Jo, Katie, and I got into a discussion about gay marriage tonight as I was talking to them about the Christian concept of "dying to yourself." I really don't have the best explanation of this, only a vague concept that eludes me most days. One example that I thought of was in the 2008 election I voted against gay marriage. If you feel you can no longer speak to me or you automatically think I am some close-minded super conservative Republican jerk, that's fine. I'm sorry it ended this way, but I'm not sorry about my decision.
I was very, very hesitant to vote on this issue. Everyone around me on campus was for it, signs were everywhere, it was such a big deal. Still is, of course. And personally, I don't want to deny someone the right to get married. I couldn't handle it if I couldn't get married. It's what I dream of the most and I couldn't imagine devastating someone like that. Just to be married, simple. When I first heard this was on the ballot, my immediate instinct was vote for it, make it legal.
And then I thought about it a lot. And I thought, What would God want?
I asked tons of different people everyday. I've never cared more about a decision. If someone was against it, I would argue for it. If someone was for it, I would argue against it. Both arguments rang true within me. I had so much turmoil destroying my insides over the issue. How could I deny someone the thing I dream of most? What if it was me?
I hold marriage in very high regard, not just in a biblical sense but in anyone-becoming-committed-to-each-other sense. I hold it in the highest regard, almost more than anything in the whole world. Marriage is a very big deal to me. I remember a quote from the movie What Happens in Vegas?, which I know is the most random movie to quote right now but the judge in the movie says, "It's not homosexuals ruining the sanctity of marriage. It's people like you," speaking of the two stars. And I totally agree with that. Homosexuals are some of the most committed people when it comes to relationships. It's heterosexuals who have wonderfully established the 50% divorce rate.
Yet still I couldn't vote for it. In the Bible, the book I am supposed to follow and believe in with all of my being, it says that homosexuality is a sin. And politically, this decision should have noting to do with religion. But politics are based on beliefs of how the world should be and beliefs include your religious ones. Someone said to me during this time that allowing gay marriage is allowing sin, saying it's ok to do that. We've outlawed murder and theft and lying, which are all sins as well. What makes this one different?
It literally came down to the last second.
There was so much around me for gay marriage that God seemed so tiny, non-existent in this decision. I honestly voted against marriage to give God a voice while honestly believing that it would be allowed without a question. I was actually shocked that it didn't pass.
Tonight, Jo asked me who am I to deny someone marriage?
On the other hand, in a biblical sense and as a Christian, who am I to let someone go to hell?
I don't know if I necessarily believe that. I don't know if I necessarily believe homosexuality is a sin. In fact, personally, I believe in LOVE above all else, no matter who it is between, as long as it is pure and good.
But that day I died to myself.
And no matter what I believe, I'm not sorry I did it.