And believe you me, it was an EXCITING last day for the poll.
When the poll was first put up on March 12th, a few people voted on him, engaging with him and clicking on him in all the right places, but then his life dwindled for a bit. Every now and then he'd get a little scratch and ultimately before yesterday he wound up with only 12 votes.
Then I decided to give the poll a little publicity on the FB.
And he was given the day of his life.
6 people voted on him yesterday. 6! That was a 50% increase from his paltry lifetime of 12, but it was all in one day. The poll was teased and touched and thrilled beyond his wildest dreams. Good thing it was the last day of the poll for I fear that if he had one more day to go he might not have made it due to his sexual exhaustion.
The poll, in his last dying words, has given me the final results (and asked me to provide some colorful commentary) and the findings stand as following:
7 people, or 38%, fold your toilet paper methodically every time you poop.
I just have to say, what the hell is wrong with you people? You don't fold your toilet paper! You are going to wipe your butt with that! Why would you take the time to fold something you're just going to mess up in the wiping process, GET POOP ON, and throw into a watery abyss that you flush it down into. It makes NO SENSE to me. It's TOILET PAPER. You're TAKING A CRAP, DROPPING A DEUCE, TAKING THE BROWNS TO THE SUPER BOWL, PLAYING WITH LINCOLN LOGS--
YOU ARE NOT AT AN OVERLY PERFUMED ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH FOLDING OUTRAGEOUSLY EXPENSIVE T-SHIRTS IN A FLAMING MANNER.
You're just taking a dump, dude. No need for folding.
11, or 61%, of you prefer to have the toilet paper coming from the top, not the bottom, because that's lamesauce.
These are my people unless of course you FOLD that toilet paper that's coming from the top, then we might have some problems. (Aside to myself in a grumpy mumble: Next time I think I'm not going to have overlapping results so that I can't yell at people and love them as well.... Stupid overlapping results.) If you were one of those overlapping people and you're questioning our friendship and wondering whether or not it will make it past this blog post, I have only two words for you, WE'LL SEE!
But people who like the toilet paper coming from the bottom are absolutely ridiculous, wouldn't you agree? My personal preference of getting my toilet paper is to reach out into the dark unfathomable chasm between the toilet and the wall (It's dark because our bathroom light takes about forty-five minutes to turn and therefore I mostly do away with it) and once I find that scratchy, straight from the tree toilet paper that UCSD so kindly provides for me to wipe my kaslopis with, I KARATE CHOP THAT MOFO until it gives me the EXACT AMOUNT OF PAPER I want. You can only do that WHEN THE PAPER COMES FROM THE TOP. (As I was writing this, that angry voice from the Powerthirst You Tube video was the one in my head, especially for the emphasized ALL CAPS sections.)
4, or 22%, of you wad it and stick it up your butt and pray that works for awhile.
It's nice to know that 4 of my readers have found Jesus. I'm glad that you also take the time to pray to him, in a very gentle yet pleading way I bet, that he makes the toilet paper you wadded up and stuck in your butt work for awhile. I'm glad you think Jesus of all people has time to worry about the TOILET PAPER YOU STUCK IN YOUR BUTT. Seriously, Jesus needs to be involved in your toilet matters?
I could understand if yes, maybe you have a serious illness that prevents you from using the bathroom like a regular person or yes, maybe you use it too much and these abnormal activities are something you do need to pray about to Jesus because, in fact, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE if they don't get solved soon. That I can picture a swift whisper of a prayer that says "Jesus, I know this is pretty awk right now, but if you could just relieve me of my abnormalities in the anus that would be stupendous." And Jesus would probably grant you that prayer because he's bomb dig like that and he came to Earth so he knows what abnormalities in the anus means and he doesn't want you to have them. Or maybe he loves you so much he decides to take you to heaven, getting rid of your abnormalities in the anus, and allowing you all the peace and freedom in the world.
Now you're probably thinking "Wow, that Jesus is a cool cat," but if you voted for option C and are worrying JESUS with your ABNORMALITIES WITH YOUR TOILET PAPER then actually you are straight going to hell.
Only 1, or 5%, of you voted absolutely all of the above.
Well, one special person, which might have been me that one time I voted a long ass time ago but can't remember because it was a long ass time ago, if you were me, then you're awesome and I love you. Thanks for being so non-conformist and choosing all of them, thereby proclaiming your contradictions and implying your hypocrisy while making a statement to the world that you're only human, we're all only human, and we're all going to make mistakes, so it's ok to be contradictory or hypocritical because that's how the loving Lord made us, perfect in our imperfection.
But if you're not me, YOU CAN'T DO ABSOLUTELY ALL OF THE ABOVE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE CONTRADICTORY AND HYPOCRITICAL AND WE, AS A PERFECT HUMAN RACE, ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CONTRADICTORY AND HYPOCRITICAL AND THIS VOTES PUTS YOU ON PAR WITH POLITICIANS AND SATAN! Maybe, maybe not.
So, once again, it's very sad to see poll go. He had a long run in this world, but I'm glad that he lives on in his results. I have to go now because the tears are clogging up my vision from the deep depression I am currently falling into and aisghphrepfalskjhgoise aoihfoislnfa sihfwiotwnfsfafalkhfslkfh sakhflkahelkthsmfnsf lkwehlksahflskfn.