What is your biggest insecurity and why?

My biggest insecurity would be certain aspects about my body. I have an abnormally large amount of body hair. I'm sure someone reading this understands, but I sometimes I feel very alone in this. Once though, I was watching the Jimmy Kimmel Show and his girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend?) was on it, and she mentioned that she had a lot of body hair but said that Jimmy had said to her that it just means she has a lot of testosterone and therefore likes sex more. I just hope my husband thinks that's a fair trade-off.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Where does the good go?

The good goes to someone better and leaves you alone and heartbroken.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Who were your best friends in junior high?

Junior High was a hard time for me and friends. I pretty much had a new group every year. I can't remember having a best friend in sixth grade but a group of friends. Ashley M was best friend in seventh grade with some of the same friends from sixth grade. Eighth grade I bounced between those friends and Kate and her group and Julissa and that group. I was weird with friends.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

What were you like in high school?

Weird question. I was more immature than I am now obviously. I never really knew what I was like to other people because I didn't really ever care. To me, I was nerdy and weird and awkward and I don't mind it at all. I never went out much until I started hanging out with Kelsey and after that I pretty much always hung out with her outside of school. I ran cross country, but was never good at it. I think I was the girl that got straight a's, who teachers liked, who was medium to the student body, not too outrageous, not too quiet. I think. I don't know. I like me better now though.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?

That's such a ridiculously hard question to answer because there are so many songs that I would want to listen to. My first instinct is to go with "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson (I know, shut up.) because it's the most listened to song on my iPod. I used it as a lullaby with my roommates last year. Then I think, no, ridiculous, something Dave Matthews Band because they're my all time favorite band and I could listen to them forever and never get sick of them. But I decided that if I had one song to listen to for the rest of my life then it would be Hillsong United's "From The Inside Out" because that song never fails me and will keep my faith alive.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

The Poll's Dying Wish Granted- The Results

Alright, so the poll is now finally closed.

And believe you me, it was an EXCITING last day for the poll.

When the poll was first put up on March 12th, a few people voted on him, engaging with him and clicking on him in all the right places, but then his life dwindled for a bit. Every now and then he'd get a little scratch and ultimately before yesterday he wound up with only 12 votes.

Then I decided to give the poll a little publicity on the FB.

And he was given the day of his life.

6 people voted on him yesterday. 6! That was a 50% increase from his paltry lifetime of 12, but it was all in one day. The poll was teased and touched and thrilled beyond his wildest dreams. Good thing it was the last day of the poll for I fear that if he had one more day to go he might not have made it due to his sexual exhaustion.

The poll, in his last dying words, has given me the final results (and asked me to provide some colorful commentary) and the findings stand as following:

7 people, or 38%, fold your toilet paper methodically every time you poop.

I just have to say, what the hell is wrong with you people? You don't fold your toilet paper! You are going to wipe your butt with that! Why would you take the time to fold something you're just going to mess up in the wiping process, GET POOP ON, and throw into a watery abyss that you flush it down into. It makes NO SENSE to me. It's TOILET PAPER. You're TAKING A CRAP, DROPPING A DEUCE, TAKING THE BROWNS TO THE SUPER BOWL, PLAYING WITH LINCOLN LOGS--

YOU ARE NOT AT AN OVERLY PERFUMED ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH FOLDING OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE T-SHIRTS IN A FLAMING MANNER.

You're just taking a dump, dude. No need for folding.

11, or 61%, of you prefer to have the toilet paper coming from the top, not the bottom, because that's lamesauce.

These are my people unless of course you FOLD that toilet paper that's coming from the top, then we might have some problems. (Aside to myself in a grumpy mumble: Next time I think I'm not going to have overlapping results so that I can't yell at people and love them as well.... Stupid overlapping results.) If you were one of those overlapping people and you're questioning our friendship and wondering whether or not it will make it past this blog post, I have only two words for you, WE'LL SEE!

But people who like the toilet paper coming from the bottom are absolutely ridiculous, wouldn't you agree? My personal preference of getting my toilet paper is to reach out into the dark unfathomable chasm between the toilet and the wall (It's dark because our bathroom light takes about forty-five minutes to turn and therefore I mostly do away with it) and once I find that scratchy, straight from the tree toilet paper that UCSD so kindly provides for me to wipe my kaslopis with, I KARATE CHOP THAT MOFO until it gives me the EXACT AMOUNT OF PAPER I want. You can only do that WHEN THE PAPER COMES FROM THE TOP. (As I was writing this, that angry voice from the Powerthirst You Tube video was the one in my head, especially for the emphasized ALL CAPS sections.)

4, or 22%, of you wad it and stick it up your butt and pray that works for awhile.

It's nice to know that 4 of my readers have found Jesus. I'm glad that you also take the time to pray to him, in a very gentle yet pleading way I bet, that he makes the toilet paper you wadded up and stuck in your butt work for awhile. I'm glad you think Jesus of all people has time to worry about the TOILET PAPER YOU STUCK IN YOUR BUTT. Seriously, Jesus needs to be involved in your toilet matters?

I could understand if yes, maybe you have a serious illness that prevents you from using the bathroom like a regular person or yes, maybe you use it too much and these abnormal activities are something you do need to pray about to Jesus because, in fact, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE if they don't get solved soon. That I can picture a swift whisper of a prayer that says "Jesus, I know this is pretty awk right now, but if you could just relieve me of my abnormalities in the anus that would be stupendous." And Jesus would probably grant you that prayer because he's bomb dig like that and he came to Earth so he knows what abnormalities in the anus means and he doesn't want you to have them. Or maybe he loves you so much he decides to take you to heaven, getting rid of your abnormalities in the anus, and allowing you all the peace and freedom in the world.

Now you're probably thinking "Wow, that Jesus is a cool cat," but if you voted for option C and are worrying JESUS with your ABNORMALITIES WITH YOUR TOILET PAPER then actually you are straight going to hell.

Only 1, or 5%, of you voted absolutely all of the above.

Well, one special person, which might have been me that one time I voted a long ass time ago but can't remember because it was a long ass time ago, if you were me, then you're awesome and I love you. Thanks for being so non-conformist and choosing all of them, thereby proclaiming your contradictions and implying your hypocrisy while making a statement to the world that you're only human, we're all only human, and we're all going to make mistakes, so it's ok to be contradictory or hypocritical because that's how the loving Lord made us, perfect in our imperfection.

But if you're not me, YOU CAN'T DO ABSOLUTELY ALL OF THE ABOVE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE CONTRADICTORY AND HYPOCRITICAL AND WE, AS A PERFECT HUMAN RACE, ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CONTRADICTORY AND HYPOCRITICAL AND THIS VOTES PUTS YOU ON PAR WITH POLITICIANS AND SATAN! Maybe, maybe not.

So, once again, it's very sad to see poll go. He had a long run in this world, but I'm glad that he lives on in his results. I have to go now because the tears are clogging up my vision from the deep depression I am currently falling into and aisghphrepfalskjhgoise aoihfoislnfa sihfwiotwnfsfafalkhfslkfh sakhflkahelkthsmfnsf lkwehlksahflskfn.

The Definition Of Unitard *UPDATED*

Unitard--





A very unflattering outfit of spandex?

or

A retarded unicorn?

or

A retarded unicorn wearing a very unflattering outfit of spandex?

Don't Rain On My Parade

I love this song. At least, I love the version Glee does. I've been listening to them a lot this weekend. I should probably listen to something that I stole from the station, but this song... makes me happy.

It's really amazing. Great for dancing to. Great for singing to. It reminds me of my secret and deep desire to be a performer. I think if I could sing and dance and act for a living I would be happy. There are exactly 4 things keeping me from doing this:

1. I'm really not that pretty enough. Actresses, singers, dancers--they are gorgeous and fit and... perfect? Physically-wise, in my eyes, they are.

2. I can't sing. I think I'm really bad at it. I've never really been able to hear myself sing and have never dared to video myself singing just in case I really am bad as I suspect I am and then this small but fervent desire would have to be extinguished for good.

3. Dancing... not one of my strongest suits. Although, I am naturally more flexible, I've never honed in on this skill. Also, I feel that since I haven't been dancing since I was able to walk like some many people out there, I have no business trying now.

4. I think I might be a little good at acting, which really isn't keeping me from doing this, but I thought I'd throw this out there in good measure. I loved my acting class last year. It was so much fun and challenging and everything I wish I could have in all of my classes.

My life-goal-that-shall-never-be-achieved is to be Belle at Disneyland. Seriously, that's it. If I was asked to do it, I am pretty sure I would drop whatever was going on in my life to do it. I doubt that will ever happen to me, but who knows? Yet this very lofty goal of mine requires two things that I easily do not succeed in--being gorgeous and being perfect-- and therefore become a life-goal-that-shall-never-be-achieved. I guess I shouldn't make it a goal so that I won't fail at it. I shall call it... an ideal career path but I'm choosing otherwise out of sheer terror of the knowledge that I would fail at it and fail at it miserably.

Way to be depressing. It's days like this where I have to stay inside all day and work on homework that make me feel even more self-conscious of my body/take a blow to my self-confidence.

The Personal Narrative Never Writes Itself

I have a personal narrative to write and it is definitely not being written.

Obviously from the simple fact that I am typing this instead of that, but I have no ideas for that.

I mean, I could write about myself for ages (see... blog, for example), but now I have to connect to a wider social issue. I know there are things in my life that I could write about that connect to whatever wider social issues my professor, or should I say T.A.'s since I am pretty sure that our professor will never look at them, is looking for, but I do not want to write five pages about them. I do not want to write about them at all.

For example, my drunkard of a father and the terrible divorce he and my mother went through, making connections to alcoholism, domestic violence, the impact of divorce and then abandonment upon children.

I could do that.

But I won't.

I wanted to write something... light-hearted and funny? I really do not want to sink into the drearier aspects of my life to produce a paper that will never go beyond this class and that I may personally have to put my own emotional involvement in.

(In the middle of the sentence above, I had an idea for what I wanted to write about, possibly. I sent an email to my former TA, who is a TA for this class but not mine, asking him if it would be ok, then I played some Neopets, checked both email accounts, played more Neopets (I like Neopets, ok? Gosh.), looked at Barnes & Noble.com, took a call from my mom, checked my texts, and then came back to this sentence. So it's been awhile. Maybe like, 25 minutes.)

Wow, looking back on that sentence, I'm appalled at myself.

I don't want to put emotion into my writing?

That is sincerely a disheartening sentence. Why would I ever write that? I put emotion into everything all the time, but especially my writing. And I don't want to do it for this? Why? Because it's an assignment? Who gives a fuck? That is no excuse. That is an absolutely disgusting example of a complete lack of motivation, self-discipline, and a wretched amount of laziness.

I'm going to go write this damn essay right now whether or not TA gets back to me.

I figured out what I'm going to write about.

Down With The Sickness

So, last night, everything hit me.

I got sick. And it's not that fun.

In fact, it sucks a lot, especially when I'm so behind in school because I've been hanging out with my family and because I've been hanging out with my family, trying to juggle school and Disneyland and maximizing the amount of time spent with said family, now I am sick.

Argh.

And no one is really doing anything cool on Facebook so I don't even have that to distract me.

I've been working on my copyediting that I didn't do at all this week and I just finished it now. It's really hard to wrap your head with the minute details of grammar when your head isn't even feeling normal. And this week's stuff was hard. I fear I'm screwed.

I have chapters upon chapters to read, an essay to do that I have no idea how to write, three dense readings due by Tuesday 8am, a quiz Friday, and this upcoming week's copyediting. There's a part of me that's glad I'm sick so I can do all this work but I need to be sick enough to make me stay in bed (or on the couch, which is where my permanent residence has been today) but not sick enough that I can't absorb material. I wish I had just lost my voice like I did last year Spring quarter. I got so much work done.

This situation is no bueno.

Please pray for healing and some motivation to get everything done and a clear head.

Fun, Family, Back, Break-ups

This will be short as I want a 15 minute nap before I go out to lunch with my fambam for the last time before they leave SD.

I had fun with them at Disneyland. I will talk more in detail about it later, but I will say I am very sad to see my annual pass expire with absolutely no money to renew it for another year.

I love, love, love spending time with my mother and brother more than anyone else in the entire world and I realize this more and more when I am with them. It's probably why I only saw Stephanie, Amelia, and Andrew this spring break. I apologize for not making enough time for everyone (Ashtyn, I really do love you!) or for not spending enough time with certain people . I wish I could have. A week is not enough for a break, especially when two days are travel and I desperately want to sleep/never leave the house because I am so tired from finals and the only people who can handle me like that is my family, only because they have to.

I'm back from Disneyland at UCSD now, have been actually for a bit, since Tuesday officially, but life has been one major stress ball and I haven't gotten anything done at all. I need to work, but now I am definitely getting sick (no sleep + week of fast food = no bueno) and I'm tired and I just want to sleep and never wake-up, but that'll have to wait until after my radio show tonight, which I will be attending yay! Sorry, Jezli, for missing last week's. I love you and thank you for putting up with my hugely irresponsible self for this week's show.

Break-ups, not for me, but for someone else, and I'm kind of wondering WTH. But boy I like is back on the market. Thanks to a smidgen of hopeful Facebook stalking I found this out. I'm kind of happy. I do feel bad for him though. I hope it wasn't bad or anything. Hopefully it was like "Eh? Nay." and so simple and quick. But mostly, I am confused.

What celebrity would play you in a movie about your life?

I would love Zooey Deschanel to play me because she super amazing and talented and gorgeous. But I'd probably end up getting Kristen Stewart.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Politics

I really shouldn't talk politics. I don't really like it. I'm supposed to be happier and not depressing, but I want to explain myself, if I can, in a format that I can at least articulate myself better in.

Jo, Katie, and I got into a discussion about gay marriage tonight as I was talking to them about the Christian concept of "dying to yourself." I really don't have the best explanation of this, only a vague concept that eludes me most days. One example that I thought of was in the 2008 election I voted against gay marriage. If you feel you can no longer speak to me or you automatically think I am some close-minded super conservative Republican jerk, that's fine. I'm sorry it ended this way, but I'm not sorry about my decision.

I was very, very hesitant to vote on this issue. Everyone around me on campus was for it, signs were everywhere, it was such a big deal. Still is, of course. And personally, I don't want to deny someone the right to get married. I couldn't handle it if I couldn't get married. It's what I dream of the most and I couldn't imagine devastating someone like that. Just to be married, simple. When I first heard this was on the ballot, my immediate instinct was vote for it, make it legal.

And then I thought about it a lot. And I thought, What would God want?

I asked tons of different people everyday. I've never cared more about a decision. If someone was against it, I would argue for it. If someone was for it, I would argue against it. Both arguments rang true within me. I had so much turmoil destroying my insides over the issue. How could I deny someone the thing I dream of most? What if it was me?

I hold marriage in very high regard, not just in a biblical sense but in anyone-becoming-committed-to-each-other sense. I hold it in the highest regard, almost more than anything in the whole world. Marriage is a very big deal to me. I remember a quote from the movie What Happens in Vegas?, which I know is the most random movie to quote right now but the judge in the movie says, "It's not homosexuals ruining the sanctity of marriage. It's people like you," speaking of the two stars. And I totally agree with that. Homosexuals are some of the most committed people when it comes to relationships. It's heterosexuals who have wonderfully established the 50% divorce rate.

Yet still I couldn't vote for it. In the Bible, the book I am supposed to follow and believe in with all of my being, it says that homosexuality is a sin. And politically, this decision should have noting to do with religion. But politics are based on beliefs of how the world should be and beliefs include your religious ones. Someone said to me during this time that allowing gay marriage is allowing sin, saying it's ok to do that. We've outlawed murder and theft and lying, which are all sins as well. What makes this one different?

It literally came down to the last second.

There was so much around me for gay marriage that God seemed so tiny, non-existent in this decision. I honestly voted against marriage to give God a voice while honestly believing that it would be allowed without a question. I was actually shocked that it didn't pass.

Tonight, Jo asked me who am I to deny someone marriage?

On the other hand, in a biblical sense and as a Christian, who am I to let someone go to hell?

I don't know if I necessarily believe that. I don't know if I necessarily believe homosexuality is a sin. In fact, personally, I believe in LOVE above all else, no matter who it is between, as long as it is pure and good.

But that day I died to myself.

And no matter what I believe, I'm not sorry I did it.