Go Ask Alice.

I've recently been reading this book. It... makes me happy the lowest points of my life were not as bad as hers. Sure, I was so addicted to cutting myself that I couldn't go to sleep without spilling blood and suicide was a constant temptation, but I never was so drugged out I hitchhiked to Denver and then to Oregon and not hahve any idea what I was doing or where I was. Sure, I have done things I'm not proud of with boys, but I never blew a guy to score some pot.

I read for about an hour tonight. I decided after reading that I needed to immediately listen to some worship music. It was a good choice. I just feel better after being so depressed.

I really related to a moment she had though--she decided she wanted to become a psychologist and help teenagers because she knows where they are, the depths they can sink to. It's exactly a moment I've had. I've been through bad divorces, parental abandonment, suicide, depression, not communicating with my mom, revival, regression, and relapse. I want to help people my age. I want them to see there is more to life than this, that it is beautiful and amazing and worth being here every single day, that it doesn't have to be a cycle, monotonous, boring, that it can be joyous and above all else happy.

I want to show people God and everything He blesses you with daily, continuously, constantly.

I fear I cannot do that. I see this ultimate beauty and love my life, no matter how bad it gets. I want others to see this too. I want people to experience the freedom and satisfaction I get from being myself and not giving a damn about what people think. I see people's potential. I see people achieving their dreams, breaking the mold, living their lives the way they want to. But people just don't see that for themselves and no one seems to really want to try to achieve those things. I mean, they do, way down in their hearts of hearts. It's what we all want essentially.

But people just don't do it. I can honestly say I don't achieve my own potential. How do you do that? I think we all see people doing EVERYTHING and we wish we could be them. We never see ourselves as quite complete, quite content, quite perfect the way we are.

I don't know to fix that, except do EVERYTHING.

And here we are, back to the fucking "should" I slave to.

Damn it.