.
Always a possibility and always will be, becoming a Disney Princess at Disneyland. Hello, Disney executives. I may not look like it, but I'll be the best Belle ever. I promise. I have the signature down and everything.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Why was junior high a terrible time for you? I thought we were friends.

Junior High got bad in eighth grade. I'm unsure why but that's when I began my destructive path of self-injury. Not so bueno. We were probably friends but as you asked anonymously I can't honestly tell you if we were. I was very general in the below questions, so sorry if you felt left out. Each group I've been in has one defining friend for me and I call the entire group by that one person. So, you were probably included, just not by name?

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Untitled

How do you capture a moment like a horse?

You find there in your quilt as it enshrouds you while you lie still hoping that the day's responsibilities won't find you. You see the ears, small and dark, running into the head, facing so that a single, white, wide eyeball stares at you, condemning, understanding, uncertain. The head blends to neck blends to body and that movement maybe too wide for a real horse, but this is just a horse in a quilt. The long, spindly legs are there, but the tail is lost under a bump.

You're just lying there, staring at it, wanting to capture its image with some sort of device, but knowing that a movement would ruin it forever.

So you capture it in your mind, writes its description with your head, let its single, white, wide eyeball stare piercingly back at you until you can no longer forget it, so that when you close your eyes you see it still, floating brightly against the darkness inside.

And then it's gone.

You can't capture a moment like a horse.

I Shouldn't Be Reading Asian Literature, But I Should Definitely Be Studying For My Chemistry Final

I think I just want something that's not that last blog post to be there. That was weird and I was weird. Hence the title, "Weird."

I looked over my grades for my grammar class and as of right now it says that I got a 600 out of 600 on my final. I heavily suspect that that is false because I'm not that good at grammar and I only earned an 87.5% on my midterm. We shall see where my grades lies in few hours like my instructor said.

I just watched an episode of Invader Zim. That was good! I forgot how good it was. I was watching Rocko's Modern Life and it just wasn't as good as I remember it being. Which is sad because Rocko's is one of those cartoon I hold in high regard. Maybe I'll have to rethink that. Or watch more episodes until I like it again. I wasn't really paying attention this first time around.

I packed all of my clothes up yesterday except for what I'll need for this week and whatever for the ride home. My closet looks exceedingly empty which is weird for me because I definitely am the one with the most clothes in this apartment, although I definitely want to change that. I am looking to shift the direction of my wardrobe into the more adult world, and less jeans and t-shirt all the time. Even jeans and not just a t-shirt or sweatshirt would be a step towards sophistication for me. So, I'm trying. I bought this really cute tank at Urban Outfitters which I've been wearing like crazy since I got it last weekend. If you'll be in Redding this summer, you'll probably see me in it a thousand times.

I need to change the title of my blog. It was specifically chosen for the fact that I am a sophomore and that this year could have been a slump or it could've been a comeback. I shall write my opinion on it on the very last day that I'm considered a sophomore. Technically, I've been a junior since Winter Quarter, but I really just mean that it's my second year here. Yet, it's coming to a close and I'm not sure what I want to name my blog. See, every title I think of seems to give a direction to my blog. I'm not sure I want my blog to have a direction. If you can tell by my posts, my blog is a multitude of things; it's funny posts, me being weird, crap, family, friends, simple updates on my life, me being depressed, me sharing my writing. I guess a direction would be me, but that sounds selfish and selfish is not a blog direction I would like. But then again, isn't blogging selfish in a way? I guess unless you blog to save hungry children or the whales or to clean up the oil spill, blogging is unselfish. However, blogging at it's most basic, reduced to the point of absurdity level screams "THIS IS ME AND LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING."

This point makes me not want to blog at all. Luckily, I am quite selfish and conceited and in all reality I mostly write this blog for myself. I couldn't count the numerous times I've come on here and laughed at what I've written. I think that might be bad.

Anyway, maybe I'll call my blog "Brushing Your Teeth In The Shower" and you'll have to deal with it.

P.S. Definitely need to blog about the awesome super early surprise birthday party given to me by the wonderful ladies in my apartment. It will happen soon.

P.P.S. Also happening soon, an update to my fiction page. I think I will post part of my Non-Fiction final up there for y'all to read. Sorry I haven't changed it recently. Haven't written anything I'm proud of yet. However, my final might change that.

Weird

I don't know what to call this.... restlessness?

I have a distinct feeling to be doing many and multiple things right now--smoking a cigarette, running, cutting myself, putting pen to paper in a prolific attempt to make sense of just one more part of myself--but none of those ideas seem to fulfill whatever it is I'm searching for at this hour.

Outside seemed the place to be as I sweatily rolled around the quilts and the comforters and the pillows on my bed, but outside isn't as cold as I would like to be and I still feel unfulfilled.

So what is it I'm looking for?

The fact that I'm blogging this shames me as these feelings and words are too... sacred... for the cyberspace cacophony. The scratching of ballpoint to wood pulp would please me so much more but why waste these feelings on trash?

I am being mercilessly forced to read my work in front of my class tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it.

Fuck, I don't want to talk about class I don't want to talk about anything I want to do I want to be I want to

Infatuations, unexpected,

Unnerving; restlessness that ceases to let go of me and the repetitive line of wishes, wishes, wishes right now have an alarming grasp on innerworkings mental activities does it really matter.

Airplanes

This song will be getting me through the end of the quarter. I could really use a wish right, wish right now, wish right now.