Monday, February 1, 2010

It Hurts Again

I have way too much stress this quarter.

I couldn't handle it on Saturday. I kind of lost it, in my own, private, indulgent way.

I sat in the shower letting scalding hot water pour down onto me and listened to "The Way She Feels" on repeat for about forty minutes.

It's been enough for me to indulge the want, the desire, to think about it, to acknowledge it, to accept its tormentous and occassional appearances in my life. I scratched at the itch until it went away.

It's been enough for me thus far but I have more years, more decades to live.

Will the itch ever be completely gone? Will I fail at holding myself back?

Whenever this occurs to me, I like to think that I can, that these four years haven't been for nothing, that my God isn't nothing.

And yet I worry that one day my indulgence won't be enough.

And I don't know what I'll do it if it does.

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