Relevant.

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wished you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.

You're Not Sorry

All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

To Get This Off My Chest...

All I want is for him to talk to me first.

And it's all I can think about.

And it feels good to say out loud.

St. Valentine Secrets: Things Better Left Said By PostSecret

Sometimes, I believe other people can capture what I feel so much better than I can.

Today, Valentine's Day, I give you my heartsick and hearthopeful secrets in the form of others'.

Enjoy.

The Un-date-able Vibe: Speculations On My Singleness

Sometimes I am seriously convinced that I give off an "un-date-able vibe."

Ok, not sometimes.

All the time.

"It's your whole demeanor," he said. "Everything about you says, 'Don't even think about it.'" This was an unnerving moment of truth. I mean, I know how much people annoy me, but was it so obvious to others?

Charmed Thirds

I've considered I give off the un-date-able vibe for quite some time now. I don't think I've even been a contender for someone in the past three years because I sincerely reek of this malodorous stench of un-date-ability. I'm not the girl who gets flirted with by the waiter, the girl who gets a double-take walking to class, the girl who can go dancing and have a guy ask to dance with her. I'm none of them.

And I have to wonder... why not?

When I hear songs that remind me of Blake, it still really hurts. There are a lot of them too. A lot of Taylor Swift to be exact (I have a penchant for equating songs to certain moments or places or people and I bought her first cd soon after we broke up. Think "Cold As You" for our 'fail-ship.') I've quite moved on from that relationship, but there's still so much that connects me to it that it's hard in moments, though they grow more and more infrequent. Redding used to be a huge crutch in my weakness after that relationship. Everywhere I went, I saw him: moments where we drove down long stretches of road smiling, moments where we walked through a city asleep, moments in empty bathtubs with large bowls of macaroni-and-cheese, moments made at mountaintops somewhere down a highway, moments where I could have been more scared than I've ever been in my entire life but I wasn't simply because I was with him.

And then I have to remember that most, if not all, of those moments were carefully calculated to follow the relationship template he had built in his mind.

Now I've realized that there wasn't one moment where I remembered 'this is something Blake and I used to do' during this past Christmas break. I was nervous he'd be at church, but I think that's just because of my outlandish social anxiety I am carefully cultivating here in college. But it's good that I don't think of him like I used to. It was all consuming for over a year. That relationship left me with so many questions that I don't think a conversation with him until the end of time would have given me the closure I so desperately needed.

This is where, I'm sure, my un-date-able vibe truly began, though I'm believe it's been floating all around me since the day I was brought to the world. How can any boy find you attractive when you're so pathetically holding onto the shreds of a failure of a relationship? And I was clinging to those threads with strength I never knew I had.

However, that ended in June of 2009. So, I still need an explanation for the next two years. Let's continue.

Christmas of 2008, well into my Blake-worship, I received two Christmas presents that were highly unlikely to be given to me--I got two rings from two separate people. I've never really worn jewelry. I mean, those who know me now, know those rings are a constant presence on my freakishly small carnie hands, but never before this Christmas. These rings were given to me without consulting ring size and therefore, wouldn't it be such a coincidence that they both only fit on the fourth finger of each hand. I wear both of them proudly and almost without ceasing, leaving one to go on a specially designated finger enclosed in a binding circle of silver.

Is this a part of my un-date-ability? I have to wonder if this is seen by boys as a sign to stay away from me. Am I a girl who threw caution to the wind and married young, too poor to sport a real diamond but instead having a simple silver band as the symbol of my infatuation of a marriage?

Or is it just a ring?

I guess I could be that girl who marries young. I seem like it, don't I? The really good girl who found a really good guy and settled into what should be a long, happy, and loving marriage.

But I'm not. And therefore, this annoys me.

Where to go from there?

I guess we could talk about my endless crushes and infatuations after the Blake-episode.

Here's where I get a bit more honest than I would like...

After Blake there was Andrew (for awhile and throughout), Josh (for a year and a half), Eyal (for a second), Michael (for a time), Chad (for a summer), Henry (for a night) etc. (The strikeout is there for me to feel a little less vulnerable saying things I've never really told anyone, Stephanie aside. A way for me to hide behind a small HTML tag. Thank you for this indulgence. I feel less... naked.) Most of these are simply fleeting infatuations that are mostly just fun for me. To like someone for a little bit, daydream obsessively for a second, then move on. There were a couple scattered throughout that actually meant something to me, but I've learned to just accept that although I may want more with someone, it's usually not mutual.

Could that be a part of my un-date-able vibe? Do I so immediately assume that a current object of obsession won't like me back that I shut down the opportunity before I even let it happen?

That could be the case.

I'm hesitant to doubt myself in this matter. Not because I'm completely convinced of my infallible awesomeness, but because I don't think I'm a bad catch. I'm smart (despite being a psych major in a school full of engineers, doctors, researchers, and researching doctor engineers). I'm funny. I'm not freaking ugly. I would love "cute" and be thrilled with "pretty," though I might be wary if you called me "beautiful" and laugh in your face if you called me "hot" or "HAWT" or anything else remotely like that. I'm mostly happy with who I am as a person. And that's pretty good for me, since I can absolutely abhor myself sometimes.

(Come to think of it, I wonder if I could actually measure the amount I love myself and the amount I hate myself and what those things entail. Future blog post, yes? Line up my insecurities for all the world to see.)

I know I'm a neurotic and rough around the edges. I'm not the feminine girly girl, but I'm not the bad ass Joile kind of girl either. I'm an adaptable middle ground.

Ultimately, with time and patience, I think I will eventually make a pretty kick ass wife.

And therefore, I must admit, those of you who have indeed passed me over, that's going to suck for you.

Ok, so maybe I'm a little convinced of my infallible awesomeness.

You know, I've never been on a date.

No, seriously.

Yes, I've had a boyfriend. I've even had boyfriends.

But I've never been on a real date.

I know this sounds corny, but I would really like someone just to ask me out. Show a little interest. Let me know that I'm not the girl you wouldn't even have sex with in post-apocalyptic world where you and I are the only survivors.

I say I've never been on a date because in truth I haven't. I've never been on one of those "You look cute today in the coffee shop and I would like to get to know you better dates." Granted, those are the ones Joshua Harris warns us good Christians against. But all I'm asking is for one. Heck, I would take one with someone I know.

I've always done the good dating thing-- be friends first, get to really know a guy before taking that next big step into a relationship-- but you know what? I epically fail at that because by the time we get to the "next big step" I'm usually head over heels infatuated and then I'm the crazy girlfriend because I've waited so long for this moment and then I'm clingy and awful and obsessed and absolutely bat shit insane.

Guys, you are definitely wanting to date me now.

HELLO UN-DATE-ABILITY VIBE!
I can feel it.

I mean when the friendships I had with guys turned into relationships, it never felt like dating. We were still hanging out. There was never anything special or exciting or anything that really changed from the friendship. Is courting the friendship? Getting to know each other in groups and then eventually alone? The only thing that ever changed was that now it was ok to hold each others' hand.

Personally, I kind of find a lot of fault in the "friends to relationship" because the only thing that's really different seems to be the physical. And that gets me in a lot of trouble.

So, I would like to go out on a date.

Nothing special. Let me get dressed up and take me to a dinner and a movie. Preferably one I would enjoy. But don't worry, I like movies where things get blown up and there's a lot of gratuitous violence more than the run-of-the-mill romcoms Hollywood shits out every other month. It's not as painful as it would seem, is it?

I don't know what is the ultimate factor of my un-date-ability. It could simply be God protecting me since He knows I go all crazy and He's keeping me safe until the guy who won't mind comes along. And that's fine with me. Well, as much as a single-for-awhile twenty-year-old girl can be fine with it. It still doesn't mean I can't wonder and write about and obsess over in the mean time. It could be any of the multitude of things that I've already talked about. It could be something I've never even considered.

So, I'm asking you, dear readers, my friends, those who are supposed to be honest with me, what do you think makes me this way?

Fun, Family, Back, Break-ups

This will be short as I want a 15 minute nap before I go out to lunch with my fambam for the last time before they leave SD.

I had fun with them at Disneyland. I will talk more in detail about it later, but I will say I am very sad to see my annual pass expire with absolutely no money to renew it for another year.

I love, love, love spending time with my mother and brother more than anyone else in the entire world and I realize this more and more when I am with them. It's probably why I only saw Stephanie, Amelia, and Andrew this spring break. I apologize for not making enough time for everyone (Ashtyn, I really do love you!) or for not spending enough time with certain people . I wish I could have. A week is not enough for a break, especially when two days are travel and I desperately want to sleep/never leave the house because I am so tired from finals and the only people who can handle me like that is my family, only because they have to.

I'm back from Disneyland at UCSD now, have been actually for a bit, since Tuesday officially, but life has been one major stress ball and I haven't gotten anything done at all. I need to work, but now I am definitely getting sick (no sleep + week of fast food = no bueno) and I'm tired and I just want to sleep and never wake-up, but that'll have to wait until after my radio show tonight, which I will be attending yay! Sorry, Jezli, for missing last week's. I love you and thank you for putting up with my hugely irresponsible self for this week's show.

Break-ups, not for me, but for someone else, and I'm kind of wondering WTH. But boy I like is back on the market. Thanks to a smidgen of hopeful Facebook stalking I found this out. I'm kind of happy. I do feel bad for him though. I hope it wasn't bad or anything. Hopefully it was like "Eh? Nay." and so simple and quick. But mostly, I am confused.

Late Night Conversations

Jezli and I had a late night conversation after scouring wedding blogs for hours a couple nights ago. It was fantastic and we got some amazing ideas for our future, whenever they shall come weddings. (Jo-- you've got the pies!)

Then we finally peeled our eyes away from all of the DIY beauty and tried to fall asleep.

But we ended up talking-- about boys.

Now boys are stupid, that's my official opinion on the matter, and that was before all of this current crush fallout. I think it'll take me awhile still to find them so necessary to life that I need to spend a majority of my time with one. But we were talking about past boys and future boys and the current lack of present boys, when I said....

ME: "Boys are bullshit."

JEZLI: "Boys are bullshit."

ME: "I 'on't even curr about them."

(Yeah, I said it like that. What's it to ya?)

JEZLI: "Neither do I!"

(silence)

ME: "Jezli... I care so much."

JEZLI: "Me too."

And then we fell off to sleep.

Actually we talked a little longer, but I like this ending better.

It's true. I care. I can say all I want that I don't, but I do. I can honestly say that, right now though, I am not looking for a boyfriend and don't really want one. I have so much fun with these ladies I live with. I have the whole rest of my life to live with a boy, but I only have this year(s) to spend with them. Sorry, future boyfriend, you're going to have to wait awhile.

And, I think of this and I remember what I'm waiting for.

Because this guy's going to be perfect.

Ok, It's Alright With Me

Ok, so... many different emotions flowing through right now.

First of all, EXHILARATION because the ECLIPSE TRAILER IS OUT! AAAAAH!

I am so excited. The first line is the movie rendition of one of my favorite lines in the entire saga. And they're so close and it's getting closer to my favorite parts and I'm just excited. PLUS, Stephanie, the bestest person ever, and I are planning to go to the premiere so I can finally look upon the face of beauty in person. Insert audible sighs, outrageous giggles, and the weirdest noises ever right here.

Second of all, the boy I like, not any of my "boyfriends" or ER kid or my Out-Of-Reach-Object-Of-Affection or anyone else, the boy real boy I have liked for about a year now-- has a girlfriend. And what sucks is... we're similar. Well, at least according to Facebook. But like... ergh! What does she have that I don't? So, to all of you out there who were really pulling for us, who concluded that since he is an amazing guy who has done some pretty amazing things for me he must like me, it is over. Officially, I have to move on. And what makes me even more sad is that, we're probably not going to be friends anymore. I know it's a day and age where people can have girl friends and boy friends (note the spaces), but I can't do that when he has a girlfriend (note the absence of a space). I didn't hang out with Blake when he and Stephanie were dating and I'm not going to do it now. It's weird hanging out alone with a guy when you know he has someone else.

I guess, good-bye, you.

But good thing the trailer came out because now I have that to

1. Distract me from my studies.
2. Distract me from pain.
3. Make me smile.

And with that, I leave you... Eclipse.

An Ephemeral Melodic Moment

What this page is featured at the top of my blog is my current Song O' Obsession. The art is fleeting as my musical tastes whisk me from one ditty to another, but I thought that you should know what is my heat of the moment. Last week, it was Nancy Sinatra's "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" which I love listening to. It's sexy, sultry, and sensual. It's got a sadness to it that resonates within me, a pain I can emphasize with, and abeauty I could never replicate.

This week it is Guster's "Satellite." I heard it in the movie Martian Child with John Cusack and Amanda Peet, which is pretty much the exact way I want my life to go. I want to be a successful writer and then adopt a weird kid. I have a thing for the weird kid. You know they're going to be difficult, but absolutely genius. I'm not sure how my parenting skills will turn out, but I think I can support the creativity and special attention that the weird kid needs. Except, I would not like my husband to die young of cancer. That would blow.

But I haven't written about the protest or the Oscars or my writing or anything lately. Life's been crazy! The protest was amazing. It was so beautiful to see so many people coming together to raise awareness for the increasing tuition, outrageous budgets cuts, and insulting layoffs the government is putting us students through. I was at the rally at UCSD for about an hour and a half when they said that they were moving to the protest at Balboa Park. Jo was going with a group, so Shirley and I snagged a ride and when we got there, the majority of UCSD students had arrived, so the march started. I didn't even know we were marching, but then we took over Park Boulevard to Broadway to Front Street downtown. It was AMAZING! We shut down streets and freeway exits as we marched along. People everywhere were staring, asking what our cause was or giving us thumbs up and whistles in support.

THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW NOW! THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SOME SORT OF AWARENESS NOW!

I am so thrilled to have been a part of something like this. You hear about this great stuff happening in the 60's and during times of war. You hear of college kids protesting and rallies and marches. I never though I would be a part of it. So many things are accomplished through these non-violent demonstrations and I feel blessed to have participated in one. You've got a rebel on your hands, California, and I won't be silenced about the ridiculousness you are putting your future leaders, doctors, writers, engineers, politicians, lawyers through. We are all here. We are your future. We will be paying your Social Security and your Medicare and your AARP or whatever you geriatric gremlins need.

Anyway, the day was beautiful, the movement beautiful, and the people... beautiful.

The Oscar's party was amazing! I didn't expect to have so much fun at all! We watched it at a movie theatre and had unlimited popcorn and soda and people would come and refill them for us so we didn't have to leave our seats. And during each commercial they pulled raffle tickets and had SO much cool stuff to give away, the biggest prize being an acoustic guitar signed by George Clooney! I ended up getting a Paranormal Activity tee that some lady won, but she didn't want it and she asked our group who liked the movie and I said I did and so she gave it to me! And they had a ton of big movie posters and at one point they were like, "Well we have a lot of these so come up and get them!" So of course Jo and I ran and she got Up In The Air and the fourth Shrek and I got Princess and the Frog and ECLIPSE!!!! Now I have all three big posters of the three Twilight movies!! I'm really excited! But yeah, it was so much fun! I thought Alec and Steve were so funny and the people speaking about the nominees was really good! I'm so glad Sandra won too. I haven't see the movie at all, but I think she's great and I'm glad she was recognized. I didn't see The Hurt Locker, but now I want to! And I thought it was hilarious that they sat her and James Cameron right next to each other. AWKWARD!

Saw Foosh on Friday with Katie, cousin, and cousin's friend. Pretty funny! I love absolutely everything they do, except for their partying. I especially love everything Jared does, but alas! he is gay and off the market. Oh woeth me! And I found out my other Object of Affection is pretty much a douche, so that cuts that out. And I have no idea about my actual crush. I think he likes someone else, as evidenced by particular Facebook pictures. And ER boy annoys me now. No need to stalk.

I think I will be regular posting things that I'm writing as soon as I start actually writing regularly. I don't think I will post my story that I write for my final, but maybe an excerpt from it. Can't have people stealing my early work now!

A Few Times I've Been Around That Track

Ah! I got so off track with life these past couple of weeks. I've had midterms every week since third week and it's been so consuming. I'm glad it's over! One week off and then one more midterm, then finals are just around the corner, then HOME! Woot! I cannot wait until I go home. I'm so excited to see my mom and my brother, Stephanie, Andrew, Amelia, and Ashtyn. Lots of A'sssssss.

I've totally been playing dodgeball. Our team is so bad ass! And I've been getting to know our HA's Michelle and J.R. better. They are so freaking amazing. I love spending Thursday nights with them and the rest of the dodgeball team. Speaking of, Potter was on our team this week and I freaking died. I'm pretty sure he knows me as "that one girl whose really obsessed with me from T-House." Oh well! I've decided he's my new Unattainable Object of Affection because I found out my current, now ex I guess, Unattainable Object of Affection is GAY!! I'm not talking that one specific person, but my cute little half-asian piece of hilarity Jared. He's gay. J.R. double confirmed it by saying "He has a boo!" A BOO! AAAAAH! It was so hard watching him in Foosh; my heart was breaking and aching all over the place. He's beautiful. But now he is SUPER Unattainable Object of Affection, so Potter it is. He's single and straight too, perfectly acceptable to drool over him and his Half Blood Prince of Dodgeball skills.

I saw that particular someone on Thursday. Totally ran into him coming around a corner. I was like REALLY! TODAY OF ALL DAYS! I wasn't wearing any make-up. I hadn't showered. My hair was all up and awful. It was the only day all week I hadn't at least looked presentable because that was the day of my midterm and I had pretty much pulled an all-nighter. Let's add to this equation-- I had just taken a poop and I was holding a HUGE (huge to me, but I guess it was only a medium) and an onion ring. There I was gross and unhealthy in front of Mr. Always Good Looking and Vegetarian Super Health Man. He was like "How are you doing?" And I was like "Not so well. You can tell by my very large soda I shall be running on solely caffeine today." And he made me feel better because he said he had only gotten two hours of sleep and had had a lot of espresso. So I didn't feel so bad for being so gross. But I haven't seen him in weeks and I wish that THAT wasn't the day. Damn it.

What else is going on? I applied to I-House. Woohoo! The whole apartment did. I'm really actually kind of excited about it. I looked more and more into what kind of programs they offer and they seem legit. We're all pretty excited about it, but we're going to have to see what happens.

I haven't ran in a LONG time. Actualy, I ran like... two Mondays ago about two miles around Campus Loop. Not the best idea as I hadn't run for over a week. So it's been about three weeks since I've really ran. I think I'm giving up on the 5k blog... maybe I won't. I need to get back into my groove. Obviously staying up until freaking... all hours of the night isn't good for wanting to ge up early in the morning to do things, so with that little self-guilt trip, I'm going to bed now.

I love you all! Good night, my dearies!

I Finally Get It...

I just want a guy who will appreciate how awesome I am.

Because I am freaking awesome.

Boys and Taylor Swift

How can that be a legitimate title? Well, I'm going to wriet about boys and I'm listening to the very best in country-pop (with a little thug rapping on the side), T. Swizzle.



Although I used to listen to Taytay when I was going through the aftermath of the infamous "Winco Incident" and songs such as "White Horse," "Cold As You," "Breathe," and "Perfectly Good Heart" were my most favorites, that masochistic streak her music brought out in me has changed into a happy, smiley, dance-alicious streak that I love to indulge myself in. Because who doesn't want to be dance-alicious?



Anyway, it's probably because I like someone.



Insert huge grin here.
And a little wiggle dance.



But, yeah, you all know my dilemma in this-- 1. He doesn't like me back and 2. I can't date him.



So there's that.



I started this out intending to make a list of things that I would like in my next boyfriend. But I do not really see the point anymore. After everything that happened, I'm not going to let myself pick a bad one next time.



Here that?!? You're going to have to be REAL good.



And you will be really lucky to be the next one. And maybe you'll appreciate it better than the last one.



This was supposed to be happy. It is happy. I'm thinking of whoever he is and knowing he will be a good one. I'm excited to find out who he is. I like him already.



Dreaming about the day when you wake up to find what you've been looking for has been HERE the whole time. If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me!!