Return of Randomness and Responses to Gratitude

I'm back. For better or for worse, the idea of returning to personal blogging has been on my mind lately. Different things have sparked ideas in my mind to write about, to share with you here. So here I am in the middle of a huge article I need to get done and all the stuff (fun and the not-so fun) that will be happening this weekend, there's been something on my mind I wanted to share with you guys.


Yesterday during my Industrial Psychology class, our professor had us take some time to write down three things we were grateful for, talk with a partner about a positive experience you'd had in the last twenty-four hours, and write a real or imaginary email to say thank you to someone. I didn't share this with anyone in the class. My normal partner wasn't there and everyone around me had friends. It wasn't something I minded because I do like to reflect in a more internal manner.


The three things I wrote down were these:
1. I am grateful for my mom, who likes all the things I like so we can talk about them for hours.
2. I am grateful for not having to go through the whole EEG experiment.
3. I am grateful for sleep, three meals, and a good night to look forward to.


The positive experience I would have shared was the fact that I didn't go through with the EEG experiment. It was supposed to take two hours of my time and in fact only ended up taking a half an hour because the game I was supposed to play crashed. I did have to get my hair nasty soaked though, but didn't have to sit with it for more than 20 minutes after I was released.
Honestly, it's kind of sad that was my positive experience but it gave me  more time to get the things I needed to get done for that day completed and it was really helpful. I left the experiment thanking God for this extra time and indeed I put it to good use.


The email I couldn't necessarily do because I don't have a smart phone nor do I bring my laptop to class. So I decided to send a simple text. I wrote "Thanks for everything you do for me." I couldn't decide who to send it to. My mom would be the obvious choice, but so many names went through my head I decided to send it to all of them. Now, there are those of you who didn't get the text that should have, but I only have so many people I can send a single message to and not a lot of time in class to keep it going and some of you are in a different country. Also my phone was dying. Not great excuses, but I sent my gratitude to those who I knew I needed to send it to in that moment. And  yes, your special thank you was a mass text, but... I couldn't choose and I didn't want to. Because each of you are significant to me and each of you deserve to hear it.
The responses I got back were amazing. There were some that made me tear up, some that surprised me, and some that made me laugh.
A mom who is not my own mom, sent back a message saying that I'm their second daughter and that they love me. It's nice to know that. I actually have two other moms besides my own. I call them and their spouses Mom and Dad. I always feel a little weird doing that. I mean, I love them like my own parents, but they are someone else's parents, and I'm not trying to fill that role. This weekend I came upon an event in my other family that I didn't know if I should be there for as it was a very personal family event. But the entire family included me in it in a way that really touched my heart and eased my worry about intruding on something so personal. I really appreciated it and it meant more to me than any words could say.
My actual mom had been having a bad day that day and the message was really encouraging to her. I always love to send my mom a little Hello or an I love you because it makes me happy to do that. I talk or text my mom every day. I hope that continues forever. Or at least until we can communicate via technological ESP or something. She is everything to me and I love her dearly. I would have sent one to my brother, but he's still phoneless since I washed his phone in my shorts. But yeah, he would have gotten one.
My aunt, who I haven't seen all quarter, wished she could give me a hug in that moment. She knows I've been really stressed and busy this quarter and it's why I haven't seen her already. When I get stressed, I become really introverted and isolated. It's not the best thing, I know, but it's what I do. It's nice to know that, even when I get that way and stop talking to people, they'll still welcome me back with open arms. It's that kind of love that really impresses me.
Of course, the best friend sent me something that made me smile and feel good about myself. It's one thing I find so beautiful about her and our friendship. I've had a lot of friends and best friends in my years and until this lady, I've never felt something so reciprocal. I don't worry about the give and take balance of our relationship, something I worry about constantly with others, because I know she loves me as much as I love her and that she would do as much for me as I would for her. Maybe it's weird to judge a friendship on the equality of it, but we're so equal in almost every way that it's one of the most amazing feelings I've ever experienced. When we became best friends, something inside my heart shifted into place and I felt a calm. This is a relationship I'll have forever because I know it's something we'll both fight for for forever. (For for forever made me laugh.)
There was one particular one that surprised me the most sent by a friend who I actually didn't really know I meant that much to. We're very different, this friend and I, and we go in and out of each other's lives sporadically. However, whenever I am with this person, I always have an amazing time and whenever I talk to this person about deeper things, they always leave me with something to think about. They are truly an amazing person and I am excited to see where they go in life. I hope I am still in a position to do that as time goes on. I treasure this person's friendship, more than most of the friendships I have, because of the limited amount of time we see each other and because of how I feel when I'm with them. They told me they loved me and it shocked me because I just never thought I meant that much. It's not something they say all the time and the fact that they said it to me really touched me. It's something I'll hold onto for quite some time because I'm not sure how much time I have left with them.


These aren't all of them and I don't want to share the details of each response I got, but I will share one with you because it's so classic and so very me and my roommate. In response to my sincere heartfelt mass text of gratitude, Katie responded as such:
"I don't think I can do dinner. We're stuck in our lab and probs won't be done for awhile."


Thanks, Katie.  :)

A Video Blog... In Five Parts

Eat Pray Love Page 208

A recent theological idea has really sparked some intense pondering in me. I know I should put absolutely zero stock in whatever that train wreck Elizabeth Gilbert has to say about religion and God, but she brought forth an idea that I cannot get over, despite discussing it with Stephanie and then her parents as well.

She talks about cherry-picking from religions and how she disagrees with the sentiment of that being wrong--"I think you have every right to cherry-pick when it comes to moving your spirit and finding peace in God... It's the history of mankind's search for holiness. If humanity never evolved in its exploration of the divine, a lot of us would still be worshiping golden Egyptian statues of cats. And this evolution of of religious thinking does involve a fair bit of cherry-picking." I have to say I believe cherry-picking is ok in certain aspects. I believe people, even in Christianity, find God in different ways--nature, music, photography, books, words, meditation, exercise, bungee jumping, fishing, whatever-- and you can search for those ways in other religions. Sometimes, things just work for you better than others and I think God put those in your path to help you reach Him. Why wouldn't He?

I'm sure how I feel about cherry-picking though in other aspects. I definitely don't believe it's ok to cherry-pick what you want for the Bible, especially when arguing about theology. I don't believe it's right at all and I think when people do that it only hurts God and hurts the image of God in others. Not that I'm saying I don't do this, but I don't know if I know the Bible enough to even cherry-pick from it. When I discuss God, I go by feeling, by instinct, and this implicit and childlike faith I have in His existence. I'm unsure about whether or not I'm ok about cherry-picking who God is or who Jesus is only because I'm afraid the somewhere in this post I might do just that. In other words, I don't think it's right but I don't want to condemn myself before I even write it. Guess I already have.

So, here I am going to quote a few things because I had to take a break from writing this and I lost my train of thought. I shall ramble until I find it again.

"The Hopi Indians thought that the world's religions each contained one spiritual thread and that these threads are always seeking each other, wanting to join."

This idea intrigues me greatly. I would love it if all our religions were more interconnected than we actually thought. I think what really gets me about this idea is the fact that it seems to peaceful and harmonious, which I believe is something we need between religions. I don't think there should be conflict between religions. In essence, we're all trying to achieve the same thing. As each religion out there says, their own religion is the only way to attain salvation and that's fine. I believe my way and you can believe yours and we'll encourage each other to the end. I don't think we should be constantly attempting to convert people to one way or another or fighting over who is right. In reality, we'll honestly never truly know until we die.

That's hard for me to say as Christian because I am supposed to say that my way is right. Maybe deep down, I'm unsure over whether or not Jesus purchased my salvation with His blood, but I know I also don't want to give up the possibility that people who believe different things will go to hell. There are some truly good people I know who aren't Christians, but their undeniable goodness is so overwhelming to me, it's unfathomable they would be sent to hell. In all honesty, I have a hard time with concept of heaven and hell at all. I have not read much about what heaven and hell is like in what I have read of the Bible so I don't really have anything to go off of at all except the decision I made long ago, which is that no matter what happens after I die, heaven, hell, nothing, reincarnation, some crazy wake-up Pushing Daisies status, it doesn't matter to me. I do believe God is real and that I am here on Earth for His purposes and that I'll do whatever I can to please Him and live a good life on His earth.

But going back to different religions and what they say about God and salvation, I shall quote the line that has most intrigued me out of this whole page-- "this glimmering idea that God might be bigger than our limited religious doctrines."

NOTE OF WARNING: The following is purely just thought and ideas and talking things through. These are not my official beliefs.

This one line sparked a whole new idea of God for me, one that I'm not putting a ton of faith because again this freaking ridiculous EPL and Elizabeth Gilbert is kind of a religious wack-job, but anyway. I thought of this after thinking about this line for some time-- You know how God communicates to us differently and we all have our different spiritual gifts and things we're destined for, well, what if religions worked in the same way? Like maybe different religions were created by Him to speak to different kinds of people? Some people are made to believe in Christianity, to take that blind leap of faith that Jesus died for our sins and that God is this awesome Holy Dad. Some people were made for rules and rituals and yamakahs and really long holidays. Some people were made to pray east five times a day. And so on and so forth. I mean, just within Christianity alone are a ton of different denominations, ways to seek God, etc. And adding to that idea, before Jesus came along, the Christian God was in fact a Jewish God. So why couldn't the God we proclaim to be infinite actually be infinite?

If you think about it, we've been told many times as Christians not to put God in a box, yet isn't that exactly what Christianity is--a box. We are saying that there is only ONE way to reach God, which is a very small box indeed. What if God was more infinite than one? That thought right there goes entirely against everything Christianity holds dear to itself, but it's a legitimate question I think. In reality, the Bible was written by humans. We could've gotten it wrong. We could've come up with it ourselves. I know those ideas are answered through faith, but it's true. We are human and maybe we limited God. Or maybe God wanted to be limited to speak to a certain group of people. I don't know. I don't really believe in any of this.

However, I do like the idea of infinite God, a truly infinite God. As Stephanie's parents put it, He is infinite yet He placed rules upon Himself when Jesus died upon the cross (paraphrased, not verbatim, and possibly not entirely accurate--I had a lot of questions spilling around in my head when they were talking to me). I can understand that. God put Himself in a box because Jesus was the truth. That is a novel idea to me in this whole in-my-head discussion I've been having about this and it makes sense--God placed Himself in a box when Jesus died for all of our sins.

Hmmmm.... new ideas to think about now.

Anyway, if you've gotten this far without being offended, awesome. I hope I didn't offend anyone or made you think I was an awful, unbelieving "Christian." It wasn't my intention. I love God with all I have and I'm working on bettering it more and more. I think this discussion is a part of that.

In the words of Stephanie, "Don't call me a bad Christian. I'll kill you!"

A Decade Under The Influence

I turned 20 today.

20.

That's a whole new era for me.

20.

It's something entirely different.

I'm not a teenager anymore. I can't necessarily be called a kid anymore. There's no more teen rebellion. No more... I don't know. I mean, quite honestly, there's no way I'm ever going to stop being a kid. If I can be one thing in my life, I hope I'm always a kid. I think deep at heart I'm like a 5 year old little boy. I say boy because tonight in the midst of a very important and philosophical conversation with Chad, Michael, Stephanie, and Amelia (Sorry, Jenna, you left too early) I definitely started talking about poop.

But a whole second decade of my life is gone. I've lived two decades and I'm not sure what I have to show for it. I don't know if I should be writing this after such a long day now at 4:30 in the morning, but sometimes I wonder what I've contributed to the world.

It's difficult to really believe that though considering it took me 45 minutes to go through all of the Facebook birthday messages, videos, blogs, and I've spent pretty much the last 48+ hours in birthday mode with friends and family, which by the way, I love. Definitely using my birthday to my advantage more often next time. But there were these tiny and large message from people I've touched. Sure they saw my birthday on their Home Page or (for my much closer friends) knew about it anyway, but they still took time out to say something to me. How amazing is that. I'm loved. And I know it.

And despite being told countless times today how well I show my love to others, I feel I don't show it enough. Isn't that weird? Sometimes I feel like I need a complete 180 on how I treat people. I need more lessons on love. And I want to take those lessons. So I'm going to take them from the person who knows best about them--God.

I feel like the past two decades of my life have been influenced by things that they shouldn't have been--boys, money, idleness, procrastination-- to name a few. I want this decade to be marked by Him and the love in the relationships I have and will develop. It's a large commitment, but I've supposedly given my life to Him, so why shouldn't I give Him a decade? I want this to be so filled with Him I can't separate this time in my life from Him.

I've already started doing this. Stephanie and I bought the full works of C.S. Lewis and we're reading them together, going over them together, and beginning to talk about our faith together--something we've never done really. We both want this and I think it was a great first step towards a whole new area to our friendship, one I'm really excited about.

So, that is what I wanted to say. I'm living in a decade under the influence of Him. This post was probably no coherent, but I needed to write it before I went to bed. It needed to be written "today." I shall write another with details on the birthday soon.

But thank you to everyone. You each fill my heart so much, it could burst any moment. Thank you to all the people who are exceptionally poignant in my life, to those on the outskirts, and those who've left it for good. You've all made words, phrases, paragraphs, and chapters in my life.

What is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you?

There are two things I can think of--
1. Stephanie sending me letters. That's super nice of her. My mom sends me letters but that's because she has to because she's my mom. Stephanie doesn't though. And it's always pretty damn awesome when you get a letter from your best friend in the mail that usually contains some sort of mix cd or funny inside joke or just the fact that it is always addressed to me by my real name.
2. Katie, Jo, and Jezli living with this year (and now Katie again for signing up for living another year with this crazy biatch). Seriously, no one has to live with me. No one has to SHARE A ROOM WITH ME (Jezli) but they do. And for some reason, they still love me. Even after all the crazy wacked out crap that comes out of my mouth about 95% of the time I am awake. Who knows, maybe even asleep too? They're wonderful ladies and I'm blessed beyond measure for their presence in my life. Putting up with me enough to live with me is seriously one of the nicest, if not the nicest. Although this honor will only be able to be taken over by my future husband who will probably be insane because he chose to commit the rest of his life to me. I feel bad for that guy.

Ask me anything. I dare you.

Happy Mother's Day

In honor of the most amazing mother I know, my absolutely most favorite person (although she is tied with my brother and I cannot nor will not choose between them) in the entire world, I have decided to post the Mother's Day Mix I sent her for Mother's Day. I really want to post more about music on here, since it's something so integral to my life and this seems like the perfect occasion (or it could just be because I have so many things to do I feel the need to abusively procrastinate. Yes, there's that much stuff I need to do that procrastinating at this point is abusive. I feel an all-nighter coming on somewhere. Probably tonight. Anyway...)


THE MOTHER'S DAY MIX (open in new tab to listen along with each description)

"Hey Mama" by The Black Eyed Peas - I chose this one for the beginning because it literally says "Hello, Mama. This that shit that make you groove, Mama." And I thought to myself, what a perfect way to start a mix for my mother on Mother's Day.

"Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus - My mom enjoys this song. She would sing it a lot at home, every time that damn Wal-Mart commercial came on. Then we went to Disneyland and that song was EVERYWHERE there. I finally admitted to it being catchy. I thought I'd add it since she liked it so much.

"Vampire" by Antsy Pants - My mom and I love Twilight. I thought I would give her a song about being vampires because that's something we always do at Disneyland. Let me explain. At the end of the Haunted Mansion, you come up from the ride on one of those moving sidewalk things. We always wait until there's no one on it, then walk up it so it seems like we're moving super fast quite easily, and is therefore reminiscent of the way the bad vampires come in in the movie.

"Full Moon" by The Black Ghosts - The is from the Twilight soundtrack, so another nod to our mutual love of the series, but this is the song in which she thought the beginning was "When the full MOOSE turns white, that's when I'll come home." It's MOON, like the title. We make fun of her every time.

"You And Me" by The Plain White T's - I like this song. It makes me happy. It reminded me of my mom because her and me do make a her and me.

"You've Got A Friend In Me" from Toy Story - This is a tribute to our love for Disney and also to the fact that we will be seeing Toy Story 3 so soon in theatres. It's going to be awesome.

"Always Coca-Cola" by Rochapella - My mom drinks soda like there's no tomorrow. Her favorite is Coca-Cola. I thought she would just enjoy it, like a commercial within my mix.

"Relax (Take It Easy)" by Mika - My mom is such a worrier. And right now, she has a lot to worry about with everything that's going on for our family. I just wanted to give her a reminder to relax and to take it easy. But I change the words to "for there is nothing that we CAN'T do."

"So Much Love" by The Rocket Summer - I added this song because my mom really is such a loving, sacrificing mom. I am so fortunate and lucky to have her. We've had our share of horrendous fights, but I really don't think we'll ever get into that phase again. We've grown a lot since then and our relationship has dramatically changed. It's hard to think that I will not live in the same house with her one day, maybe even in the same town. When I was younger, I wanted more than anything, and now I want more than anything to stay. She's the only person I actually want to talk to everyday when I'm away from home.

"All You Need Is Love" from Across The Universe - I always try my damnedest to get a Beatles song on there. I think my mom needs a special reminder about this though- all you need is love. She's the black sheep of her family, in a way. Both her siblings are very successful financially and we... definitely aren't. I feel she has the need to compensate for that by looking well off. I always try to remind her that it doesn't matter and that all we do need is love. I think deep down she knows, but has a hard time actually living it.

"The Best Day" by Taylor Swift - This song reminds me of my mom because the best days are always spent with her. Never anything special, just being with her makes me happy. It's kind of awkward because it mentions Taylor's dad, which is obviously a person very lacking in my life, but it mentions a little brother, so it's also a shout out to him. (HEADS UP, MICHAEL) I want to learn this song on guitar and rewrite the words so that I can sing it to her one day.

"Grey Street" by Dave Matthews Band - This is our favorite DMB song. We got to hear it live when I took her to the concert this summer and it was seriously one of the best things ever. It was a moment I'll never forget. I added it just as a special little reminder. Also, because we would never tire of hearing this song even if it was played continuously over the next one million years. And we both survived that long.

"Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas - This song is from Meet the Robinson's, one of my favorite Disney movies. It made me cry at the end. This song in the midst of all that familial love was too much for my little emotional heart. It's always stuck with me. But I do believe that those little "wonders" are the most important part of life. They're the ones that will stick around.

"Kind & Generous" by Natalie Merchant - This song is pretty much a thank you to my mom for just being her, so kind and generous. We also both love Natalie Merchant. It's a really beautiful and sincere song. It goes out to everyone I love, but most especially my mom.

"Mama" by The Spice Girls - I sang this once to my mom for Mother's Day many years ago in the throes of my love for the Spice Girls. She cried. I'll never forget that.

"At Least We Made It This Far" by Relient K - This song, almost everything about it, reminds me of my relationship with my mom right now. It's probably a love song, but I don't care. I love my mommy. And at least we have made it this far. There's been a lot to stop us.

"I Hope Tomorrow Is Like Today" by Guster - This song is mostly about the chorus. And because I wanted to give my mom a Guster song.

"Have I Told You Lately" by Van Morrison - This is my family's song. We pretty much hug each other in a big circle and sway while listening to this song. It's become less frequent these days. But it's funny that this is our song, since we can't leave a room without telling each other we love each other. But it is our song. And it makes me miss my mom and brother more than anything in the entire world. I've used it in a mix to Stephanie, but (no offense, Steph), it doesn't carry the same impact.

The Weekend (A Completely Uncreative Title)

I never wrote about last weekend, so I'm going to. I don't think it will be funny, because I am tired and because this seems to be more of a routine "here's my life tah dah!" blog entry. Doesn't that suck for you.

Last week, I was all stressed out trying to plan Jo's surprise party around everyone else's plans and schedules while trying to keep her in the dark and be a part of the man multiple plans that were going on. It was a pretty hectic thing to do. No offense to Jo and if you read this I don't mean to make you feel guilty. But surprise parties are stressful. I will never plan another. Actually, I'll probably do at least one for my future husband because he deserves one before I say never. But I will NOT allow others to make surprise parties for me. I will be extremely difficult and inconvenience them greatly until they give up and are like "Fuck this" and then I can go about planning my own birthday party. This year, I want to do an Alice In Wonderland themed birthday. I have it all planned out in my head. I hope other people will want to do it too and won't bail out on me like The Office party, which I was totally ready for and will attempt to do again soon. I need to find more friends who like theme parties. Stephanie does and good thing she's my best friend because that'll be helpful in the long run.

Anyway, Jo's party ended up being a success. Emma did A LOT of work making it happen and I did a lot of the behind the scenes stuff. Katie was a very excellent helper lady and I'm glad she was there to help me calm down about the rival party. I won't get into that, but I did get kind of upset about the whole thing and then that made me competitive and then I decided to usurp it and create my own. I'm a bad friend of a friend.

Date Night was a very cute movie and I was really glad I got to see it with a whole bunch of people I love. I want to see it with Stephanie because I know there was a lot of things in it we would have liked.

The next morning, bright and early, was the 5K. Woo hoo. Remember that blog I was writing about my journey to the 5K and how I was preparing for it? Well, that died, along with my training. I didn't do so well in that department. I realize a lot of things about myself though through not preparing for the 5K, which sounds screwy but it makes sense in my head and I'll save it for a later post.

I ended doing pretty well for me. I ran it in 32:15, which is only forty-five seconds off my first 5K back when I was in Cross Country, so I'm proud of that. I didn't walk at all. Not once, which was my goal. It was really hard for me to let people pass. I kept thinking 'I'm losing points, I'm losing points' which is how it goes in XC, but I reminded myself very well that it's not about racing others, it was about racing myself. I didn't do it in my ideal time, but I did finish and I didn't walk so I am FUCKING PROUD if I do say so myself.

Everyone else did super well as well, but according to the little percentage things that make no sense, none of us should be running ever. That's stupid. Because we all did KICK ASS and yes, we did so KICK ASS it deserves all caps.

Then afterwards I got really sick and nauseay, so I slept a lot and complained a lot and did nothing for the rest of Sunday. Not a stitch of homework, which is why this weekend is going to be a (hopefully) total work weekend. If not, I don't really care anyway.

It's Spring Quarter. I'm supposed to be ditching these craptastic classes for the beach. Which I think I might just do on Saturday. Maybe all those stupid little bugs died?

Good night.

Fun, Family, Back, Break-ups

This will be short as I want a 15 minute nap before I go out to lunch with my fambam for the last time before they leave SD.

I had fun with them at Disneyland. I will talk more in detail about it later, but I will say I am very sad to see my annual pass expire with absolutely no money to renew it for another year.

I love, love, love spending time with my mother and brother more than anyone else in the entire world and I realize this more and more when I am with them. It's probably why I only saw Stephanie, Amelia, and Andrew this spring break. I apologize for not making enough time for everyone (Ashtyn, I really do love you!) or for not spending enough time with certain people . I wish I could have. A week is not enough for a break, especially when two days are travel and I desperately want to sleep/never leave the house because I am so tired from finals and the only people who can handle me like that is my family, only because they have to.

I'm back from Disneyland at UCSD now, have been actually for a bit, since Tuesday officially, but life has been one major stress ball and I haven't gotten anything done at all. I need to work, but now I am definitely getting sick (no sleep + week of fast food = no bueno) and I'm tired and I just want to sleep and never wake-up, but that'll have to wait until after my radio show tonight, which I will be attending yay! Sorry, Jezli, for missing last week's. I love you and thank you for putting up with my hugely irresponsible self for this week's show.

Break-ups, not for me, but for someone else, and I'm kind of wondering WTH. But boy I like is back on the market. Thanks to a smidgen of hopeful Facebook stalking I found this out. I'm kind of happy. I do feel bad for him though. I hope it wasn't bad or anything. Hopefully it was like "Eh? Nay." and so simple and quick. But mostly, I am confused.

Ok, It's Alright With Me

Ok, so... many different emotions flowing through right now.

First of all, EXHILARATION because the ECLIPSE TRAILER IS OUT! AAAAAH!

I am so excited. The first line is the movie rendition of one of my favorite lines in the entire saga. And they're so close and it's getting closer to my favorite parts and I'm just excited. PLUS, Stephanie, the bestest person ever, and I are planning to go to the premiere so I can finally look upon the face of beauty in person. Insert audible sighs, outrageous giggles, and the weirdest noises ever right here.

Second of all, the boy I like, not any of my "boyfriends" or ER kid or my Out-Of-Reach-Object-Of-Affection or anyone else, the boy real boy I have liked for about a year now-- has a girlfriend. And what sucks is... we're similar. Well, at least according to Facebook. But like... ergh! What does she have that I don't? So, to all of you out there who were really pulling for us, who concluded that since he is an amazing guy who has done some pretty amazing things for me he must like me, it is over. Officially, I have to move on. And what makes me even more sad is that, we're probably not going to be friends anymore. I know it's a day and age where people can have girl friends and boy friends (note the spaces), but I can't do that when he has a girlfriend (note the absence of a space). I didn't hang out with Blake when he and Stephanie were dating and I'm not going to do it now. It's weird hanging out alone with a guy when you know he has someone else.

I guess, good-bye, you.

But good thing the trailer came out because now I have that to

1. Distract me from my studies.
2. Distract me from pain.
3. Make me smile.

And with that, I leave you... Eclipse.

Surveying The Land

Hi, my name is.....
Bells.
Never in my life have I...
arrested for being high on crack and driving a stolen golf cart.
The one person who can drive me nuts is...
Anyone featured in a reality show.
High school...
was unnecessary torture.
When I'm nervous...
I laugh.
The last time I cried was...
this morning when I woke because of a sad dream.
If I were to get married right now my wedding would be...
online.
My hair is...
my favorite part of my physical appearance.
When I was 7...
everything happened to me.
Last Christmas...
was spent at Disneyland.
I should be...
doing everything else.
When I look down I see...
my vagina.
The craziest recent event was...
the FOOSH versus Iota Eta Pi show.
If I were a character on Friends I'd be...
Monica.
By this time, next year...
I hope to be in a better spot in life.
My current gripe is...
my extreme lack of motivation. Ever since the noose, I've lost it.
I have a hard time understanding...
why I do stupid things.
There's this girl I know who...
and she's listening to music.
You know I like you when...
I don't tell you I don't like you.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be...
my mama.
Take my advice...
PULL THE PLUG!
My most wanted wish is...
a good husband.
If you visited the place I was born...
you would want to get the hell out of there.
I plan to visit...
New York City.
If you spend the night at my house...
we can play Barbies and board games and paint each other's nails and... and... and...
I'd stop my wedding if...
it was not with the one I'm supposed to be with.
The world could do without...
reality television.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than...
watch reality television.
Most recent thing I've bought myself...
the Guster cd.
Most recent thing someone else bought me...
a Vagina Monologue ticket.
My favorite blonde is...
Stephanie.
My favorite brunette is...
myself.
My favorite redhead is..
Rupert Grint.
My middle name is...
Rose
This morning I...
woke up to the saddest dream.
The animals I would like to see flying besides birds are...
dinosaurs.
I'm eating....
Cheez-Its.
Last night I was...
really hyper and screaming at random strangers.
There's this guy I know who...
he's out of my league.
I don't know...
why I am wasting my time.
A better name for me would be...
Crazypants.
Tomorrow I am...
finishing up homework.
My birthday is...
almost a spectacular event.

These Stories Are Ringing In My Ears

We critiqued two stories in my fiction class yesterday. One of them was really interesting, about a guy who immersed fantasy and memory into his reality as he misses his ex-girlfriend. I thought it was really amazing. I love the feeling certain stories give me and this kid, the one I'm stalking to Espresso Roma (No, I'm not really stalking. I'm just finding him to be interesting from a distance and don't really have the nerve to tell him in person or in a way that's less creepy. How do you tell someone they're interesting to you when you know nothing about them and not be creepy? I'd rather be creepy from a distance.) Anyway, it was good. Reminded me a lot of the... I want to call them The Blake Years but damn it if I have to say his name all the time.

What shall I call them then? "A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet" and by any other name, that period of my life would still suck.

I don't want to call them The Blake Years because in fact, I don't want him to ever read this or for me to say this out loud in front of him because I really don't want to hurt him. In reality, I really want nothing to do with him anymore. Not in a bad way, just... we can't be friends, we're not more than friends, we're that awkward too much history. I said this to Stephanie- (well, I typed it out and it felt too personal to say, especially when I know certain readers do not have the full story, so ask me in person if you really want to know.) But it's true. It is too hard and I don't have what it takes to make our relationship/friendship/awkwarship anything. Therefore, no Blake, no Blake Years, just... the years I wasted. The years I wasted yet learned so much. Too long. Acronym?

The second story was about a girl Carmen who had a lot of family baggage and she has these mysterious to the reader scars all over her stomach. Turns out, she's a cutter, which none of us ever guessed during workshop. Espresso Roma Kid (ERK from here on out) asked why it wasn't on the wrists, and she said because the stomach was easier to hide. Then ERK was like "Oh good, so it's not like for attention" and then the workshop ended with everyone making slights about people who cut, like they listen to this certain band and dress this way and have razorblades just chilling in their bathroom all the time.

I've said it on here before and those who know me know this, I used to have a problem with cutting from eighth grade through sophomore year of high school. And if you've read some of my more depressing blogs on here, they usually have to do with a fear of relapsing. And it always hurts me so much when people make fun of self-injury. It's not funny. It's not something that only affects "emo" or "goth" kids. I haven't changed much in the way of looks and apparel and outward demeanor. Would you count me as an emo or goth kid? Would you look at me and say she cuts herself? Probably not. So why in the fuck do people have to always assume that? It pisses me off to no end.

I've had people make fun of me, not only behind my back, but to my face about cutting. People I trusted and loved tear me apart because of something that I couldn't help, something I was literally addicted to. I know their words and laughter hurts, and it's not what anyone dealing with self-injury needs.

I just hope if anyone can read this and be more aware then I did my part. If you ever want to know more about this, don't hesitate to ask me. It's a part of my past and made me who I am today. I'm not ashamed and would more than willing to share my experience with you. But please think about your words when you talk about this. You never know if the girl with the smiles plastered all over her face is actually hiding her pain beneath them.

You never really know.

http://www.twloha.com/

I'm Blog-alicious.

Wow, so many of my friends have blogs. And I like it. It's really interesting to see that even when I LIVE with some of these people there are still parts of their lives that I'll never see or know about. But blogging makes that much less severe, so thank you everyone for pouring yourselves out on the internet for my personal pleasure of reading. Not really, but I like seeing these hidden moments in the lives of the people I love.

Speaking of seeing hidden moments of other people, I sufficiently stalked this kid in my writing class until the point where I found his music on myspace. Get this jazz?? He's pretty damn good. And his voice is so much more less annoying when he sings. He's playing a show this Monday at Espresso Roma at 8 and I think I'm going to go stalk him there too because I want to hear him live.

I'm super tired and apathetic to life this week, although I'm not exactly sure why. I'm still probably recovering from last week and I'm catching whatever Katie gave to me. That jerk! I need to be working on my story, but I just don't have the gumption at all. I pretty much just sat around and read today and baked some cupcakes for Muirons, which unfortunately no one showed up to again this week. Oh well, still have a lesson that I can do for next week.

A Few Times I've Been Around That Track

Ah! I got so off track with life these past couple of weeks. I've had midterms every week since third week and it's been so consuming. I'm glad it's over! One week off and then one more midterm, then finals are just around the corner, then HOME! Woot! I cannot wait until I go home. I'm so excited to see my mom and my brother, Stephanie, Andrew, Amelia, and Ashtyn. Lots of A'sssssss.

I've totally been playing dodgeball. Our team is so bad ass! And I've been getting to know our HA's Michelle and J.R. better. They are so freaking amazing. I love spending Thursday nights with them and the rest of the dodgeball team. Speaking of, Potter was on our team this week and I freaking died. I'm pretty sure he knows me as "that one girl whose really obsessed with me from T-House." Oh well! I've decided he's my new Unattainable Object of Affection because I found out my current, now ex I guess, Unattainable Object of Affection is GAY!! I'm not talking that one specific person, but my cute little half-asian piece of hilarity Jared. He's gay. J.R. double confirmed it by saying "He has a boo!" A BOO! AAAAAH! It was so hard watching him in Foosh; my heart was breaking and aching all over the place. He's beautiful. But now he is SUPER Unattainable Object of Affection, so Potter it is. He's single and straight too, perfectly acceptable to drool over him and his Half Blood Prince of Dodgeball skills.

I saw that particular someone on Thursday. Totally ran into him coming around a corner. I was like REALLY! TODAY OF ALL DAYS! I wasn't wearing any make-up. I hadn't showered. My hair was all up and awful. It was the only day all week I hadn't at least looked presentable because that was the day of my midterm and I had pretty much pulled an all-nighter. Let's add to this equation-- I had just taken a poop and I was holding a HUGE (huge to me, but I guess it was only a medium) and an onion ring. There I was gross and unhealthy in front of Mr. Always Good Looking and Vegetarian Super Health Man. He was like "How are you doing?" And I was like "Not so well. You can tell by my very large soda I shall be running on solely caffeine today." And he made me feel better because he said he had only gotten two hours of sleep and had had a lot of espresso. So I didn't feel so bad for being so gross. But I haven't seen him in weeks and I wish that THAT wasn't the day. Damn it.

What else is going on? I applied to I-House. Woohoo! The whole apartment did. I'm really actually kind of excited about it. I looked more and more into what kind of programs they offer and they seem legit. We're all pretty excited about it, but we're going to have to see what happens.

I haven't ran in a LONG time. Actualy, I ran like... two Mondays ago about two miles around Campus Loop. Not the best idea as I hadn't run for over a week. So it's been about three weeks since I've really ran. I think I'm giving up on the 5k blog... maybe I won't. I need to get back into my groove. Obviously staying up until freaking... all hours of the night isn't good for wanting to ge up early in the morning to do things, so with that little self-guilt trip, I'm going to bed now.

I love you all! Good night, my dearies!

GRATUITOUS AMOUNTS OF GRATITUDE

I want to thank those people who read my work and told me how they felt about it. It means so much to me that I don't know what to say...

Usually, when I sit with a pen in hand or with hands poised above a keyboard, the words come to me. I cannot verbally articulate myself for the life of me, but writing has always been easy-- to bad it's taken me nineteen years to figure that out.

But this time is different. You, the beautiful people out there, have left me speechless, wordless, unable to move my hands across these keys in a way that would truly convey how endlessly thankful I am for your support and love and time. Man, you guys took time to read my simple short stories, even my dilapidated and mostly depressing blog entries, and that means incredible time to me as I know how precious time is.

Thank you for the tears, the texts, the questions, the comments.

You are my world. You are what I live for each and every day.
Thank you for being that.

January Books

I am currently in a little friendly competition with Stephanie over who can read the most books (in pages) over the course of the year. I noticed she's keeping track on here and I shall as well at the end of each month so we can compare as to how we are doing.

This month I read--

Splendor by Anna Godbersen
391 pages

The Vampire Diaries:
The Awakening/The Struggle
492 pages

The Vampire Diaries
The Fury/Dark Reunion
520 pages

Anthem
Ayn Rand
90 pages

For a grand total this month (not including the countless textbook chapters and short stories for classes which should count since it's a lot and take up most of my time): 1493 pages

Gooooooo ME!