Friday, January 14, 2011

Resolutions and Redemption: The Return to Sporadic, Prolific Blogging

Sometimes I forget I am in college.

That's weird, right?

I think it is.

See, I forget until someone unknowingly snaps my mind back into my brain and brings the fact into obvious light. I was walking down the street that spans from The Village and ends abruptly in the T-intersection in front of the plastic bubble building everyone asks about but no one ever seems to have a real answer as to what happens inside of it situated conspicuously in the inbetween of the Muir upper and lower parking lots, on my way to (of all things) PSYC176: Creativity when it happened this past Thursday. It was simply two boys, one of his longboard and one on his bike, pedaling and pushing after each other, who brought me back to the world in front of me with a single we question-- "Are we going to OVT or Cafe V?" It seemed so normal; a question that everyone on campus would have asked at least once in their time here, at least since both buildings have been built and used as functioning dining halls (but I don't know if I should quite give that label to either as I'm still scarred by high school cafeteria lunches).
It was a part of an everyday lexicon that, had I not gone here, I would have never understood.
And that's when I remembered I was in college.

What can I say about my time spent in college? I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure if it's the place where I've discovered my self, tried new things, "experimented," found my life's purpose and path, found a political identity, found out what sex is really like in all its forms, made mistakes but learned from them. I'm not sure what this place is for me at all.
I'm tempted to call it a continuation of my high school existence, a place of waiting-for-the-next-big-thing. But that would cheapen something I know is not either of those things. Though it feels like it in low moments.
I feel as if my time in college has been on this path I've never veered from. I picked psychology because that's what I've always felt I should and wanted to study "...because after years and years of school, something I'm good at, I could get a job where I could work all the time and make a ton of money to support my family and be comfortable, which is never something I've ever once had in my life." I started working at the thrift store because I love thrift store shopping, buying so many books that I don't think I'll ever get through all of them in my life (my home and school bookshelves are in overflow mode currently). I started doing the radio show because I wanted a time where I could listen to my music as loudly as I wanted (though it is not exactly the place I can do that). I got involved in iHop because I wanted to do something in iHouse that padded my application to get into it next year. I must say though, I continue going because I enjoy the people who go there and what we do. I pick classes that fit what I'm supposed to do, what I like, though they never end up seeming to go the way I wanted and I fall back into my memorize-regurgitate-forget pattern that I so dearly relied upon throughout my pre-college academia. I picked up a Writing minor so I could do the classes, though I feel like I might want to major in it more.

And honestly, I don't know what's bad about any of that.

Why do I feel like I have simultaneously explored new things but stuck to my comfort zone? Why do I feel like I've rebelled against the norm but fit amongst the many here? Why do I feel stuck but in retrospect know that that isn't the case at all?

I've been reading the Jessica Darling series after finally completing ownership of the entire series. I realize how much that girl had an impact on my college path. I applied to Columbia because she went there. I picked majoring in psychology because of the reasoning she did-- I analyze so much, might as well get paid for it. Ok, the two don't seem like much but now when reading her words, I feel less like this main character and I are so similar and more like "Wow, I definitely attempted to follow in her footsteps." I even write like she does. This currently-being-written blog SCREAMS "I am trying to be Jessica Darling" though it doesn't feel too far from myself. Also, she would never blog. At least as far as book three is concerned.
She has this boyfriend, Marcus Flutie, who I am obsessed with. I remember in eighth grade when my passionate love affair with Jessica Darling began, I obscured the pink canvas of my Jansport backpack with "I heart MF." I think he would be my Marcus Flutie because of the awkward history we have together. It's a history I'm not going to dabble in on the for-everyone's-eyes Internet, but it's a history that's never had a real closure for me. It's a little unstable.
I've been wondering what it would be like to get back into contact with Nate and I even looked him up on myspace because I knew that's where he would be. I wondered what he would think if "Chelsey"-no picture, no profile, no nothing- were to contact him out of the blue with a friend request. I wonder if he would remember who I was.
I feel as if there were anyone currently in my life like Marcus, it would be Josh. He's really opened himself up to new things it seems- vegetarianism, Habitat for Humanity, the Peace Corps, doing things I could never dream of doing. Ok, I'm making him sound like some super-liberal-left-wing-nutcase, but I don't see that in Josh at all. He's not that kind to shove opinions down anyone's throat which is just one of the things saves him from being the stereotypical-Save the Whales-dreadhead and being labeled as anything but awesome. He's not into this stuff for political reasons- maybe the vegetarianism- but because he likes them. I remember meeting him in his sophomore year and how he seemed really young and lost in life. Seeing how much Josh has changed since then is a really neat thing. I think he's still a lost though, which is something I think he will fully admit to.
I like the way Josh lives his life though. I don't know how to define it but I don't think I could ever do it, whatever "it" is. I just definitely know it doesn't include this downer, socially phobic, judgmental, close-mindedness thing I have going on. I don't know how to change that though.

Because today is the first day of that time of the month where my body violently turns on itself and attempts to rid itself of all that my uterus has been holding onto, I've been stuck in bed eating Froot Loops straight from the bag and reading Jessica Darling. Reading these books have brought up a lot of new things to think about and I fell into of those thought-naps where you're asleep but it feels like you've been thinking the whole time.
I knew I had been asleep, yet I still woke up wondering why my room was dark, why I hadn't seen the divine blend of colors reflected against the sterile white walls of my dorm room. I was still surprised that time had passed at all though I was in the same on-my-side position with my had holding my place in my book and my heating pad lying on top of my raised hip.

However, I knew it was time to start blogging again.

Weird, huh?

I've been thinking about coming back to really blogging for awhile now. Not that shit I've randomly posted from time to time this past summer and quarter. Something more real.
I've had my doubts about this blog. First, it was merely something to be creative in. Then it was influenced by Hyperbole and Half's wit and comic autobiographical epicness and turned into this must-produce-must-advertise-must-must-must thing that ended up sucking all the fun out of it. And I haven't really been able to go back to it since.
Also add onto the fact that I don't feel like I can be honest on here because of the 20-something people who read it. I'm not that vulnerable, ok? I can't spread my life like that for people. I'm much more of a closed-off, in-my-shell, don't-ask-me-how-I'm-doing-unless-you-want-a-lie kind of girl. I have to work up telling my best friend things, but that's as far as I'm willing to work at the moment.
Well, except for the fact that I'm attempting a new blog yet again. I shall not advertise; I shall not tell anyone that I'm really writing again and trying to write openly and honestly (except for the one event that shall remain "The Event" for legal and safety purposes); I shall not let the blog become a must.

I think these are the New Resolution's I will make.

1 comment:

  1. Ooooh! I love when I notice that my writing style begins to mimic other writers. Lately it's been a bit Rob Bell-esque. I know exactly what you mean.


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