Monday, December 14, 2009

Interpreter of Maladies (Old but Now Posting)

I read this book for Asian lierature, Interpreter of Maladies, and many of the stories in it had problematic marriages as a big source of conflict. It seemed as if all the marriages that blossomed because two people were in love with each other were now crumbling because they were now "out of love." The one marriage that ended up working was the one that had been arranged in India while the man lived in the United States.

Is that what I am to look forward to if I marry the person I am passionate for? Eventually falling out of love with my husband? From expereience, I know you can move forward from love. Does that mean I should settle for someone I am simply compatible with, someone I can learn to love and respect, but never truly feel passionate for?

The book really resonated a sadness within me.

But I will refuse to let it get me down. I know that I can be in a marriage that passion lasts in. It doesn't have to be lifeless or loveless. It can work.

At least, I hope so.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Because the last post was depressing.

Thursday, November 26, 2009


She died.

I cannot believe after all of the progress and beauty and everything, that she just dies in the end.

I honestly cannot even possibly consider she chose that. I cannot see her that way. After everything was becoming so... good. And then, it's just over.

After everything, she dies.

It scares the shit out of me. No matter what, no matter how I can change the way I think or how strong I think I am, that it could not even matter in the end. Even when things are good, even when things are the heading in a most beautiful direction, it doesn't even matter.

I feel like I'm just waiting for relapse.
My wrists itch. And I feel like I'm only in a losing battle.

I desperately don't want it to be.
Oh, God, please don't let it be.

I promise I will do whatever I can to win.
I just still can't believe she fucking died.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Academic Lies and Tired Eyes.

I am tired. Really tired. I should be going to bed or packing for Thanksgiving break, but I just got my daily dose of MLIA in. Oh man, I love that. If you have not found that website GO IMMEDIATELY.

They brighten up my day and make my heart smile. I believe they have gotten me through this quarter. WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS? GO! GO NOW!

Well, if you didn't make it to MLIA and you're still here, thanks. I can't believe I won out over MLIA. Makes me feel special.

Tomorrow I am going with Jezli to my aunt's where we'll dog sit/have the run of a million dollar house all to ourselves. Bomb. Wednesday through Sunday. We're going to cook our own Thanksgiving and go to Black Friday and it's going to be awesome. Well, I'm dragging Jezli to Black Friday, but I need a digital camera, since I've broken both of ours.

Today I found out I got a 24/25 on my chem midterm that I had no sleep when I took it since I had been up for New Moon and helping the girls with Jezli's birthday surprise. I got a couple hours, but not enough to be considered anywhere near a good night's rest. I treated myself to New Moon again later that night. Saw twice in one day! Woohoo! Love it. I hope I see it again before I go home, but I probably shouldn't be spending the money. I will give a full review of it soon. I'll probably see it one more time before I do.

Good night, ladies and gentlemen. I don't think any gentlemen read this, though. Oh well. Good night, gentlemen anyway.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Go Ask Alice.

I've recently been reading this book. It... makes me happy the lowest points of my life were not as bad as hers. Sure, I was so addicted to cutting myself that I couldn't go to sleep without spilling blood and suicide was a constant temptation, but I never was so drugged out I hitchhiked to Denver and then to Oregon and not hahve any idea what I was doing or where I was. Sure, I have done things I'm not proud of with boys, but I never blew a guy to score some pot.
I read for about an hour tonight. I decided after reading that I needed to immediately listen to some worship music. It was a good choice. I just feel better after being so depressed.

I really related to a moment she had though--she decided she wanted to become a psychologist and help teenagers because she knows where they are, the depths they can sink to. It's exactly a moment I've had. I've been through bad divorces, parental abandonment, suicide, depression, not communicating with my mom, revival, regression, and relapse. I want to help people my age. I want them to see there is more to life than this, that it is beautiful and amazing and worth being here every single day, that it doesn't have to be a cycle, monotonous, boring, that it can be joyous and above all else happy.

I want to show people God and everything He blesses you with daily, continuously, constantly.

I fear I cannot do that. I see this ultimate beauty and love my life, no matter how bad it gets. I want others to see this too. I want people to experience the freedom and satisfaction I get from being myself and not giving a damn about what people think. I see people's potential. I see people achieving their dreams, breaking the mold, living their lives the way they want to. But people just don't see that for themselves and no one seems to really want to try to achieve those things. I mean, they do, way down in their hearts of hearts. It's what we all want essentially.

But people just don't do it. I can honestly say I don't achieve my own potential. How do you do that? I think we all see people doing EVERYTHING and we wish we could be them. We never see ourselves as quite complete, quite content, quite perfect the way we are.

I don't know to fix that, except do EVERYTHING.

And here we are, back to the fucking "should" I slave to.

Damn it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Review of Masquerade Ball

The dance was really fun. Good people and good times. Here are the official pros and cons, no offense to Jo or Jezli.

1. It was on a boat.
2. I got to spend a long day and night with the group of people here I love the most--Nathalie, Katie, Kristen, Shirley, Rachel, Josh, Jezli, and Jo.
3. There was DANCING. You guys know how much I love dancing. Remember the Apartment Journey entry?
4. Gambling was fun. I just kept winning. I was betting the maximum amount and I couldn't stop winning. If it had been real money, I would have been a thousand dollars richer.
5. It means all the crap in the apartment is going to be gone soon.
6. There was a particular moment on the dance floor that made me really happy. I'm smiling just thinking about it. You don't get to know though. I'm going to keep it to myself to hold me over through the difficult times that lay ahead.

1. The dj sucked, which made dancing eh.
2. The dance floor was so hot and sweaty and nasty. My hair frizzed instantly, my make-sweated right off my face. I'm pretty sure there was no point in me getting ready at all because I just instantly looked like crap.
3. I couldn't get myself to be within three feet. This makes sense to me. Not to you. But... I'm pretty sure I was just awkward and awful all night and I feel really bad about it. I had a freak out.

And I don't want to have freak-outs. I don't want to be awkward and awful. I just want to be me. So, I'm going to stop making this stuff a big deal. I'm going to start talking to God about this, instead of everyone else. Because, no offense, everyone else doesn't really get it. There are people who are close, but only God really knows. I'm going to stick to what I originally thought about this whole situation and stop worrying. Start looking at reality and not what I've created in my head. I think I might be bored. I usually do this when I'm bored--create drama in my head. But I'm not going to do it. And I've been doing good so far. Hopefully it lasts.

Sorry I'm being vague and cryptic. I'm just sorting some thoughts out. You cannot really know what they are.

Asian class almost out. I think I'm just going to go home and lay in bed and read. I like the sound of that.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

TWLOHA Day- A Day of Love

It started as a random event on Facebook I stumbled upon last year and participated in, in my own quiet way. This year, when I saw the event again on Facebook, I thought I would share it with the people I loved and treasured. I invited every single person in my friends list to the event and was surprised to see as the days went on more and more people sign up to attend. I became more and more excited for the day.

So the day came yesterday and I woke up happy and joyous, simply knowing that today was going to be a big day for TWLOHA and how just maybe one person in the world would find out their not alone in their struggles and there are people all over who understand them.

What today held in store for me was much more than simply knowledge, than a feeling of community, than a hope for others.

Today showered upon me an outpouring of love that almost brought me to tears multiple times throughout the day. People sent me pictures of their arms, love written splendidly all over them, and the most beautiful words of love and encouragement. I literally could not process some of the things my friends were telling me, the love was so overwhelming and affecting.

And I just wanted to share them with you tonight because... these are the people I know and love. These are the people who are there for me no matter what. These are the people who would fight for me. These are the people who would stand with me. These are the people who accept me as I am, who accept each and every scar I have ever made. These are the people who represent the TWLOHA movement, whose goal is love, whose mission is love, whose life is love. And these are the people who show it.

And this is simply the only way I know how to thank them.

So thank you. And know that I would do the same for you, each one of you beautiful souls. You inspire me to be a better person... No, a better me, for you love who I am. Thank you for allowing me to be me, for accepting the person I am, and loving me anyway.

Thank you for being you.

"I love TWLOHA. Not because it's an amazing organization and they put a huge focus on music, but because of what it means to you. I've never struggles with cutting, but the way it helped you is absolutely amazing. I'm so thankful they were able to reach you in a way no one else was able to. I love you so much and am so thankful Jesus placed you in my life. You're so amazing and your life and story are going to affect and change so many people. Have an amazing day."

"Just wanted to let you know that I love love LOVE you so much. I'm so happy that you are in my life and I'm grateful for the amazing time our frienship has brought and will bring in the future. I'm wiriting love on my arm today because I love you!"

"Good morning, Chelsey. I thank God for you every day! I am so blessed to have you" (My mom didn't know it was TWLOHA day, but she just wanted to make my Friday the 13th better. (: )

Thank you everyone so much. There were more words and more arms and more love than this blog could ever hold. But I'm going to leave you with Jamie's, the founder of TWLOHA, words about the day because they capture the very essence that is this wonderous day. Thank you again.

Each week, Lindsay from our team sends an email to the entire TWLOHA team. When we open this email, it's a time to reflect on some of the messages and emails that have come in over the last few days. Some of the messages are heavy and hard to read. Others are full of hope and encouragement. Life is both and everything in between.

Lindsay sends these messages to remind us of our mission, the heart of the matter. Each week, as we read the messages she includes, we're reminded where this started and we're reminded why we do what we do.

Today, "TWLOHA Day", is one that our team didn't come up with. We don't know a lot about it, to be honest - not sure where it came from or how it spread to so many people. But perhaps that's been true for much of our story - we've seen the best of passion and communication. We've seen people share and build something beautiful together.

With today in mind, i want to share one of the messages that Lindsay sent to us yesterday:

"My name is Taylor and I am 22 years old. I have been an addict for the past six years of my life and have been looking at getting into rehab for awhile now. I should be checking in sometime this week I am just waiting for my federal aid to come in. I wanted to thank you guys for doing what you do and being there. I haven't personally ever talked to anyone with your organization but my sister heard about it somehow. My sister is 18 years old and has never used a day in her life. Ever since I started using I haven't been there for her and we kind of live two completely seperate lives. We haven't gotten along. Today my sister picked me up from my house and said she had a surprise for me. We went and got love tattooed on our arms. She has never had a tattoo so this was a big step for her. She started crying, I haven't seen real emotion from my sister in a long long time. She told me what you guys were about and expressed what she has felt about my use and the way I have made her feel. I made a promise to her to stay clean, something I have never said to anyone. Every time I look down at my arm it will remind me of what a commitment my sister has made to me and to helping me stay clean. I just wanted to thank you guys for helping her understand and helping her accept me and not frown upon me. Your organization has really made an impact on both of our lives and I really wanted to express my gratitude.

Thank you so much for what you guys do everyday and what your organization will continue to do for so many people, you guys really do save lifes.

Thank you so much.

All the love and respect in the world."

If you decide to write the word "love" on your arm today, please remember the heart of the matter. The goals were never "cute" or "fashion". Our title, "to write love on her arms", was born as a goal and it remains a goal. We're inviting people to fight for their lives and for the lives of their friends. We're inviting people to believe better things.

If you want to help us spread the word about hope and help, we would be honored. If you want to tell people that they need other people, that every story matters - again, we would be honored. We say these things because we believe them to be true, and because too many people live alone under other lies.

Let's continue to fight to figure out what this word "love" means. Let's aim for how it looks and how it sounds - maybe something like humility and confidence and kindness, maybe honesty and compassion...

We're in all these things together. It's bigger than cute and it's louder than fashion.

Thanks always for your support.
You matter very much.

Jamie and the entire TWLOHA team

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Honestly Have Nothing To Say

Things are going on, happening, moving all around me. And I have nothing to say.
When people from home ask me what's going on in my life, I literally have nothing to say. I don't know why that is either.

Have I taken a backseat in my life? I feel like this year is my busiest yet, but nothing ever seems to be going on.

I have Muirons and love it. It's weird and new and definitely a challenge. I have a great set of friends and we're always doing something amazing. I have a crush, which is challenging and interesting and, more than anything, amounting to nothing. That was a lot of "ing."

But that's just it. Life is very "ing," as in present, occurring, happening right now. In spanish, you don't use the verb tense of "ing" unless you are currently doing it, like I am typing. I guess things just don't feel very "ing."

I don't know.

I probably need sleep.

Help, anyone?

Saturday, November 7, 2009

I Finally Get It...

I just want a guy who will appreciate how awesome I am.

Because I am freaking awesome.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Boys and Taylor Swift

How can that be a legitimate title? Well, I'm going to wriet about boys and I'm listening to the very best in country-pop (with a little thug rapping on the side), T. Swizzle.

Although I used to listen to Taytay when I was going through the aftermath of the infamous "Winco Incident" and songs such as "White Horse," "Cold As You," "Breathe," and "Perfectly Good Heart" were my most favorites, that masochistic streak her music brought out in me has changed into a happy, smiley, dance-alicious streak that I love to indulge myself in. Because who doesn't want to be dance-alicious?

Anyway, it's probably because I like someone.

Insert huge grin here.
And a little wiggle dance.

But, yeah, you all know my dilemma in this-- 1. He doesn't like me back and 2. I can't date him.

So there's that.

I started this out intending to make a list of things that I would like in my next boyfriend. But I do not really see the point anymore. After everything that happened, I'm not going to let myself pick a bad one next time.

Here that?!? You're going to have to be REAL good.

And you will be really lucky to be the next one. And maybe you'll appreciate it better than the last one.

This was supposed to be happy. It is happy. I'm thinking of whoever he is and knowing he will be a good one. I'm excited to find out who he is. I like him already.

Dreaming about the day when you wake up to find what you've been looking for has been HERE the whole time. If you could see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along, so why can't you see? You belong with me!!

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Stone Skips Across the Surface of A Vast Lake

A stone skips across the surface of a vast, green lake, each bounce exposing unknown worlds, each world with unfathomable depths. The enduring ripples expand rapidly, further revealing the scenes below, still only granting fractionary glances of the realms overwhelming beneath the murky top. Two lovers, entangled with the other, between the sheets of the bridal bed. A black walled bedroom, where a girl sits amidst a scattering of papers, unraveling the story within the written riddle.

The stone leaps wide, moving the important and the unimportant, the history and the future, reality and imagination. It touches worlds unexpected, dividing attention, merging what should and should not be. A vision of heaven, a white celebration of love and fellowship for a Lord most perfect reigning over his chosen children upon a throne most high. A child sitting on the edge of a wooden coffee table, the four legs sinking into the plush blue carpet with the extra burden, between her two parents, mediating their conflict and keeping her small, fragile body between their thrashing, violent arms.

The stone continues, shorter hops now, from place to place, foregoing the usual linear path and forging one of its own. It chooses arbitrarily, randomly, divulging the mundane and the arresting without precedent, inflicting the emotions of the superficial and of the watery graves that the verdant deep hides. A grocery store, list in hand, an overwhelming flood of need to rush, to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing, to get to the next thing. A boy and girl in car, physical, moving as one without being one, gently pulling away as he softly whispers in her ear, “I don’t love you.”

The night closes over the lake, a drifting, sleepy darkness, and the stone’s movements increasingly minute. Nothing can be seen from the ripples, they themselves becoming invisible. The stone finally stops, sinking upon the last world, falling through it slowly, the details powerful and whole. It is a wedding. The groom, his men, the bridesmaids all stand in front of the altar, the priest smiling as the music swells. The loved ones sitting in the pews stand and turn around. The bride is walking down the aisle, the most beautiful desire in white, with eyes only for the man standing in front of her. She envisions with each step their future together, the better and the worse, the rich and the poor, the sick and the healthy. She feels his love and his adoration and sees in the beaming smile on his face that reaches to light up his eyes that he feels her love and adoration in return.

Their smiles reach to the lake, lighting the black with stars of delight as the stone settles in the lake bed for the night.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Spoken With A Voice That Disrupted The Sky

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep for the second time, I decided I would listen to New Moon on audiobook. As I was listening, it dawned on me why I love Edward Cullen. Everyone always says things like "He's beautiful." "He's the perfect man." "He's a vampire." "He sparkles." And honestly, none of those have ever mattered to me. I realize that before I knew Robert Pattinson was Edward Cullen, I had never constructed a mental image of him. I still do not have my own view of what Edward looks like. I can see certain parts of him very well in my mind's eye from the descriptions Bella gives in the book, but not a whole Edward, and certainly not his face. Edward is also far from the perfect man. He is very insecure about himself and especially in the relationship between him and Bella. I honestly do not want someone so moody and broody and whatnot. It would be a depressing lifestyle. Plus, I am the moody, broody one. It would be really tiring though to continually assure someone of my love for them when they did not fully believe it. I will tell the man I marry I love him every second of every day, but it would be different if he did not believe it.
Anyway, I could probably talk about this for awhile, but what I want to talk about is why I like Edward Cullen. It's not any of that. It's the fact that he touches Bella. A lot. That sounds awkward, but let me explain.
If you have never heard of love language, there are five of them-- time, service, words of affirmation, touch, and gifts. Obviously the one I am referencing is touch. I like touch. It's why I give hugs and mess with people's hair as I walk past them and need to cuddle with someone when I am feeling most sad and why the most beautiful love songs are about holding hands. Touch is how I express and receive love. So it may be annoying when I mess up your hair but it's really just me saying I love you. So, I realized as I was listening to the audiobooks that I was most smiley and happy when Edward touched Bella, very simple gestures that speak volumes to me. As Bella is so aware of his touch, she describes each gesture in great emotional detail and I respond to it intensely. And that's what attracts me so to Edward.
In case your wondering, my second love language is words of affirmation. It's why I cannot leave a room without telling my mom or brother I love them and why I need to be told it a lot too. It's one of the reasons I feel like I would be more the Edward in the relationship, constantly needing someone to tell me they love me. But I think overall I would be Bella. She's just who I am in a lot of ways, but that's just how she is written, very identifiable.
Gifts and service and time are three I have not quite figured out yet. Gifts mean a lot to me because I have grown up without a lot of money so when someone spends on me it means a lot, but as I cannot reciprocate as well, it makes me feel off-balanced. Service is really sweet, but sometimes I do not notice things and do not take the time to do service to others. And time is nice. I have come to appreciate time more these days because everyone seems to have so little of it.
One day, I will explain on here why these books mean so much to me. I think few people truly understand that these books came into life just two weeks after I had lived through them. Everyone else thinks I am obsessed, but really I have just never connected with a series more.
Which is why I stopped the audiobooks at chapter three "The End." I cannot bare to listen to someone else's interpretation of something I have experienced for myself.
So I shall read that chapter, hopefully to overprepare myself for the movie so I will not cry. I don't want to cry, but if I do, Chris Weitz, you have done your job.

Friday, October 30, 2009

How Do I Get You Alone?

Today has been the worst day of my existence.

Not really. Definitely have seen worse.

But today was truly awful.

Despite sleeping in yesterday, missing both of my classes, until 100 in the afternoon, I am absolutely exhasuted tonight and shall be going to bed right after this. It's only 9oopm. I have no idea why I am so tired.

I am annoyed with every person ever right now for any random particular reason.

I'm just fed up.

No one's doing anything tomorrow for Halloween, so I'm going out to Hillcrest alone to explore and whatnot. It sounds exciting. Actually, I might go to Torrey Pines Reserve. I really don't know much about this city that I live in and I want to explore it. Alone.

Yesterday when I woke up, I had a totally fresh outlook on life. After praying and crying to myself the night before, I was like "Yes, some good God time and a cry always works." Now here I am 48 hours later in exactly the same state as before. I think I shall listen to depressing music and wallow in this fatigued and disheartened state.

I did get to talk to my brother for an hour today. It was good. I felt because I was just so tired, but the conversation made me miss him a lot.

Thursday, October 29, 2009


I may be doing stupid things and causing myself to feel this way, but at least I'm the one whose doing it.

I can honestly say, it's not Blake.

And that, makes me smile, for in the bad, I see progress.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

I Should Be Learning About Asians

That's right. I am currently in class. Ha. I have figured out the only way to pass the time in this class is to bring my computer and read other people's blogs, facebook, twitter, etc. THIS is the life. I have never brought my computer to class before and now I know why--There is just so much better stuff to do online.

Here I sit, typing away. There are probably people looking over my shoulder right now, and if they are they should just mind their own damn business.

Ooh, someone just interrupted the professor with a question. It's the first time I have heard something besides her voice during this class. It is actually way more fun to narrate about the moments in class than to write notes about what she is saying. I did try. I did write like... half a page of notes, but I just really do not care. I'm sorry fellow Asians (no, I'm not Asian, but working my ways towards being one), you would not want to sit and listen to her drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and so forth and on on on on on on on.

Since I should be learning about Asians, I may as well talk about becoming one. I am a white girl, as white as can be. I am so white, I will not read "Stuff White People Like" because I am sure I will like about 85% of everything on that list and that's just not cool. I'm culturally diverse. Not.
Anyrace, my apartment mates and I started a point system for me to become Asian. I currently have 21.6 Asian points out of 100, so I would like to tell you all that

I am 21.6% Asian. Thank you very much.

It's a funny system. I get points sporadically for doing or saying something Asian. They used to minus points, but I decided they couldn't because I am white and you cannot dock someone for being who they are. Plus, I said a joke about Pokemon and everyone thought I was serious. I wasn't, but they minused 10 points. Which was ridiculous. Plus, I only got 1 point for being in this class, which is not enough. Last night I got 5 Asian points though, a big jump for me, when Jezli asked me what she should name her new monster and I said "PACHINKO!" which apparently means "casino" in Japanese or Taiwanese or Vietnamese, I cannot remember, but I had just made it up on the spot. Yeah, that made me really excited. I interrupted Jo's phone conversation in order to tell her.

Asian class ending soon and since I'm pretty much blind and really couldn't care less what race you are, I shall leave you with this...

And that's what I truly believe in.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Poem I

It pounds through me
Taking control of my heartbeat
Taking control of my being
I reach my hand out
Pulling myself closer
On invisible waves of melody
Towards every emotion ever had
Towards my match, my equal
In words and rhythm
Undulating and permanent
They stay with me forever
Undulating and permanent
They stay with me forever.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Jesus Is My Boyfriend

This is a new concept I have been thinking about throughout the day.
I constantly think about wanting a boyfriend/the boy drama I have secretly created in my head and this morning as I drowsily woke up at 1100, I thought to myself

What if Jesus was my boyfriend?

Not in a literal sense. Obviously that cannot be. But, what I mean is this- what if I treated Jesus as I would treat my boyfriend? I want to eventually develop this to how I will treat my husband, but honestly, what I am looking for in a boyfriend, I should find in Jesus- someone to listen to my worries, someone to rely on, someone I can turn to in any situation, someone I can learn from, someone who challenges me to better myself, someone I can look up to, someone who loves me for me. Honestly, who wouldn't want Jesus as their boyfriend?

So, yeah. As I will not allow myself to date the person I want to date, He more than makes up for it. Thank you, Jesus.

P.S. Jesus doesn't freak out if you say "I love you" first.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Oh, The Wonders of Technology

I just sent my mommy a text with a picture of me and a voice recording telling her much I love her! How cool is that? She can see me and hear me despite being twelve hours away! It makes me smile.

Mickey's Trick-Or-Treat was really, really fun! I went with Rachel earlier in the day to Disneyland in order to see the special Halloween Space Mountian- Ghost Galaxy. In all honesty, I did not find it very worth it. Yeah... It could be because I was sitting in front and so the things that pop out at you popped out after we'd already kind of passed. I don't know. It was alright. It seemed faster, which was a plus. I expected it to be something with the Disney villains because that's what the keep advertising it, but no.
Oh yeah, God pretty much did not want Rachel and I to get to Disneyland. We had the chance to leave earlier than planned, then we took forever at Rachel's house (twenty-year-old: "Mama, where is my Tinkerbelle costume?" Don't worry, this is exactly why I LOVE YOU, RACHEL!!!), then to try and get the New Moon soundtrack to listen to on the way up, we stopped at a Starbucks so we could use their wi-fi to download it to Rachel's phone. We drove forever around the parking lot until I finally got out of the car to sit there. It was hilarious, but it definitely shows our dedication to the Twilight Saga- we gave up an hour at Disneyland for YOU, Stephenie Meyer! Then we get there, get a locker, put our costumes in for later, then on our way to line, I step on Rachel's shoe and break it. Luckily we had shoes in the locker for our costumes, but it was completely ridiculous. And there was so much traffic going up. FINALLY, we get into Disneyland at 430 in the pm, 3 hours later than we would have been if we had been ready and left at the original time we planned. That's bad.
Then at 630 we changed and got in line for Mickey's Trick-or-Treat and it was fun! We did Midway Madness and California Screamin' with barely any line, got dinner, then got pictures with Cruella De Vil and the Evil Queen from Snow White. We took a whole bunch of pictures inside the Beast's library of me as Belle in there. (Oh yeah, I went as Belle and Rachel ended up being Hermione Granger and a very a good-looking Hermione, if I do say so myself.) Then we met up with Jo as Captain Jack Sparrow, Jezli as Vampire, Shirley as Maid, and Katie as Cinderella. Jezli, Katie, Rachel and I went on Tower of Terror and it was Katie and Jezli's first time! It was so fun going with someone on their first time. It was like seeing it fresh and new, through their eyes. Then we went again on California Screamin' and Midway Madness and they seemed to really like those. Then it was time to go home. We didn't roll into Muir until 200 in the am. I was really tired and slept until 130 in the pm that day.

So, yeah, that was Mickey's Trick-or-Treat.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Someone Voted.

I am surpised to find someone voted on my poll. (See right.)

I kind of spammed my blog, but it was to talk about TWLOHA and all the good works they are doing right now. But it means someone came, read, and cared.

So, thank you, someone.

On a side note, got my hurr cut yesterday. I'm going to post some not-so-good pictures so you can see that I now have BANGS!! BANG BANGS!! I think they're cool. I'm still getting used to them though.

Here they are.

So, these are my bad pictures of my BANG BANGS.

I did some painting today too. I started them at like 2 in the am last night because I could not fall asleep. Probably because I slept until 1:30 in the pm. I'm really excited. I'll post them after I send them to someones. They're for two different people. One is a prayer and one is just for fun.

Also read a whole chapter of psych. Still need to read for Chem. Yeah.
I'll write about Mickey's Trick-or-Treat soon.
Going to clean my room now. It's a mess. Then I'll wash some dishes hopefully.

Thank you for being here. Your presence is helpful. Good night.

To Write Love.

TWLOHA is an organization I have loved and cherished since I first stumbled upon it my senior year in high school. As a former "cutter," seeing so many people come together for something most people try to ignore brings me to tears every time I check in on the group to see what they're up to. To me, their work is beautiful.

Over one year ago, I got a tattoo on my left wrist. It says "Love" with a little heart coming off the "e." It covers the same wrist I used to cut for almost three years. I cannot begin to describe everything this tattoo represents. It is a small token of my appreciation for the group who is changing lives daily. It is a reminder for me to write love on myself, not the bloody lines of hate. It is a goal I have set for myself, to write love on the arms and hearts of others. It is an account of those I have loved, love, and will love. It is a symbol of God, the creator and very essence of love. It is a mark of hope. It is my life story.

I just want to say that cutting, self-injury, depression, suicide, helplessness, and hurt are very real. They are not something to be ignored. If someone you know is hurting, reach out to them before there's no one to reach out to. Save. Give hope. Write love on their arms.

It's been almost four years since my last cut. There are some days where love is overwhelming. And there are some days where the struggle is still intense.

But I am glad to be here any day.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Love Me Dead

I'm obsessed with this song right now. And the music video is amazing. Here ya go!

By the way, I enjoyed your hug a lot more tonight. Why? Who knows.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I Just Wrote A Play About AIDS

I'm not kidding either. I really did.

We were asked to write a scene using two personal ads as the characters. One is a woman who wants to talk about health care reforms, the other is a gay man. My first scene with them had them being reporters at a Presidential address. I actually really liked it, although it didn't have any depth really.
Then in class, we came up with some odd settings and "surprises" we could use to change the scene. I chose hospital and "one of the characters has a secret." So, my scene goes like this...

Personal Ad #1: ATTRACTIVE AND SUCCESSFUL thirty-something NY woman, tired of dating the boring, boorish, and humorless, seeks intellectually original, conventionally handsome, magnanimous male to dine languidly, laugh incessantly, make love voraciously, and discuss how to advance healthcare reform.

Personal Ad #2: SF BAY AREA—intellectual, professional, handsome 42 y/o gay mensch interested in music and the arts seeks intimacy with a whole-hearted man of wit and integrity.

The hospital room is sterile and white. A man, Personal Ad #2, is hooked up to countless machines, all beeping, whirring, and whizzing as they track his vitals. The man is obviously dying despite looking so young. He is only thirty-two. He wheezes and coughs, as if he has smoked for a hundred lifetimes and this is his final breath. His skin is pale and bruised where the nurses have helped to prop him up. A woman, Personal Ad #1, bursts through the door to his room and angrily clicks her heels across the speckled white linoleum floor. She is all business, wearing a black suit and white blouse with black high heels. She carries a black leather briefcase, which she sets down on the floor near the bed, then scoots the single visitor chair closer to the bed, but far enough away that it is clear this is not a personal visit. She sits down, opens up her briefcase, and takes out a tape recorder, pen, and black and white composition notebook.

(hurried, snappy)
So, shall we get this thing over with?

(hacking to clear throat)
Is your discomfort a reason to be rude, Ms. Jennings?

No, I guess it’s not. (subtly sarcastic) Shall we start then, sir?

Where would you like me to begin? (coughs)

At the beginning, I suppose.

Andrea turns on recorder and places it on the bedside table near Evan.

The journey my life has taken me since I came out of the closet is a long one. What are you looking for to write your article?

Mainly, your health situation and how the new health care reforms will affect your treatment.

Well, I became openly gay when I was nineteen years old. My family instantly disowned me and left me with nowhere to go. I travelled around the country for a bit, working odd jobs to make enough money to live, but finally I settled in San Francisco.


(ignores comment)
My first partner was the one who gave me HIV. A few months into our relationship he disappeared, leaving a note saying he had HIV and that now I probably had it too. No sorry, just... this is how it is. You will now die horribly.

(still rude, but not as much)
How... unfortunate.

Yes, unfortunate. Two years later, after sinking into a dark depression, I met Andrew. He was also HIV positive. He helped me through everything. When I was diagnosed with AIDS seven years later, he was there holding my hand with me. And then he was diagnosed two weeks later and died within the year. It’s been three years now without him. Three very tough years...

That’s sad. Now... health care. How will these health care reforms hurt your treatments?

(coughs for awhile)
The health care reforms will significantly reduce the help I’m getting. I know I am on death’s doorstep, but does that mean that I or anyone else at this stage in their life do not deserve help? Because we are dying means we don’t justify a peaceful death? (coughs)
That’s just it. Right now, you’re taking a hospital bed, nurses’ time, doctors’ help, government money from someone who can still live? A mom having a baby, a child with a broken leg... These spaces can be used to save those who have a chance.

Am I not a human too? (coughs heavily)

You’re dead.

Does your status as a high profile, prime time reporter make you a diva or were you a bitch first?

Andrea stops what she is about to say. She looks taken aback at the harsh words coming from the sickly Evan. Her face then goes blank. She looks like she is lost in the depths of her mind. Then she starts crying.

Oh... look, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I can get pretty catty sometimes.

(sputtering through her tears)
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I called you DEAD. Who the fuck do I think I am? (long pause, shaking head) I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just that... It’s no excuse, but... My brother was diagnosed with HIV last month.

Evan is now taken aback. He understands the pain she’s in, remembering losing Andrew and knowing she's scared of the same future she will live through. He internally forgives her former attitude.

(still crying, head down, pausing between sentences)
It’s been so hard preparing for this interview, finding out exactly what happens when you contract HIV. And seeing you now... I can’t see him like this, like you are now. I just can’t. He’s my brother... He’s my brother...

Evan turns off the tape recorder as she’s crying and reaches out for her hand. She looks up and takes it. Evan squeezes her hand and quickly she’s up and hugging him, crying into his shoulder.

I Read About Asians Today

I really, really, really did. Like from 230 to 800 and then from 1000 to 1200. That's seven and a half hours of Asian reading. Be proud.

It's late. I'm not tired. I should do some homework, but there have been some things I wanted to write about that made me smile. Not that they're rare these days, but I want to appreciate them.

Thursday when I was at the supermarket, there was a lady wearing this black-and-white suit thing. She was in her forties and very professional looking. But she was wearing these real snazzy PINK high heels. They were bomb. I wanted to tell her her shoes were bomb, but I thought No, it'd just be too weird. So, as I'm doing my shopping I see her all over the store, and my brain or God, sometimes I cannot tell, is like Dude, just tell her. (Does God say "dude?" I bet he does.) And I kept thinking No. Finally, I'm in the tea aisle to get my Arizona Lemon Flavored tea (mmmmmmm...) and she's there, looking at it. I grab my tea, then start walking away, when I turn around and say, "You know, your shoes are fantastic!" And she says "Wow, thanks." or something to that effect. Then she asks me whether or not I like that tea and she's been considering buying it for some time. I told I drank it like water and also recommended the ginsing and honey tea, but to drink it room-temperature. She said thanks and that was that. It was a moment I enjoyed.

Still Thursday, these are two not good things that happened. I was in line to buy my stuff and this tall, super skinny, gorgeous girl gets behind me in line and you would think I would be all awkward because I wasn't wearing make-up and didn't look so hot, but no. She was only buying water and gum. And I thought to myself Thanks for confirming the stereotype.
Then when I left, the Greenpeace chick harassed me and made me feel like crap because I didn't want to save the whales. And I thought to myself I'm walking out of this store without any pastic or paper bags, bringing my bicycle basket all the way here to save a tree. Shut the hell up, dreadlocks.

More on Thursday, I met this freshman on the bus who was from Sweden. We talked during the trip. It was cool. Her name was Anna. She was really pretty, very polite, and I enjoyed talking to her, although I was awkward because I hate small talk, but I got to ask sweet questions about Sweden. It was swede. BAHAHAHAHA. I crack myself up sometimes.

Sunday was the Jason Mraz concert. It was so chill and awesome and just... such an amazing experience. It was all about love and fellowship and there was a smidge of Jesus talk in there. Good quote--

I was thinking about What Would Jesus Do? and I was like... I don't know. I haven't seen him in a long time. But then I thought What Would Love Do? And I realized... it was the same exact thing.

It made me happy. There was lots of high fives to people you didn't know and celebrating with the people you came with and sending love all over the ampitheatre. It was sweet (not swede.)

I think that's about all for the night... morning... whatever. I got an 87.5% on my Psyc midterm. Eh. Not too good. I wish I could have gotten an A. I didn't really put in A effort though. I have come to realize, you just can't do it. Unless your Frenzel, that's about it. I haven't decided between a life, sleep, and A's yet, but I'm trying. It sucks because I haven't even found time for God in that yet, except Monday and Wednesday nights. Need to figure out that one. Pray for me.

Good night, sleep tight, let the vampires bite.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

So, I Threw It On The GROUND

These are the things that have happened recently:

Wednesday~ I had my first Muirons For Christ meeting. So, of course, I showed up a little late and people were confused about whether or not the meeting was happening, but people showed up. At first, we had three new freshman, plus Kristen, Shirley, Katie, Nathalie (who technically is a new freshman), and Josh. It was really exciting for me to see all those people there and I appreciated everyone's support and... it just made me feel so nice to know people care about this. I was especially surprised that Josh came, but I'm praying this is a good thing and that he will enjoy it. Anyway, one of the freshman asked if we were Catholic and I said no, so she left. Awkward, but I think after that I can just about handle anything... yeah. Then one of the other freshmen left after the games. He said he had an essay, which is understandable, and that he would come back this next week. I'm hoping he does. He seemed super cool. And then, the last freshman, Daniel. Wow. He... is socially awkward, but I have to love him for it. He puts a smile on my face for sure. One of the things he said was that he was looking for was a group of people he could come to in times of need and that he cold be comfortable and himself with. And that is exactly why I wanted Muirons to stay because that's exactly what I want and I hope it is something I can create, for him and for everyone else. So, everyone said it went well. We got about halfway through the lesson, so we'll finish it up next week, which is cool because I feel like I have two weeks to prepare a lesson now, but my goal is to get two done so I'm ahead. People said they'd come back next week, including Josh, and yeah... I'm just pretty happy about it.

Thursday~ Dancing Through The Decades. I went to the store after classes got out and went and bought some vegetarian beans and spanish rice to make dinner for Josh. I figure it's good for me to fake cook and I'll actually try because it's for other people. So I made bean, cheese, and rice burritos. (Moment of silence for El Mercado... I rememebered exactly how they would write that order down. BV.) I think they were good. People ate them. Forgot to buy salsa or anything that would spice them up as that is never something I think of. I need to think of others though if I want to be a good hostess. I was supposed to stay in and watch me some Vampire Diaries (ooh, guilty pleasure) while Jezli and Jo went to Dancing Through The Decades, but they stayed and watched Bones (boo!) and then I ended up going since Emma put on the dance and apparently no one was coming. It ended up being really fun. I enjoyed it alot. I dressed in the usual hippie garb, while Jezli and Jo went 80's. We were pretty much the only ones dressed up. They played Journey though as the last song and the whole room was singing. It was magic.

Friday~ A-Rod, Anberlin, Acid, Arrest, and Andy. Last night was an epic night. Wow. Ok, so I was watching the Yankees v. Twins game with Katie and Nathalie and it was 3-1 Twins, bottom of the ninth. They had one on base and A-Rod was up to bat. I said, "He's going to get a home run, tying the score at 3-3 and they'll go into extra innings." What did the fabulous A-Rod do? He did exactly what I said he would. You know, A-Rod and I are just so in sync, I'm not sure if Kate Hudson is having his baby or I am. We just click, him and I. It's a beautiful relationship. They went into extra innings and Yankees ended up winning. Then, the three of us went to Fall Fest to see Anberlin. Now, I like Anberlin but I've never really listened to them. They were AMAZING live and I was really happy I went. During the show, this guy was definitely "trippin' balls" (Nathalie) and was dancing in this huge circle. We were on the edge of the circle, watching him and the show, because he was doing these crazy tribal bird dance moves and just yelling at everyone to "get their fucking bodies moving" and it was classic. He tried to get people into his dancing, but he kept picking the big guys who only equate "dance" with the old-fashioned definition of "fight." It looked really ugly for a second as one BIG guy started pushing him, almost right into us, but luckily some other guys stopped anything from getting bad. Then, The Game came on and that was boring (ch-chk BANG! PUT YOUR MOTHERF**KIN' HANDS UP), so we left and went to Goody's to get some eats. We were sitting outside when these two guys come runnig up the stairs from Marshall dorms and around the restaurant towards the apartments. Then I look up and see polica car lights flashing all over the buildings and they come up onto the walkway and catch one of the guys while the other one ditches him. They make him sit on the ground for awhile, handcuff him, and take him away. It was like dinner and a show. Amazing. Then, Katie, Nathalie, and I went back to the apartment, where it turns out Shirley gave us her cake because she couldn't eat it. The strawberries were getting moldy so we decided to take a page out of Andy Samberg's book and THROW IT ON THE GROUND. Yup, Nathalie chucked it off our balcony towards the dumpsters and when we went down there to examine it, I slammed it into the ground. It was... wow. I THREW A CAKE ON THE GROUND.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Decision Made Well

LOOK! This entry is going to be non-depressing. Can't you tell by the title?

Tonight, I was really torn about either going to FOOSH practice or to the Intervarsity Muir Bible Study. Katie and I were supposed to go, but then I was like... I really want to go to FOOSH.
I did not want to let Katie down, plus as I have been looking over some sources for the first lesson for Muirons For Christ, some new ideas have been brought to my attention.

1. When trying something new, if it feels like doors are slamming instead of opening, it's probably not for you.
When I was trying something new with FOOSH, their practice schedule really conflicts with pretty much everything. I had been wanting to try out the IV Muir Bible Study which meets Mondays 8-10. I am leading Muirons Wednesdays 8-10. When is FOOSH? Monday & Wednesdays 8-10. So I could do Muirons and FOOSH, but only be giving half of myself to FOOSH, which I wasn't exactly okay with, but willing to try. Or I could do the two bible studies. I decided to check out IV tonight and really enjoyed it. Love the people and their excitement and their passion for God. So, hence, a decision well made.

2. What we are supposed to focus on in our lives is the people in our lives, not ourselves.

Doing FOOSH was, in a way, selfish. I had already promised Katie to try out IV. I could only really give half of myself to FOOSH, cheating them out of a dedicated member. Plus, I really want to focus on others. God is bringing so many different epiphanies to me throughout the day, especially on my "should" issue and focusing on others. This way, Katie and I can go to IV together and she can do volleyball and Muirons still works out and no one has to worry about me over at FOOSH.

3. You cannot meet a good Christian boy unless you're doing some good Christian things.

Alright, so this last one is pretty superficial, but it's true. Not that there weren't any good, dedicated-to-God Christian boys in FOOSH (I don't know for sure, but they're amazing so I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt. And not that there weren't any good-looking boys at FOOSH because let me tell you there are some CUTIES over there. Woo.), but it's just different. Not that I'm looking really right now, but if I were to stumble upon him, a bible study is where I would want to do it.

And that is that. Uh sucka, what?!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Life Sucks And Then You Die

I know! I said I would try not to be depressing. I just cannot help it though.

Truth is, I am super tired with lots to do tomorrow. Just worried. I don't think anyone will read this in time, but just in case, prayers right now would be nice.
My schedule is definitely not as bad as Jezli's, so I feel grateful for that. No lie, every single minute of the next week AND weekend are filled. She cannot even go to Jason Mraz. Sadness.

Wish me luck on getting some flyers for Muirons put up tomorrow. I think they are pretty splendid myself, although possibly cheesy. How do you make a Christian group NOT sound like the ultimate cheese though? Tried my best though.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Oh, The Family Ties That Bind

I miss my family a lot, so I decided to post a video.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Fuck Yeah Friday!

If YOU were NOT in Apartment Journey last night, here's a little recap of what you missed, in a sequence that will allow you to understand exactly how this transpired-

1. I like dancing!

2. A few days ago, bought some new underwear at Victoria's Secret. One has all these 80's boomboxes on them and they awakwardly say TURN ME ON.

3. Yesterday, I caught up on GLEE with Jezli and it was A-FREAKING-MAZING!

4. Kristen Chenoweth (can anyone say my singing idol??) was guest starring and sang with Matt Morrisson the song "Alone."

5. Jezli promptly downloaded that song and played it on repeat pretty much the rest of the night. Good thing it is, again, A-FREAKING-MAZING! (Obviously not as much as the episode itself. Note the size difference.)

6. After taking my shower, I was going to steal her music as she also has the A-FREAKING-MAZING song "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oates. (Obviously more A-FREAKING-MAZING than "Alone." Note the addition of italics.) But I decided not only to steal her music, but to throw an impromptu dance party as well in order to initiate wearing my new boombox underwear, which are exactly the thing needed for impromptu dance parties, and because (Number One reason here, readers) I like dancing!

7. Jo soon joins the impromptu dance party, which starts in her room and then migrates to the living room, with open curtains and open sliding glass door so anyone walking by can enjoy our greatness.

8. The impromptu dance party covered everything from rap to dance to classic oldies to multiple GLEE songs and so on and so forth until we get to a song Jo really likes called "Pop Goes My Heart" from the movie Music and Lyrics.

9. As Jo had been teaching me how to better my crotch-thrusts, I decided I would be her back-up crotch-thruster in the corner of the living room near the open curtain and open sliding glass door.

10. As Jo has her solo dancing moment and I, with all the seriousness that the art of crotch-thrusting requires, crotch-thrust in the background, someone yells down to us...


Both Jo and I run away from the window and fall to the ground, laughing, while Jezli apologizes for us and closes the open curtains and the open sliding glass door.

If YOU were NOT in Apartment Journey last night, YOU will NEVER be able to understand how A-FREAKING-MAZING that moment was (Obviously, that moment was the most A-FREAKING-MAZING thing of the whole list because it includes bold, italics, underline, CAPS LOCK, and very large writing.)

Monday, September 28, 2009

Again, The Need To Read About Asians Abounds

I can be simple.

  • I like to read.

  • I dislike "should."

  • I am.

I can be mildly challenging.

  • I enjoy reading a good book.

  • I hate the word "should" and what it means.

  • I am tired already.


  • I enjoy reading an amazing work of fiction while curled up in bed, warm and snug, forgetting the problems that plague my days and losing myself in a life that is not my own, but is obviously more interesting because, well, someone wrote a book about it.

  • I hate that word "should" and the minute connotations that drag that word down in my mind and rule my life completely, enslaving me to an ideal of "should" that I can never seem to break from or achieve, even with the most freeing and perfect of Gods.

  • I am tired already of this week and feel like curling up in bed, warm and snug, but due to my mindless pursuit of the "should" ideal and the ADD culture America has created so deftly, I also feel obligated to exercise, eat healthy, watch television, clean my clean room, write a letter to Congress, read the Bible, do homework, study for nothing, pirate music, text, and save the world between now and 8 o'clock, when another activity begins.

I never said this blog would NOT be depressing.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I Should Be Reading About Asians

I decided I wanted to start a BRAND NEW blog, less depressing than my last one.

But I am Chelsey Davis, so we shall see how that goes.

School school school. Slightly productive today. Read for Chemistry, with very detailed notes, if I do say so myself. Supposed to read for Cognitive Psychology (CPsyc) and Introduction to Asian-American Literature (LTEN) but that didn't happen.

I did get BRAND NEW underwear. 9 pairs. That's exciting. I love them. Beautiful.

Talked to Katie, Kristen, and Shirley about Muirons. Kristen reminded me of the idea of listening to worship music at the beginning of each meeting, even though we have no one live, and so I deemed her in charge of making a playlist of 4 songs for each week. I think I am going to ask Shirley to maybe bring food, or split that between the two of them, since they get free meals at work. Katie's job is to remind me to do my job. Simple, but very critical for me.

I am going to attend a bible study led through Intervarsity on Monday nights (I know I said I'd never go! But I am.) with Katie and Kristen. I am hoping that goes well. Maybe we can get ideas from there. Maybe... bring people over to Muirons, eh?

Also, possiblygoingtoattendopenpracticefortheimprovcomedygroupFOOSH. I feel as if I say it really fast I don't have to go through with it. But, this Wednesday, I am looking to check-out the open practice for FOOSH, the improv comedy group for Muir. They're amazing. Maybe I can be too?

I have considered posting excerpts from the book (be excited!) on here, or whatever primitive writing pops into my head throughout the day. I have started carrying a notebook with me wherever I go so I can write things down.

For now, that is all. Must sleep. Must wake-up all too soon.

Anyone happy I'm back?

New blog not guaranteed.