Thursday, November 26, 2009


She died.

I cannot believe after all of the progress and beauty and everything, that she just dies in the end.

I honestly cannot even possibly consider she chose that. I cannot see her that way. After everything was becoming so... good. And then, it's just over.

After everything, she dies.

It scares the shit out of me. No matter what, no matter how I can change the way I think or how strong I think I am, that it could not even matter in the end. Even when things are good, even when things are the heading in a most beautiful direction, it doesn't even matter.

I feel like I'm just waiting for relapse.
My wrists itch. And I feel like I'm only in a losing battle.

I desperately don't want it to be.
Oh, God, please don't let it be.

I promise I will do whatever I can to win.
I just still can't believe she fucking died.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Academic Lies and Tired Eyes.

I am tired. Really tired. I should be going to bed or packing for Thanksgiving break, but I just got my daily dose of MLIA in. Oh man, I love that. If you have not found that website GO IMMEDIATELY.

They brighten up my day and make my heart smile. I believe they have gotten me through this quarter. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? GO! GO NOW!

Well, if you didn't make it to MLIA and you're still here, thanks. I can't believe I won out over MLIA. Makes me feel special.

Tomorrow I am going with Jezli to my aunt's where we'll dog sit/have the run of a million dollar house all to ourselves. Bomb. Wednesday through Sunday. We're going to cook our own Thanksgiving and go to Black Friday and it's going to be awesome. Well, I'm dragging Jezli to Black Friday, but I need a digital camera, since I've broken both of ours.

Today I found out I got a 24/25 on my chem midterm that I had no sleep when I took it since I had been up for New Moon and helping the girls with Jezli's birthday surprise. I got a couple hours, but not enough to be considered anywhere near a good night's rest. I treated myself to New Moon again later that night. Saw twice in one day! Woohoo! Love it. I hope I see it again before I go home, but I probably shouldn't be spending the money. I will give a full review of it soon. I'll probably see it one more time before I do.

Good night, ladies and gentlemen. I don't think any gentlemen read this, though. Oh well. Good night, gentlemen anyway.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Go Ask Alice.

I've recently been reading this book. It... makes me happy the lowest points of my life were not as bad as hers. Sure, I was so addicted to cutting myself that I couldn't go to sleep without spilling blood and suicide was a constant temptation, but I never was so drugged out I hitchhiked to Denver and then to Oregon and not hahve any idea what I was doing or where I was. Sure, I have done things I'm not proud of with boys, but I never blew a guy to score some pot.
I read for about an hour tonight. I decided after reading that I needed to immediately listen to some worship music. It was a good choice. I just feel better after being so depressed.

I really related to a moment she had though--she decided she wanted to become a psychologist and help teenagers because she knows where they are, the depths they can sink to. It's exactly a moment I've had. I've been through bad divorces, parental abandonment, suicide, depression, not communicating with my mom, revival, regression, and relapse. I want to help people my age. I want them to see there is more to life than this, that it is beautiful and amazing and worth being here every single day, that it doesn't have to be a cycle, monotonous, boring, that it can be joyous and above all else happy.

I want to show people God and everything He blesses you with daily, continuously, constantly.

I fear I cannot do that. I see this ultimate beauty and love my life, no matter how bad it gets. I want others to see this too. I want people to experience the freedom and satisfaction I get from being myself and not giving a damn about what people think. I see people's potential. I see people achieving their dreams, breaking the mold, living their lives the way they want to. But people just don't see that for themselves and no one seems to really want to try to achieve those things. I mean, they do, way down in their hearts of hearts. It's what we all want essentially.

But people just don't do it. I can honestly say I don't achieve my own potential. How do you do that? I think we all see people doing EVERYTHING and we wish we could be them. We never see ourselves as quite complete, quite content, quite perfect the way we are.

I don't know to fix that, except do EVERYTHING.

And here we are, back to the fucking "should" I slave to.

Damn it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Review of Masquerade Ball

The dance was really fun. Good people and good times. Here are the official pros and cons, no offense to Jo or Jezli.

1. It was on a boat.
2. I got to spend a long day and night with the group of people here I love the most--Nathalie, Katie, Kristen, Shirley, Rachel, Josh, Jezli, and Jo.
3. There was DANCING. You guys know how much I love dancing. Remember the Apartment Journey entry?
4. Gambling was fun. I just kept winning. I was betting the maximum amount and I couldn't stop winning. If it had been real money, I would have been a thousand dollars richer.
5. It means all the crap in the apartment is going to be gone soon.
6. There was a particular moment on the dance floor that made me really happy. I'm smiling just thinking about it. You don't get to know though. I'm going to keep it to myself to hold me over through the difficult times that lay ahead.

1. The dj sucked, which made dancing eh.
2. The dance floor was so hot and sweaty and nasty. My hair frizzed instantly, my make-sweated right off my face. I'm pretty sure there was no point in me getting ready at all because I just instantly looked like crap.
3. I couldn't get myself to be within three feet. This makes sense to me. Not to you. But... I'm pretty sure I was just awkward and awful all night and I feel really bad about it. I had a freak out.

And I don't want to have freak-outs. I don't want to be awkward and awful. I just want to be me. So, I'm going to stop making this stuff a big deal. I'm going to start talking to God about this, instead of everyone else. Because, no offense, everyone else doesn't really get it. There are people who are close, but only God really knows. I'm going to stick to what I originally thought about this whole situation and stop worrying. Start looking at reality and not what I've created in my head. I think I might be bored. I usually do this when I'm bored--create drama in my head. But I'm not going to do it. And I've been doing good so far. Hopefully it lasts.

Sorry I'm being vague and cryptic. I'm just sorting some thoughts out. You cannot really know what they are.

Asian class almost out. I think I'm just going to go home and lay in bed and read. I like the sound of that.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

TWLOHA Day- A Day of Love

It started as a random event on Facebook I stumbled upon last year and participated in, in my own quiet way. This year, when I saw the event again on Facebook, I thought I would share it with the people I loved and treasured. I invited every single person in my friends list to the event and was surprised to see as the days went on more and more people sign up to attend. I became more and more excited for the day.

So the day came yesterday and I woke up happy and joyous, simply knowing that today was going to be a big day for TWLOHA and how just maybe one person in the world would find out their not alone in their struggles and there are people all over who understand them.

What today held in store for me was much more than simply knowledge, than a feeling of community, than a hope for others.

Today showered upon me an outpouring of love that almost brought me to tears multiple times throughout the day. People sent me pictures of their arms, love written splendidly all over them, and the most beautiful words of love and encouragement. I literally could not process some of the things my friends were telling me, the love was so overwhelming and affecting.

And I just wanted to share them with you tonight because... these are the people I know and love. These are the people who are there for me no matter what. These are the people who would fight for me. These are the people who would stand with me. These are the people who accept me as I am, who accept each and every scar I have ever made. These are the people who represent the TWLOHA movement, whose goal is love, whose mission is love, whose life is love. And these are the people who show it.

And this is simply the only way I know how to thank them.

So thank you. And know that I would do the same for you, each one of you beautiful souls. You inspire me to be a better person... No, a better me, for you love who I am. Thank you for allowing me to be me, for accepting the person I am, and loving me anyway.

Thank you for being you.

"I love TWLOHA. Not because it's an amazing organization and they put a huge focus on music, but because of what it means to you. I've never struggles with cutting, but the way it helped you is absolutely amazing. I'm so thankful they were able to reach you in a way no one else was able to. I love you so much and am so thankful Jesus placed you in my life. You're so amazing and your life and story are going to affect and change so many people. Have an amazing day."

"Just wanted to let you know that I love love LOVE you so much. I'm so happy that you are in my life and I'm grateful for the amazing time our frienship has brought and will bring in the future. I'm wiriting love on my arm today because I love you!"

"Good morning, Chelsey. I thank God for you every day! I am so blessed to have you" (My mom didn't know it was TWLOHA day, but she just wanted to make my Friday the 13th better. (: )

Thank you everyone so much. There were more words and more arms and more love than this blog could ever hold. But I'm going to leave you with Jamie's, the founder of TWLOHA, words about the day because they capture the very essence that is this wonderous day. Thank you again.

Each week, Lindsay from our team sends an email to the entire TWLOHA team. When we open this email, it's a time to reflect on some of the messages and emails that have come in over the last few days. Some of the messages are heavy and hard to read. Others are full of hope and encouragement. Life is both and everything in between.

Lindsay sends these messages to remind us of our mission, the heart of the matter. Each week, as we read the messages she includes, we're reminded where this started and we're reminded why we do what we do.

Today, "TWLOHA Day", is one that our team didn't come up with. We don't know a lot about it, to be honest - not sure where it came from or how it spread to so many people. But perhaps that's been true for much of our story - we've seen the best of passion and communication. We've seen people share and build something beautiful together.

With today in mind, i want to share one of the messages that Lindsay sent to us yesterday:

"My name is Taylor and I am 22 years old. I have been an addict for the past six years of my life and have been looking at getting into rehab for awhile now. I should be checking in sometime this week I am just waiting for my federal aid to come in. I wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do and being there. I haven't personally ever talked to anyone with your organization but my sister heard about it somehow. My sister is 18 years old and has never used a day in her life. Ever since I started using I haven't been there for her and we kind of live two completely seperate lives. We haven't gotten along. Today my sister picked me up from my house and said she had a surprise for me. We went and got love tattooed on our arms. She has never had a tattoo so this was a big step for her. She started crying, I haven't seen real emotion from my sister in a long long time. She told me what you guys were about and expressed what she has felt about my use and the way I have made her feel. I made a promise to her to stay clean, something I have never said to anyone. Every time I look down at my arm it will remind me of what a commitment my sister has made to me and to helping me stay clean. I just wanted to thank you guys for helping her understand and helping her accept me and not frown upon me. Your organization has really made an impact on both of our lives and I really wanted to express my gratitude.

Thank you so much for what you guys do everyday and what your organization will continue to do for so many people, you guys really do save lifes.

Thank you so much.

All the love and respect in the world."

If you decide to write the word "love" on your arm today, please remember the heart of the matter. The goals were never "cute" or "fashion". Our title, "to write love on her arms", was born as a goal and it remains a goal. We're inviting people to fight for their lives and for the lives of their friends. We're inviting people to believe better things.

If you want to help us spread the word about hope and help, we would be honored. If you want to tell people that they need other people, that every story matters - again, we would be honored. We say these things because we believe them to be true, and because too many people live alone under other lies.

Let's continue to fight to figure out what this word "love" means. Let's aim for how it looks and how it sounds - maybe something like humility and confidence and kindness, maybe honesty and compassion...

We're in all these things together. It's bigger than cute and it's louder than fashion.

Thanks always for your support.
You matter very much.

Jamie and the entire TWLOHA team

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Honestly Have Nothing To Say

Things are going on, happening, moving all around me. And I have nothing to say.
When people from home ask me what's going on in my life, I literally have nothing to say. I don't know why that is either.

Have I taken a backseat in my life? I feel like this year is my busiest yet, but nothing ever seems to be going on.

I have Muirons and love it. It's weird and new and definitely a challenge. I have a great set of friends and we're always doing something amazing. I have a crush, which is challenging and interesting and, more than anything, amounting to nothing. That was a lot of "ing."

But that's just it. Life is very "ing," as in present, occurring, happening right now. In spanish, you don't use the verb tense of "ing" unless you are currently doing it, like I am typing. I guess things just don't feel very "ing."

I don't know.

I probably need sleep.

Help, anyone?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Finally Get It...

I just want a guy who will appreciate how awesome I am.

Because I am freaking awesome.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Boys and Taylor Swift

How can that be a legitimate title? Well, I'm going to wriet about boys and I'm listening to the very best in country-pop (with a little thug rapping on the side), T. Swizzle.

Although I used to listen to Taytay when I was going through the aftermath of the infamous "Winco Incident" and songs such as "White Horse," "Cold As You," "Breathe," and "Perfectly Good Heart" were my most favorites, that masochistic streak her music brought out in me has changed into a happy, smiley, dance-alicious streak that I love to indulge myself in. Because who doesn't want to be dance-alicious?

Anyway, it's probably because I like someone.

Insert huge grin here.
And a little wiggle dance.

But, yeah, you all know my dilemma in this-- 1. He doesn't like me back and 2. I can't date him.

So there's that.

I started this out intending to make a list of things that I would like in my next boyfriend. But I do not really see the point anymore. After everything that happened, I'm not going to let myself pick a bad one next time.

Here that?!? You're going to have to be REAL good.

And you will be really lucky to be the next one. And maybe you'll appreciate it better than the last one.

This was supposed to be happy. It is happy. I'm thinking of whoever he is and knowing he will be a good one. I'm excited to find out who he is. I like him already.

Dreaming about the day when you wake up to find what you've been looking for has been HERE the whole time. If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Stone Skips Across the Surface of A Vast Lake

A stone skips across the surface of a vast, green lake, each bounce exposing unknown worlds, each world with unfathomable depths. The enduring ripples expand rapidly, further revealing the scenes below, still only granting fractionary glances of the realms overwhelming beneath the murky top. Two lovers, entangled with the other, between the sheets of the bridal bed. A black walled bedroom, where a girl sits amidst a scattering of papers, unraveling the story within the written riddle.

The stone leaps wide, moving the important and the unimportant, the history and the future, reality and imagination. It touches worlds unexpected, dividing attention, merging what should and should not be. A vision of heaven, a white celebration of love and fellowship for a Lord most perfect reigning over his chosen children upon a throne most high. A child sitting on the edge of a wooden coffee table, the four legs sinking into the plush blue carpet with the extra burden, between her two parents, mediating their conflict and keeping her small, fragile body between their thrashing, violent arms.

The stone continues, shorter hops now, from place to place, foregoing the usual linear path and forging one of its own. It chooses arbitrarily, randomly, divulging the mundane and the arresting without precedent, inflicting the emotions of the superficial and of the watery graves that the verdant deep hides. A grocery store, list in hand, an overwhelming flood of need to rush, to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing. A boy and girl in car, physical, moving as one without being one, gently pulling away as he softly whispers in her ear, “I don’t love you.”

The night closes over the lake, a drifting, sleepy darkness, and the stone’s movements increasingly minute. Nothing can be seen from the ripples, they themselves becoming invisible. The stone finally stops, sinking upon the last world, falling through it slowly, the details powerful and whole. It is a wedding. The groom, his men, the bridesmaids all stand in front of the altar, the priest smiling as the music swells. The loved ones sitting in the pews stand and turn around. The bride is walking down the aisle, the most beautiful desire in white, with eyes only for the man standing in front of her. She envisions with each step their future together, the better and the worse, the rich and the poor, the sick and the healthy. She feels his love and his adoration and sees in the beaming smile on his face that reaches to light up his eyes that he feels her love and adoration in return.

Their smiles reach to the lake, lighting the black with stars of delight as the stone settles in the lake bed for the night.