Saturday, October 31, 2009
Anyway, I could probably talk about this for awhile, but what I want to talk about is why I like Edward Cullen. It's not any of that. It's the fact that he touches Bella. A lot. That sounds awkward, but let me explain.
If you have never heard of love language, there are five of them-- time, service, words of affirmation, touch, and gifts. Obviously the one I am referencing is touch. I like touch. It's why I give hugs and mess with people's hair as I walk past them and need to cuddle with someone when I am feeling most sad and why the most beautiful love songs are about holding hands. Touch is how I express and receive love. So it may be annoying when I mess up your hair but it's really just me saying I love you. So, I realized as I was listening to the audiobooks that I was most smiley and happy when Edward touched Bella, very simple gestures that speak volumes to me. As Bella is so aware of his touch, she describes each gesture in great emotional detail and I respond to it intensely. And that's what attracts me so to Edward.
In case your wondering, my second love language is words of affirmation. It's why I cannot leave a room without telling my mom or brother I love them and why I need to be told it a lot too. It's one of the reasons I feel like I would be more the Edward in the relationship, constantly needing someone to tell me they love me. But I think overall I would be Bella. She's just who I am in a lot of ways, but that's just how she is written, very identifiable.
Gifts and service and time are three I have not quite figured out yet. Gifts mean a lot to me because I have grown up without a lot of money so when someone spends on me it means a lot, but as I cannot reciprocate as well, it makes me feel off-balanced. Service is really sweet, but sometimes I do not notice things and do not take the time to do service to others. And time is nice. I have come to appreciate time more these days because everyone seems to have so little of it.
One day, I will explain on here why these books mean so much to me. I think few people truly understand that these books came into life just two weeks after I had lived through them. Everyone else thinks I am obsessed, but really I have just never connected with a series more.
Which is why I stopped the audiobooks at chapter three "The End." I cannot bare to listen to someone else's interpretation of something I have experienced for myself.
So I shall read that chapter, hopefully to overprepare myself for the movie so I will not cry. I don't want to cry, but if I do, Chris Weitz, you have done your job.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Not really. Definitely have seen worse.
But today was truly awful.
Despite sleeping in yesterday, missing both of my classes, until 100 in the afternoon, I am absolutely exhasuted tonight and shall be going to bed right after this. It's only 9oopm. I have no idea why I am so tired.
I am annoyed with every person ever right now for any random particular reason.
I'm just fed up.
No one's doing anything tomorrow for Halloween, so I'm going out to Hillcrest alone to explore and whatnot. It sounds exciting. Actually, I might go to Torrey Pines Reserve. I really don't know much about this city that I live in and I want to explore it. Alone.
Yesterday when I woke up, I had a totally fresh outlook on life. After praying and crying to myself the night before, I was like "Yes, some good God time and a cry always works." Now here I am 48 hours later in exactly the same state as before. I think I shall listen to depressing music and wallow in this fatigued and disheartened state.
I did get to talk to my brother for an hour today. It was good. I felt because I was just so tired, but the conversation made me miss him a lot.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Here I sit, typing away. There are probably people looking over my shoulder right now, and if they are they should just mind their own damn business.
Ooh, someone just interrupted the professor with a question. It's the first time I have heard something besides her voice during this class. It is actually way more fun to narrate about the moments in class than to write notes about what she is saying. I did try. I did write like... half a page of notes, but I just really do not care. I'm sorry fellow Asians (no, I'm not Asian, but working my ways towards being one), you would not want to sit and listen to her drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and so forth and on on on on on on on.
Since I should be learning about Asians, I may as well talk about becoming one. I am a white girl, as white as can be. I am so white, I will not read "Stuff White People Like" because I am sure I will like about 85% of everything on that list and that's just not cool. I'm culturally diverse. Not.
Anyrace, my apartment mates and I started a point system for me to become Asian. I currently have 21.6 Asian points out of 100, so I would like to tell you all that
I am 21.6% Asian. Thank you very much.
It's a funny system. I get points sporadically for doing or saying something Asian. They used to minus points, but I decided they couldn't because I am white and you cannot dock someone for being who they are. Plus, I said a joke about Pokemon and everyone thought I was serious. I wasn't, but they minused 10 points. Which was ridiculous. Plus, I only got 1 point for being in this class, which is not enough. Last night I got 5 Asian points though, a big jump for me, when Jezli asked me what she should name her new monster and I said "PACHINKO!" which apparently means "casino" in Japanese or Taiwanese or Vietnamese, I cannot remember, but I had just made it up on the spot. Yeah, that made me really excited. I interrupted Jo's phone conversation in order to tell her.
Asian class ending soon and since I'm pretty much blind and really couldn't care less what race you are, I shall leave you with this...
And that's what I truly believe in.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Taking control of my heartbeat
Taking control of my being
I reach my hand out
Pulling myself closer
On invisible waves of melody
Towards every emotion ever had
Towards my match, my equal
In words and rhythm
Undulating and permanent
They stay with me forever
Undulating and permanent
They stay with me forever.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
I constantly think about wanting a boyfriend/the boy drama I have secretly created in my head and this morning as I drowsily woke up at 1100, I thought to myself
What if Jesus was my boyfriend?
Not in a literal sense. Obviously that cannot be. But, what I mean is this- what if I treated Jesus as I would treat my boyfriend? I want to eventually develop this to how I will treat my husband, but honestly, what I am looking for in a boyfriend, I should find in Jesus- someone to listen to my worries, someone to rely on, someone I can turn to in any situation, someone I can learn from, someone who challenges me to better myself, someone I can look up to, someone who loves me for me. Honestly, who wouldn't want Jesus as their boyfriend?
So, yeah. As I will not allow myself to date the person I want to date, He more than makes up for it. Thank you, Jesus.
P.S. Jesus doesn't freak out if you say "I love you" first.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Mickey's Trick-Or-Treat was really, really fun! I went with Rachel earlier in the day to Disneyland in order to see the special Halloween Space Mountian- Ghost Galaxy. In all honesty, I did not find it very worth it. Yeah... It could be because I was sitting in front and so the things that pop out at you popped out after we'd already kind of passed. I don't know. It was alright. It seemed faster, which was a plus. I expected it to be something with the Disney villains because that's what the keep advertising it, but no.
Oh yeah, God pretty much did not want Rachel and I to get to Disneyland. We had the chance to leave earlier than planned, then we took forever at Rachel's house (twenty-year-old: "Mama, where is my Tinkerbelle costume?" Don't worry, this is exactly why I LOVE YOU, RACHEL!!!), then to try and get the New Moon soundtrack to listen to on the way up, we stopped at a Starbucks so we could use their wi-fi to download it to Rachel's phone. We drove forever around the parking lot until I finally got out of the car to sit there. It was hilarious, but it definitely shows our dedication to the Twilight Saga- we gave up an hour at Disneyland for YOU, Stephenie Meyer! Then we get there, get a locker, put our costumes in for later, then on our way to line, I step on Rachel's shoe and break it. Luckily we had shoes in the locker for our costumes, but it was completely ridiculous. And there was so much traffic going up. FINALLY, we get into Disneyland at 430 in the pm, 3 hours later than we would have been if we had been ready and left at the original time we planned. That's bad.
Then at 630 we changed and got in line for Mickey's Trick-or-Treat and it was fun! We did Midway Madness and California Screamin' with barely any line, got dinner, then got pictures with Cruella De Vil and the Evil Queen from Snow White. We took a whole bunch of pictures inside the Beast's library of me as Belle in there. (Oh yeah, I went as Belle and Rachel ended up being Hermione Granger and a very a good-looking Hermione, if I do say so myself.) Then we met up with Jo as Captain Jack Sparrow, Jezli as Vampire, Shirley as Maid, and Katie as Cinderella. Jezli, Katie, Rachel and I went on Tower of Terror and it was Katie and Jezli's first time! It was so fun going with someone on their first time. It was like seeing it fresh and new, through their eyes. Then we went again on California Screamin' and Midway Madness and they seemed to really like those. Then it was time to go home. We didn't roll into Muir until 200 in the am. I was really tired and slept until 130 in the pm that day.
So, yeah, that was Mickey's Trick-or-Treat.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
I kind of spammed my blog, but it was to talk about TWLOHA and all the good works they are doing right now. But it means someone came, read, and cared.
So, thank you, someone.
On a side note, got my hurr cut yesterday. I'm going to post some not-so-good pictures so you can see that I now have BANGS!! BANG BANGS!! I think they're cool. I'm still getting used to them though.
Here they are.
So, these are my bad pictures of my BANG BANGS.
I did some painting today too. I started them at like 2 in the am last night because I could not fall asleep. Probably because I slept until 1:30 in the pm. I'm really excited. I'll post them after I send them to someones. They're for two different people. One is a prayer and one is just for fun.
Also read a whole chapter of psych. Still need to read for Chem. Yeah.
I'll write about Mickey's Trick-or-Treat soon.
Going to clean my room now. It's a mess. Then I'll wash some dishes hopefully.
Thank you for being here. Your presence is helpful. Good night.
Over one year ago, I got a tattoo on my left wrist. It says "Love" with a little heart coming off the "e." It covers the same wrist I used to cut for almost three years. I cannot begin to describe everything this tattoo represents. It is a small token of my appreciation for the group who is changing lives daily. It is a reminder for me to write love on myself, not the bloody lines of hate. It is a goal I have set for myself, to write love on the arms and hearts of others. It is an account of those I have loved, love, and will love. It is a symbol of God, the creator and very essence of love. It is a mark of hope. It is my life story.
I just want to say that cutting, self-injury, depression, suicide, helplessness, and hurt are very real. They are not something to be ignored. If someone you know is hurting, reach out to them before there's no one to reach out to. Save. Give hope. Write love on their arms.
But I am glad to be here any day.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
We were asked to write a scene using two personal ads as the characters. One is a woman who wants to talk about health care reforms, the other is a gay man. My first scene with them had them being reporters at a Presidential address. I actually really liked it, although it didn't have any depth really.
Then in class, we came up with some odd settings and "surprises" we could use to change the scene. I chose hospital and "one of the characters has a secret." So, my scene goes like this...
Personal Ad #1: ATTRACTIVE AND SUCCESSFUL thirty-something NY woman, tired of dating the boring, boorish, and humorless, seeks intellectually original, conventionally handsome, magnanimous male to dine languidly, laugh incessantly, make love voraciously, and discuss how to advance healthcare reform.
Personal Ad #2: SF BAY AREA—intellectual, professional, handsome 42 y/o gay mensch interested in music and the arts seeks intimacy with a whole-hearted man of wit and integrity.
The hospital room is sterile and white. A man, Personal Ad #2, is hooked up to countless machines, all beeping, whirring, and whizzing as they track his vitals. The man is obviously dying despite looking so young. He is only thirty-two. He wheezes and coughs, as if he has smoked for a hundred lifetimes and this is his final breath. His skin is pale and bruised where the nurses have helped to prop him up. A woman, Personal Ad #1, bursts through the door to his room and angrily clicks her heels across the speckled white linoleum floor. She is all business, wearing a black suit and white blouse with black high heels. She carries a black leather briefcase, which she sets down on the floor near the bed, then scoots the single visitor chair closer to the bed, but far enough away that it is clear this is not a personal visit. She sits down, opens up her briefcase, and takes out a tape recorder, pen, and black and white composition notebook.
Andrea turns on recorder and places it on the bedside table near Evan.
(still rude, but not as much)
(coughs for awhile)
Andrea stops what she is about to say. She looks taken aback at the harsh words coming from the sickly Evan. Her face then goes blank. She looks like she is lost in the depths of her mind. Then she starts crying.
(sputtering through her tears)
Evan is now taken aback. He understands the pain she’s in, remembering losing Andrew and knowing she's scared of the same future she will live through. He internally forgives her former attitude.
(still crying, head down, pausing between sentences)
Evan turns off the tape recorder as she’s crying and reaches out for her hand. She looks up and takes it. Evan squeezes her hand and quickly she’s up and hugging him, crying into his shoulder.
It's late. I'm not tired. I should do some homework, but there have been some things I wanted to write about that made me smile. Not that they're rare these days, but I want to appreciate them.
Thursday when I was at the supermarket, there was a lady wearing this black-and-white suit thing. She was in her forties and very professional looking. But she was wearing these real snazzy PINK high heels. They were bomb. I wanted to tell her her shoes were bomb, but I thought No, it'd just be too weird. So, as I'm doing my shopping I see her all over the store, and my brain or God, sometimes I cannot tell, is like Dude, just tell her. (Does God say "dude?" I bet he does.) And I kept thinking No. Finally, I'm in the tea aisle to get my Arizona Lemon Flavored tea (mmmmmmm...) and she's there, looking at it. I grab my tea, then start walking away, when I turn around and say, "You know, your shoes are fantastic!" And she says "Wow, thanks." or something to that effect. Then she asks me whether or not I like that tea and she's been considering buying it for some time. I told I drank it like water and also recommended the ginsing and honey tea, but to drink it room-temperature. She said thanks and that was that. It was a moment I enjoyed.
Still Thursday, these are two not good things that happened. I was in line to buy my stuff and this tall, super skinny, gorgeous girl gets behind me in line and you would think I would be all awkward because I wasn't wearing make-up and didn't look so hot, but no. She was only buying water and gum. And I thought to myself Thanks for confirming the stereotype.
Then when I left, the Greenpeace chick harassed me and made me feel like crap because I didn't want to save the whales. And I thought to myself I'm walking out of this store without any pastic or paper bags, bringing my bicycle basket all the way here to save a tree. Shut the hell up, dreadlocks.
More on Thursday, I met this freshman on the bus who was from Sweden. We talked during the trip. It was cool. Her name was Anna. She was really pretty, very polite, and I enjoyed talking to her, although I was awkward because I hate small talk, but I got to ask sweet questions about Sweden. It was swede. BAHAHAHAHA. I crack myself up sometimes.
Sunday was the Jason Mraz concert. It was so chill and awesome and just... such an amazing experience. It was all about love and fellowship and there was a smidge of Jesus talk in there. Good quote--
I was thinking about What Would Jesus Do? and I was like... I don't know. I haven't seen him in a long time. But then I thought What Would Love Do? And I realized... it was the same exact thing.
It made me happy. There was lots of high fives to people you didn't know and celebrating with the people you came with and sending love all over the ampitheatre. It was sweet (not swede.)
I think that's about all for the night... morning... whatever. I got an 87.5% on my Psyc midterm. Eh. Not too good. I wish I could have gotten an A. I didn't really put in A effort though. I have come to realize, you just can't do it. Unless your Frenzel, that's about it. I haven't decided between a life, sleep, and A's yet, but I'm trying. It sucks because I haven't even found time for God in that yet, except Monday and Wednesday nights. Need to figure out that one. Pray for me.
Good night, sleep tight, let the vampires bite.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
These are the things that have happened recently:
Wednesday~ I had my first Muirons For Christ meeting. So, of course, I showed up a little late and people were confused about whether or not the meeting was happening, but people showed up. At first, we had three new freshman, plus Kristen, Shirley, Katie, Nathalie (who technically is a new freshman), and Josh. It was really exciting for me to see all those people there and I appreciated everyone's support and... it just made me feel so nice to know people care about this. I was especially surprised that Josh came, but I'm praying this is a good thing and that he will enjoy it. Anyway, one of the freshman asked if we were Catholic and I said no, so she left. Awkward, but I think after that I can just about handle anything... yeah. Then one of the other freshmen left after the games. He said he had an essay, which is understandable, and that he would come back this next week. I'm hoping he does. He seemed super cool. And then, the last freshman, Daniel. Wow. He... is socially awkward, but I have to love him for it. He puts a smile on my face for sure. One of the things he said was that he was looking for was a group of people he could come to in times of need and that he cold be comfortable and himself with. And that is exactly why I wanted Muirons to stay because that's exactly what I want and I hope it is something I can create, for him and for everyone else. So, everyone said it went well. We got about halfway through the lesson, so we'll finish it up next week, which is cool because I feel like I have two weeks to prepare a lesson now, but my goal is to get two done so I'm ahead. People said they'd come back next week, including Josh, and yeah... I'm just pretty happy about it.
Thursday~ Dancing Through The Decades. I went to the store after classes got out and went and bought some vegetarian beans and spanish rice to make dinner for Josh. I figure it's good for me to fake cook and I'll actually try because it's for other people. So I made bean, cheese, and rice burritos. (Moment of silence for El Mercado... I rememebered exactly how they would write that order down. BV.) I think they were good. People ate them. Forgot to buy salsa or anything that would spice them up as that is never something I think of. I need to think of others though if I want to be a good hostess. I was supposed to stay in and watch me some Vampire Diaries (ooh, guilty pleasure) while Jezli and Jo went to Dancing Through The Decades, but they stayed and watched Bones (boo!) and then I ended up going since Emma put on the dance and apparently no one was coming. It ended up being really fun. I enjoyed it alot. I dressed in the usual hippie garb, while Jezli and Jo went 80's. We were pretty much the only ones dressed up. They played Journey though as the last song and the whole room was singing. It was magic.
Friday~ A-Rod, Anberlin, Acid, Arrest, and Andy. Last night was an epic night. Wow. Ok, so I was watching the Yankees v. Twins game with Katie and Nathalie and it was 3-1 Twins, bottom of the ninth. They had one on base and A-Rod was up to bat. I said, "He's going to get a home run, tying the score at 3-3 and they'll go into extra innings." What did the fabulous A-Rod do? He did exactly what I said he would. You know, A-Rod and I are just so in sync, I'm not sure if Kate Hudson is having his baby or I am. We just click, him and I. It's a beautiful relationship. They went into extra innings and Yankees ended up winning. Then, the three of us went to Fall Fest to see Anberlin. Now, I like Anberlin but I've never really listened to them. They were AMAZING live and I was really happy I went. During the show, this guy was definitely "trippin' balls" (Nathalie) and was dancing in this huge circle. We were on the edge of the circle, watching him and the show, because he was doing these crazy tribal bird dance moves and just yelling at everyone to "get their fucking bodies moving" and it was classic. He tried to get people into his dancing, but he kept picking the big guys who only equate "dance" with the old-fashioned definition of "fight." It looked really ugly for a second as one BIG guy started pushing him, almost right into us, but luckily some other guys stopped anything from getting bad. Then, The Game came on and that was boring (ch-chk BANG! PUT YOUR MOTHERF**KIN' HANDS UP), so we left and went to Goody's to get some eats. We were sitting outside when these two guys come runnig up the stairs from Marshall dorms and around the restaurant towards the apartments. Then I look up and see polica car lights flashing all over the buildings and they come up onto the walkway and catch one of the guys while the other one ditches him. They make him sit on the ground for awhile, handcuff him, and take him away. It was like dinner and a show. Amazing. Then, Katie, Nathalie, and I went back to the apartment, where it turns out Shirley gave us her cake because she couldn't eat it. The strawberries were getting moldy so we decided to take a page out of Andy Samberg's book and THROW IT ON THE GROUND. Yup, Nathalie chucked it off our balcony towards the dumpsters and when we went down there to examine it, I slammed it into the ground. It was... wow. I THREW A CAKE ON THE GROUND.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tonight, I was really torn about either going to FOOSH practice or to the Intervarsity Muir Bible Study. Katie and I were supposed to go, but then I was like... I really want to go to FOOSH.
I did not want to let Katie down, plus as I have been looking over some sources for the first lesson for Muirons For Christ, some new ideas have been brought to my attention.
1. When trying something new, if it feels like doors are slamming instead of opening, it's probably not for you.
When I was trying something new with FOOSH, their practice schedule really conflicts with pretty much everything. I had been wanting to try out the IV Muir Bible Study which meets Mondays 8-10. I am leading Muirons Wednesdays 8-10. When is FOOSH? Monday & Wednesdays 8-10. So I could do Muirons and FOOSH, but only be giving half of myself to FOOSH, which I wasn't exactly okay with, but willing to try. Or I could do the two bible studies. I decided to check out IV tonight and really enjoyed it. Love the people and their excitement and their passion for God. So, hence, a decision well made.
2. What we are supposed to focus on in our lives is the people in our lives, not ourselves.
3. You cannot meet a good Christian boy unless you're doing some good Christian things.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Truth is, I am super tired with lots to do tomorrow. Just worried. I don't think anyone will read this in time, but just in case, prayers right now would be nice.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
1. I like dancing!
2. A few days ago, bought some new underwear at Victoria's Secret. One has all these 80's boomboxes on them and they awakwardly say TURN ME ON.
3. Yesterday, I caught up on GLEE with Jezli and it was A-FREAKING-MAZING!
4. Kristen Chenoweth (can anyone say my singing idol??) was guest starring and sang with Matt Morrisson the song "Alone."
5. Jezli promptly downloaded that song and played it on repeat pretty much the rest of the night. Good thing it is, again, A-FREAKING-MAZING! (Obviously not as much as the episode itself. Note the size difference.)
6. After taking my shower, I was going to steal her music as she also has the A-FREAKING-MAZING song "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oates. (Obviously more A-FREAKING-MAZING than "Alone." Note the addition of italics.) But I decided not only to steal her music, but to throw an impromptu dance party as well in order to initiate wearing my new boombox underwear, which are exactly the thing needed for impromptu dance parties, and because (Number One reason here, readers) I like dancing!
7. Jo soon joins the impromptu dance party, which starts in her room and then migrates to the living room, with open curtains and open sliding glass door so anyone walking by can enjoy our greatness.
8. The impromptu dance party covered everything from rap to dance to classic oldies to multiple GLEE songs and so on and so forth until we get to a song Jo really likes called "Pop Goes My Heart" from the movie Music and Lyrics.
9. As Jo had been teaching me how to better my crotch-thrusts, I decided I would be her back-up crotch-thruster in the corner of the living room near the open curtain and open sliding glass door.
10. As Jo has her solo dancing moment and I, with all the seriousness that the art of crotch-thrusting requires, crotch-thrust in the background, someone yells down to us...
"NICE DANCING, LADIES! BUT IT'S QUIET HOURS NOW!"
Both Jo and I run away from the window and fall to the ground, laughing, while Jezli apologizes for us and closes the open curtains and the open sliding glass door.
If YOU were NOT in Apartment Journey last night, YOU will NEVER be able to understand how A-FREAKING-MAZING that moment was (Obviously, that moment was the most A-FREAKING-MAZING thing of the whole list because it includes bold, italics, underline, CAPS LOCK, and very large writing.)