I Am Slowly Killing Myself

I KNOW! Less emo, more fun. But I do believe that everyone in my apartment believes that I am slowly killing myself quicker than they are because of the fact that I put in my body exaborant (not a word, but it works) amounts of macaroni-and-cheese and peanut-butter-and-jelly and all sorts of delicious things but that aren't good for you in the exaborant (still not a word, but still works) amount that I eat them in.

I expressed this belief yesterday to Jezli and she said

"We do."

Oh, they do?

Jezli also told me that

"I have more days on this planet than you do because of the way I eat and because of the way you eat and I'm going to dominate the planet once you leave because you're superior planet domination skills are keeping me from doing so right now but you will die soon because of your inorganic eating habits and love for foods-that-are-hyphenated."

but in not so many words.

Which is fine by me. She can have the planet when I'm done with it. I bequeath unto you, Jezli H, which is your official name since that's how you put it on Bookface and that is the name that I will use in this official bequest.

And foods-that-are-hyphenated are way better than foods-that-are-not-hyphenated. And even though that phrase is hyphenated, it does NOT mean the unhyphenated foods are goods.

So I did this today.

This is me eating S'mores poptarts because the quarter is ending and I have no real food and I don't want to buy more because then it has to sit here while I'm gone and I don't want to do that to the food, so I'm resorting to eating whatever I have and what I have are S'mores poptarts.

Also, notice that I have removed the edges because I think they taste super gross.

Also, also, Jezli is concerned for me, as noted by her concerned motherly appearance in the background.

By the way, that's what Jezli looks like so if you think she's hot you should friend request her on Bookface. It'll probably be a good technique to save your life especially since I'm bequeathing the domination of the planet to her after I die and she'll probably at least save her Bookface friends when she starts killing all of the spiders and people she doesn't like off.

Flossing And Treasure

So, I should probably floss more than once a week.

Because when I don't it's like finding treasure and you've won the jackpot because it just keeps coming out.

That's disgusting.

My teeth aren't really that gross. If they were I probably wouldn't have teeth anymore and my smile wouldn't be a smile but a gaping hole in my face resembling a smile but it's not because there's no teeth.

I listened to MUSE all day today. I have eight songs on my iTunes and I listened to them repeatedly when I was not studying with another person aka Eyal aka new friend aka pretty damn cool. Also likes watermelon and can crush your soul in Super Smash.

Don't tempt him. He will slaughter your tiny little yellow Kirby mercilessly and laugh in your face about it with a victorious so awesome that is blows your mind and you're no longer able to breathe.

Well, maybe just the merciless slaughter of my tiny yellow Kriby.

In another words, he's bad ass.

Now here's a video of me typing this and trying to brush my teeth.

Spoiler alert-- I gave up doing both.

Serial Killers And Such

Obviously, I'm awful at studying. I really need to and I'm sitting here blogging instead. But I promised myself I'd start studying at 11 so I have exactly 11 minutes to share this with you and then hopefully go play a game on Neopets.

I read this last night instead of studying.

FREAKING CRAZY, RIGHT?!

This is exactly why no one likes clowns because serial killers dress up as them and then sodomize little boys who whimper "I just wanted a balloon animal" and then the murderous Pogo the Clown, fucking creepy name too, is like "Oh, I'll show you a balloon animal." And the kid thinks he's actually going to get one, but no it's actually DEATH.

That was morbid.

But that's my life right now. Finals are like being sodomized and killed by a clown when all you wanted was a balloon animal.

And I even prefer balloon hats.

Late Night Conversations

Jezli and I had a late night conversation after scouring wedding blogs for hours a couple nights ago. It was fantastic and we got some amazing ideas for our future, whenever they shall come weddings. (Jo-- you've got the pies!)

Then we finally peeled our eyes away from all of the DIY beauty and tried to fall asleep.

But we ended up talking-- about boys.

Now boys are stupid, that's my official opinion on the matter, and that was before all of this current crush fallout. I think it'll take me awhile still to find them so necessary to life that I need to spend a majority of my time with one. But we were talking about past boys and future boys and the current lack of present boys, when I said....

ME: "Boys are bullshit."

JEZLI: "Boys are bullshit."

ME: "I 'on't even curr about them."

(Yeah, I said it like that. What's it to ya?)

JEZLI: "Neither do I!"

(silence)

ME: "Jezli... I care so much."

JEZLI: "Me too."

And then we fell off to sleep.

Actually we talked a little longer, but I like this ending better.

It's true. I care. I can say all I want that I don't, but I do. I can honestly say that, right now though, I am not looking for a boyfriend and don't really want one. I have so much fun with these ladies I live with. I have the whole rest of my life to live with a boy, but I only have this year(s) to spend with them. Sorry, future boyfriend, you're going to have to wait awhile.

And, I think of this and I remember what I'm waiting for.

Because this guy's going to be perfect.

How Do I Make My Blog Cooler?

I know!



I'll add a poll.

Look over there, bitches.

It's a poll.

Ok, It's Alright With Me

Ok, so... many different emotions flowing through right now.

First of all, EXHILARATION because the ECLIPSE TRAILER IS OUT! AAAAAH!

I am so excited. The first line is the movie rendition of one of my favorite lines in the entire saga. And they're so close and it's getting closer to my favorite parts and I'm just excited. PLUS, Stephanie, the bestest person ever, and I are planning to go to the premiere so I can finally look upon the face of beauty in person. Insert audible sighs, outrageous giggles, and the weirdest noises ever right here.

Second of all, the boy I like, not any of my "boyfriends" or ER kid or my Out-Of-Reach-Object-Of-Affection or anyone else, the boy real boy I have liked for about a year now-- has a girlfriend. And what sucks is... we're similar. Well, at least according to Facebook. But like... ergh! What does she have that I don't? So, to all of you out there who were really pulling for us, who concluded that since he is an amazing guy who has done some pretty amazing things for me he must like me, it is over. Officially, I have to move on. And what makes me even more sad is that, we're probably not going to be friends anymore. I know it's a day and age where people can have girl friends and boy friends (note the spaces), but I can't do that when he has a girlfriend (note the absence of a space). I didn't hang out with Blake when he and Stephanie were dating and I'm not going to do it now. It's weird hanging out alone with a guy when you know he has someone else.

I guess, good-bye, you.

But good thing the trailer came out because now I have that to

1. Distract me from my studies.
2. Distract me from pain.
3. Make me smile.

And with that, I leave you... Eclipse.

An Ephemeral Melodic Moment

What this page is featured at the top of my blog is my current Song O' Obsession. The art is fleeting as my musical tastes whisk me from one ditty to another, but I thought that you should know what is my heat of the moment. Last week, it was Nancy Sinatra's "Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)" which I love listening to. It's sexy, sultry, and sensual. It's got a sadness to it that resonates within me, a pain I can emphasize with, and abeauty I could never replicate.

This week it is Guster's "Satellite." I heard it in the movie Martian Child with John Cusack and Amanda Peet, which is pretty much the exact way I want my life to go. I want to be a successful writer and then adopt a weird kid. I have a thing for the weird kid. You know they're going to be difficult, but absolutely genius. I'm not sure how my parenting skills will turn out, but I think I can support the creativity and special attention that the weird kid needs. Except, I would not like my husband to die young of cancer. That would blow.

But I haven't written about the protest or the Oscars or my writing or anything lately. Life's been crazy! The protest was amazing. It was so beautiful to see so many people coming together to raise awareness for the increasing tuition, outrageous budgets cuts, and insulting layoffs the government is putting us students through. I was at the rally at UCSD for about an hour and a half when they said that they were moving to the protest at Balboa Park. Jo was going with a group, so Shirley and I snagged a ride and when we got there, the majority of UCSD students had arrived, so the march started. I didn't even know we were marching, but then we took over Park Boulevard to Broadway to Front Street downtown. It was AMAZING! We shut down streets and freeway exits as we marched along. People everywhere were staring, asking what our cause was or giving us thumbs up and whistles in support.

THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE KNOW NOW! THINK OF HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE SOME SORT OF AWARENESS NOW!

I am so thrilled to have been a part of something like this. You hear about this great stuff happening in the 60's and during times of war. You hear of college kids protesting and rallies and marches. I never though I would be a part of it. So many things are accomplished through these non-violent demonstrations and I feel blessed to have participated in one. You've got a rebel on your hands, California, and I won't be silenced about the ridiculousness you are putting your future leaders, doctors, writers, engineers, politicians, lawyers through. We are all here. We are your future. We will be paying your Social Security and your Medicare and your AARP or whatever you geriatric gremlins need.

Anyway, the day was beautiful, the movement beautiful, and the people... beautiful.

The Oscar's party was amazing! I didn't expect to have so much fun at all! We watched it at a movie theatre and had unlimited popcorn and soda and people would come and refill them for us so we didn't have to leave our seats. And during each commercial they pulled raffle tickets and had SO much cool stuff to give away, the biggest prize being an acoustic guitar signed by George Clooney! I ended up getting a Paranormal Activity tee that some lady won, but she didn't want it and she asked our group who liked the movie and I said I did and so she gave it to me! And they had a ton of big movie posters and at one point they were like, "Well we have a lot of these so come up and get them!" So of course Jo and I ran and she got Up In The Air and the fourth Shrek and I got Princess and the Frog and ECLIPSE!!!! Now I have all three big posters of the three Twilight movies!! I'm really excited! But yeah, it was so much fun! I thought Alec and Steve were so funny and the people speaking about the nominees was really good! I'm so glad Sandra won too. I haven't see the movie at all, but I think she's great and I'm glad she was recognized. I didn't see The Hurt Locker, but now I want to! And I thought it was hilarious that they sat her and James Cameron right next to each other. AWKWARD!

Saw Foosh on Friday with Katie, cousin, and cousin's friend. Pretty funny! I love absolutely everything they do, except for their partying. I especially love everything Jared does, but alas! he is gay and off the market. Oh woeth me! And I found out my other Object of Affection is pretty much a douche, so that cuts that out. And I have no idea about my actual crush. I think he likes someone else, as evidenced by particular Facebook pictures. And ER boy annoys me now. No need to stalk.

I think I will be regular posting things that I'm writing as soon as I start actually writing regularly. I don't think I will post my story that I write for my final, but maybe an excerpt from it. Can't have people stealing my early work now!

Surveying The Land

Hi, my name is.....
Bells.
Never in my life have I...
arrested for being high on crack and driving a stolen golf cart.
The one person who can drive me nuts is...
Anyone featured in a reality show.
High school...
was unnecessary torture.
When I'm nervous...
I laugh.
The last time I cried was...
this morning when I woke because of a sad dream.
If I were to get married right now my wedding would be...
online.
My hair is...
my favorite part of my physical appearance.
When I was 7...
everything happened to me.
Last Christmas...
was spent at Disneyland.
I should be...
doing everything else.
When I look down I see...
my vagina.
The craziest recent event was...
the FOOSH versus Iota Eta Pi show.
If I were a character on Friends I'd be...
Monica.
By this time, next year...
I hope to be in a better spot in life.
My current gripe is...
my extreme lack of motivation. Ever since the noose, I've lost it.
I have a hard time understanding...
why I do stupid things.
There's this girl I know who...
and she's listening to music.
You know I like you when...
I don't tell you I don't like you.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be...
my mama.
Take my advice...
PULL THE PLUG!
My most wanted wish is...
a good husband.
If you visited the place I was born...
you would want to get the hell out of there.
I plan to visit...
New York City.
If you spend the night at my house...
we can play Barbies and board games and paint each other's nails and... and... and...
I'd stop my wedding if...
it was not with the one I'm supposed to be with.
The world could do without...
reality television.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than...
watch reality television.
Most recent thing I've bought myself...
the Guster cd.
Most recent thing someone else bought me...
a Vagina Monologue ticket.
My favorite blonde is...
Stephanie.
My favorite brunette is...
myself.
My favorite redhead is..
Rupert Grint.
My middle name is...
Rose
This morning I...
woke up to the saddest dream.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are...
dinosaurs.
I'm eating....
Cheez-Its.
Last night I was...
really hyper and screaming at random strangers.
There's this guy I know who...
he's out of my league.
I don't know...
why I am wasting my time.
A better name for me would be...
Crazypants.
Tomorrow I am...
finishing up homework.
My birthday is...
almost a spectacular event.

Dear Montana

In response to the comment left on my previous blog Hate And A Noose...

I have to agree with you in saying that the noose at UCSD was an extremely cowardly act. Think about this--This supposedly misguided individual says that she did not believe it was a big deal to hang a noose reminiscent of the disgusting lynchings that took place in our country's past in our schools' library during a time of great hardship and pain for the black community at our school, yet if we consdier the placement of the noose- seventh floor of the library in a back corner, facing the windows on the outside edges of the library- we know it cannot be so. She hung this in a place where she could not be caught, some place that it took two and a half hours for people to find and call in about. If the noose had been "no big deal," then why wasn't it placed somewhere more publicspot, such as in front of the library or at the very doorstep of the BSU? If it didn't matter, why hide it? And why come forward so quickly if the horrendous act wasn't eating away at her soul? So, yes, I do agree this act was cowardly and only worsened the already degrading atmosphere for the African Americans on our campus.

What I don't understand in your comment though is why do you believe it is the Republican party instilling these thoughts into this girl's mind? You, in fact, give multiple reasons as to why she could have thought that this act was ok- her parents, a lack of education (which, I must say, I doubt tremendously as she is a student here at UCSD and, although as of right now our reputation seems quite contrary, we are not a bunch of ignorant assholes)- but you give your final assumption to be those "birthers, baggers, and blowhards" of the Republican party, saying those who follow Republican values and the thoughts of specific "dullard" Republicans are "young and dumb." This is where I must disagree with you, my dear Montana. I personally am Republican. I personally hold particular Republican values very near to my heart. I must say I am not the most conservative of my political affiliation and do, in fact, take liberal positions in different political debates. I personally do not live in fear of my black president nor do I simply follow the words of any Republican-ideas activist because they are said. I am young. I am not stupid. I do not believe it is ok to hang a noose in a public library to threaten the black community of my school.

Way to jump to conclusions and blame whoever you want to blame to make yourself feel better. I'm glad there are ignorant people such as yourself to make this world a better place.

You Can Call It Friction

I want to take this moment to apologize to a certain someone. I did something pretty rude today and I'm really sorry. I don't want you to feel bad about it at all and I was a poor excuse of a friend for saying that to you. Please know that you were not in the wrong and I'm just being a super brat. I love you!

And yes, I definitely am being a super brat. I've just been off this week. I thought I would be better after a week of rest and a break from midterms, but I'm not, not even close. I'm still tired and bitchy and awful feeling. I got sick halfway through the week, then I thought my story was due on Friday so I almost pulled an all nighter before I realized it wasn't due. And now I'm behind in every single class. Awesome. I just need a break from this place. I'm over it as of right now, but I always get this way.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a fight with my mom right now because I hung out with my aunt this weekend. She always gets pissed for some reason when I tell her I'm hanging out with my aunt the day of. And it's like... I don't have to tell you anything but I do because I care about you, I want you involved in my life, and I love you. And she gets "hurt" because I "have my own life" and she's not a part of it. I talk to her more than anyone else I know, including the people I live with. It's so annoying because she does only gets mad when I hang out with my aunt. I think she gets jealous that my aunt gets to spend time with me and she doesn't but really it's a bunch of bullshit because my aunt lives 20 minutes away and she lives 12 hours away. It's ONLY when I hang out with my aunt. And it's annoying as fuck.

Gosh, I'm pretty complaning today. Lets change this up a bit.

I'm very happy that our house has made into the dodgeball championships. We are amazing. I've never wanted to play a sport more than this and I ran cross country for three years. Today I played at the beack with Jo, Tina, Arka, Surajh, and other people that the boys introduced us to today. It was so much fun, running through the grass. I really enjoyed how we changed the game to fit the limited space and people. And it felt so nice to be at the beach even though my legs went into shock after spending so much time in grass. They do not like the grass.

I really enjoyed my time out with my aunt. I really needed some time off campus, away from all of the tension I feel here. We went to Little Italy and ate at Fillipi's, I think it was called. Something Italian named, of course. And I got this delicious shrimp and noodle dish. It was so rich in butter though. I've tried to eat it a few different times and I cannot eat more than a little bit because it's so rich. Then we went and checked out an AMAZING art exhibit at the MCA by Tara Donovan who does the coolest things with styrofoam cups, straws, sheets of plastic, mylar, SCOTCH TAPE, toothpicks, tar sheets, buttons, sewing pins. I mean, this was just the coolest stuff ever.

This was my favorite. It's made out of tiny strips of myler, glued together to make rings. The rings are attached together and the whole piece is held up by pins on the wall. It was breathtaking. And so interesting. The one I saw reminded me of a tree top and was smaller than this one.

I can seriously picture myself doing this to my own house one day. It would definitely be time consuming and I'm definitely no Tara Donovan but I actually do believe I could recreate something like this. Not as elaborate or pretty, but something on my own. I think this would be an amazing piece for someone's own home.
If you look at the rings up close, they look like clear glass pebbles attached to the wall because the light bounces off of the metallic insides of the rings creating all this depth and wonder. It's sincerely one of the best things I've ever seen. AH! I just loved it and was so happy I was able to see it on it's last day in San Diego. Also, I got to meet Tara Donovan which was pretty cool. We had the same color nail polish on-reddish orange, which is a pretty strange color to have in common.

Anyway, good and bad this week. I would say mostly bad. And after spending a jillion hours barely doing any homework, I'd say this week it starting out on a bad foot too. Uh-oh. Let's get myself together, Chelsey!

Hate And A Noose

If you don't know what I will be talking about, here's a link to an article that should be updating continuously as these tragic events at UCSD unfold.

http://studentactivism.net/2010/02/26/noose-found-hanging-at-ucsd-library/

This is what is happening at my school, a nationally renowned university of higher education. Can you fucking believe it? How does this happen? Is this even real life?

As today went on, I just became more and more worn out, as if the life was being choked from me.

Do you not understand? This represents "Be silent or die." Is this what this world is about? Is this what my community is about?

Thank God it's not. Thank God there are people here who care and stand up for this.

I've heard countless opinions today, talked about it multiple times, and the thought still shocks me. It shakes me to the core. I haven't begun to wrap my head around this yet. I've literally spent the day in denial, doing anything to take my mind of it. I almost lost it as I explained to my mom the events that are going on.

How do I tell my mom that I'm not safe in a place where she cannot protect me?

How do I tell my mom there's a question of a school shooting hanging about our heads?

How do I explain to myself why I don't want to go outside, why I don't want to be in the place that has brought so much joy and growth for me?

And all of these thoughts are nothing. They are nothing in comparison to everything going through my mind because I still cannot wrap my head around it.

The stories are terrifying and the climate is tense. The weather burdens our moods with a heavy grey and there's no way to get away from it.

So I will sleep it off and see what comes Monday. What else can I do?

These Stories Are Ringing In My Ears

We critiqued two stories in my fiction class yesterday. One of them was really interesting, about a guy who immersed fantasy and memory into his reality as he misses his ex-girlfriend. I thought it was really amazing. I love the feeling certain stories give me and this kid, the one I'm stalking to Espresso Roma (No, I'm not really stalking. I'm just finding him to be interesting from a distance and don't really have the nerve to tell him in person or in a way that's less creepy. How do you tell someone they're interesting to you when you know nothing about them and not be creepy? I'd rather be creepy from a distance.) Anyway, it was good. Reminded me a lot of the... I want to call them The Blake Years but damn it if I have to say his name all the time.

What shall I call them then? "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" and by any other name, that period of my life would still suck.

I don't want to call them The Blake Years because in fact, I don't want him to ever read this or for me to say this out loud in front of him because I really don't want to hurt him. In reality, I really want nothing to do with him anymore. Not in a bad way, just... we can't be friends, we're not more than friends, we're that awkward too much history. I said this to Stephanie- (well, I typed it out and it felt too personal to say, especially when I know certain readers do not have the full story, so ask me in person if you really want to know.) But it's true. It is too hard and I don't have what it takes to make our relationship/friendship/awkwarship anything. Therefore, no Blake, no Blake Years, just... the years I wasted. The years I wasted yet learned so much. Too long. Acronym?

The second story was about a girl Carmen who had a lot of family baggage and she has these mysterious to the reader scars all over her stomach. Turns out, she's a cutter, which none of us ever guessed during workshop. Espresso Roma Kid (ERK from here on out) asked why it wasn't on the wrists, and she said because the stomach was easier to hide. Then ERK was like "Oh good, so it's not like for attention" and then the workshop ended with everyone making slights about people who cut, like they listen to this certain band and dress this way and have razorblades just chilling in their bathroom all the time.

I've said it on here before and those who know me know this, I used to have a problem with cutting from eighth grade through sophomore year of high school. And if you've read some of my more depressing blogs on here, they usually have to do with a fear of relapsing. And it always hurts me so much when people make fun of self-injury. It's not funny. It's not something that only affects "emo" or "goth" kids. I haven't changed much in the way of looks and apparel and outward demeanor. Would you count me as an emo or goth kid? Would you look at me and say she cuts herself? Probably not. So why in the fuck do people have to always assume that? It pisses me off to no end.

I've had people make fun of me, not only behind my back, but to my face about cutting. People I trusted and loved tear me apart because of something that I couldn't help, something I was literally addicted to. I know their words and laughter hurts, and it's not what anyone dealing with self-injury needs.

I just hope if anyone can read this and be more aware then I did my part. If you ever want to know more about this, don't hesitate to ask me. It's a part of my past and made me who I am today. I'm not ashamed and would more than willing to share my experience with you. But please think about your words when you talk about this. You never know if the girl with the smiles plastered all over her face is actually hiding her pain beneath them.

You never really know.

http://www.twloha.com/

I'm Blog-alicious.

Wow, so many of my friends have blogs. And I like it. It's really interesting to see that even when I LIVE with some of these people there are still parts of their lives that I'll never see or know about. But blogging makes that much less severe, so thank you everyone for pouring yourselves out on the internet for my personal pleasure of reading. Not really, but I like seeing these hidden moments in the lives of the people I love.

Speaking of seeing hidden moments of other people, I sufficiently stalked this kid in my writing class until the point where I found his music on myspace. Get this jazz?? He's pretty damn good. And his voice is so much more less annoying when he sings. He's playing a show this Monday at Espresso Roma at 8 and I think I'm going to go stalk him there too because I want to hear him live.

I'm super tired and apathetic to life this week, although I'm not exactly sure why. I'm still probably recovering from last week and I'm catching whatever Katie gave to me. That jerk! I need to be working on my story, but I just don't have the gumption at all. I pretty much just sat around and read today and baked some cupcakes for Muirons, which unfortunately no one showed up to again this week. Oh well, still have a lesson that I can do for next week.