what career path are you on? if you're a ninja or a spy, you don't have to tell.

My first non-perfectly written question! Yay! I know you are real and not a robot feeding me questions. I am unsure how many questions below are real because I think formspring just felt bad for my non-getting-questions and gave me a whole bunch. I was unsure because there were none that were not perfectly written. But YOURS ISN'T CAPITALIZED, so I know you're real. And that means, you are loved.

And it's a good thing you said that, anonymous, because if I was (I DEFINITELY AM) a spy and/or (AND) ninja, I wouldn't tell you. Because... I would have to kill you. If you look like 2 or 3 questions below, you will see that I have various ways to kill people while also simultaneously protecting Katie. I always protect Katie.

But my career front is unsure as of right now. I used to want to become a counselor, especially one for teens, because I think I understand that age group well and I understand a lot of things that teens go through REALLY well. But then I found out how much schooling that is and I also realized that I might not be well suited for that, so I'm unsure. I'm really sick of school now and that might change by the time I graduate but if it doesn't I might even go back once I do some things that are very unschoolish. Other than that, I'm also considering being a writer, working in the publishing world, working for Disney/applying for an internship there, working for TWLOHA/applying for an internship there, working on a ranch, being a truck driver, not caring about an actual career and being a secretary or something so I can meet my Jim and do other things that aren't career oriented, like live in a camper and travel around the mainland United States. I don't know. The future holds a lot for me right now and there are so many things I'm figuring out that I want to do besides jumping into grad school or starting my career. I'm very excited for the unknown for once in my life.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

These Stories Are Ringing In My Ears

We critiqued two stories in my fiction class yesterday. One of them was really interesting, about a guy who immersed fantasy and memory into his reality as he misses his ex-girlfriend. I thought it was really amazing. I love the feeling certain stories give me and this kid, the one I'm stalking to Espresso Roma (No, I'm not really stalking. I'm just finding him to be interesting from a distance and don't really have the nerve to tell him in person or in a way that's less creepy. How do you tell someone they're interesting to you when you know nothing about them and not be creepy? I'd rather be creepy from a distance.) Anyway, it was good. Reminded me a lot of the... I want to call them The Blake Years but damn it if I have to say his name all the time.

What shall I call them then? "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" and by any other name, that period of my life would still suck.

I don't want to call them The Blake Years because in fact, I don't want him to ever read this or for me to say this out loud in front of him because I really don't want to hurt him. In reality, I really want nothing to do with him anymore. Not in a bad way, just... we can't be friends, we're not more than friends, we're that awkward too much history. I said this to Stephanie- (well, I typed it out and it felt too personal to say, especially when I know certain readers do not have the full story, so ask me in person if you really want to know.) But it's true. It is too hard and I don't have what it takes to make our relationship/friendship/awkwarship anything. Therefore, no Blake, no Blake Years, just... the years I wasted. The years I wasted yet learned so much. Too long. Acronym?

The second story was about a girl Carmen who had a lot of family baggage and she has these mysterious to the reader scars all over her stomach. Turns out, she's a cutter, which none of us ever guessed during workshop. Espresso Roma Kid (ERK from here on out) asked why it wasn't on the wrists, and she said because the stomach was easier to hide. Then ERK was like "Oh good, so it's not like for attention" and then the workshop ended with everyone making slights about people who cut, like they listen to this certain band and dress this way and have razorblades just chilling in their bathroom all the time.

I've said it on here before and those who know me know this, I used to have a problem with cutting from eighth grade through sophomore year of high school. And if you've read some of my more depressing blogs on here, they usually have to do with a fear of relapsing. And it always hurts me so much when people make fun of self-injury. It's not funny. It's not something that only affects "emo" or "goth" kids. I haven't changed much in the way of looks and apparel and outward demeanor. Would you count me as an emo or goth kid? Would you look at me and say she cuts herself? Probably not. So why in the fuck do people have to always assume that? It pisses me off to no end.

I've had people make fun of me, not only behind my back, but to my face about cutting. People I trusted and loved tear me apart because of something that I couldn't help, something I was literally addicted to. I know their words and laughter hurts, and it's not what anyone dealing with self-injury needs.

I just hope if anyone can read this and be more aware then I did my part. If you ever want to know more about this, don't hesitate to ask me. It's a part of my past and made me who I am today. I'm not ashamed and would more than willing to share my experience with you. But please think about your words when you talk about this. You never know if the girl with the smiles plastered all over her face is actually hiding her pain beneath them.

You never really know.

http://www.twloha.com/

Someone Voted.

I am surpised to find someone voted on my poll. (See right.)


I kind of spammed my blog, but it was to talk about TWLOHA and all the good works they are doing right now. But it means someone came, read, and cared.


So, thank you, someone.


On a side note, got my hurr cut yesterday. I'm going to post some not-so-good pictures so you can see that I now have BANGS!! BANG BANGS!! I think they're cool. I'm still getting used to them though.





Here they are.










So, these are my bad pictures of my BANG BANGS.









I did some painting today too. I started them at like 2 in the am last night because I could not fall asleep. Probably because I slept until 1:30 in the pm. I'm really excited. I'll post them after I send them to someones. They're for two different people. One is a prayer and one is just for fun.

Also read a whole chapter of psych. Still need to read for Chem. Yeah.
I'll write about Mickey's Trick-or-Treat soon.
Going to clean my room now. It's a mess. Then I'll wash some dishes hopefully.

Thank you for being here. Your presence is helpful. Good night.

To Write Love.

TWLOHA is an organization I have loved and cherished since I first stumbled upon it my senior year in high school. As a former "cutter," seeing so many people come together for something most people try to ignore brings me to tears every time I check in on the group to see what they're up to. To me, their work is beautiful.

Over one year ago, I got a tattoo on my left wrist. It says "Love" with a little heart coming off the "e." It covers the same wrist I used to cut for almost three years. I cannot begin to describe everything this tattoo represents. It is a small token of my appreciation for the group who is changing lives daily. It is a reminder for me to write love on myself, not the bloody lines of hate. It is a goal I have set for myself, to write love on the arms and hearts of others. It is an account of those I have loved, love, and will love. It is a symbol of God, the creator and very essence of love. It is a mark of hope. It is my life story.

I just want to say that cutting, self-injury, depression, suicide, helplessness, and hurt are very real. They are not something to be ignored. If someone you know is hurting, reach out to them before there's no one to reach out to. Save. Give hope. Write love on their arms.





It's been almost four years since my last cut. There are some days where love is overwhelming. And there are some days where the struggle is still intense.

But I am glad to be here any day.


www.twloha.com